Ask Martina: How Can I Be Brave?

Q: Dear Martina, How can I be brave and push myself to do new things? – A Curious Reader

A: Firstly, I love how you framed the question because you gave me your own answer: By pushing yourself. And while that may work for some things, it’s not always a good solution (nobody likes to be pushed). Sometimes, when we push ourselves to do something, we end up feeling resentment or disconnected from our authentic self. Though there are times when it’s good to push through a situation or circumstance, it’s not always healthy or helpful.

Similarly, the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach doesn’t always work, because we’re smart and our brains know when we’re lying to ourselves. So we need a different way to generate bravery.

So, instead of pushing or faking, I’d change it to: Remembering. More specifically, remembering other times when you’ve been brave by using what I like to call The Patronus Principle. Now, if you haven’t read the Harry Potter series, that’s okay. I will break this down in a way that makes it easy to understand.

The Patronus Principle is what happens when you allow yourself to find evidence in your own life in order to do something. Let me give an example:

I personally love coke (the beverage, not the drug!). Everyone who knows me knows this and usually has it available when I go to visit. For the most part, I drink one a day. I “justify” it to myself by saying that it’s my only “vice” since I don’t drink alcohol, do recreational drugs, or drink other caffeine other than my morning tea. So, I’ve managed to convince myself that it’s not that bad, even though I know I’d be better off not having it.

Recently, I gave it up. I had gotten really sick and couldn’t tolerate anything but water with electrolytes. As a result, I managed to kick the habit to the curb for over three months! I can’t say I felt better or worse, physically, but mentally I was quite proud of myself.

And then I got a puppy…

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With less sleep, constant vigilance, and a lot of hurdles at the beginning (including a course of rabies vaccines), I found myself dragging. So, I turned to the one thing that I knew would help: my daily coke. Initially, I tried to just have more tea in the form of iced tea, but ultimately, the thing that has helped me get through these long days is a can of coke.

When I started drinking it again, I felt some shame. But then I remembered that this is temporary. It’s a solution for a specific situation, nothing more. And, here’s the better news: I know that I can stop drinking it again when things settle down. Why? Because I’ve done it before. I know that something is possible, because I have evidence that I’ve already done it.

That’s The Patronus Principle. [This is what happens when Harry Potter conjures up a powerful patronus toward the end of The Prisoner of Azkaban to get rid of the dementors. He knows he can do it, because he had already done it due to some time travel.]

Finding bravery is the same.

Being brave becomes easier when we draw on actual evidence that we have already done it, or at least done something similar. This applies to work, relationships, social events, and hobbies, to name a few. Here are just a few ways this can work:

• If the thought of public speaking is keeping you up at night, think about all the times you have told a story to your friends or family. You have already spoken to groups if you’ve ever done that, which means you can do it again in a new way.

• As a young adult, hosting your first dinner party might feel like a monumental challenge if you’ve never done it before, but when you break it down into components, you’ve probably done each one in some way. Remembering that you have will make it easier.

• Perhaps going on a blind date is terrifying, but at some point in your life, you’ve probably had to meet strangers and introduce yourself, such as at school, camp, a cocktail party, or a new job.

• Having surgery can be scary and definitely requires bravery (I speak from experience), but knowing that the surgeon has done it hundreds of times before can help. It also helps when you remember that you have done brave things.

This last scenario is slightly different, and possibly more important. The simple act of remembering that you have been brave before can create bravery. It doesn’t have to be specific to the scenario. Bravery begets more bravery. In most cases though, you’ve probably already done the thing that you’re worried about doing, just not necessarily in exactly the same way.

Ultimately, this means that you don’t have to feel brave in order to be brave. It also means that you don’t have to fake things or push yourself into anything; you only have to remember the things you’ve already done.