HATE
Burger restaurants where the fries aren’t included in the price: these are the establishments of which Beelzebub is founder and acting CEO, because aside from having to ever read the words “scan our QR code menu,” be served by dudes in waxed canvas aprons who look like “ethically non-monog” mixologists that abuse fernet, or joints that only offer you aioli as a condiment, grimacing when you dare ask for bbq sauce — this is the most heinous fucking decision a food establishment can make. Who is planning on eating a burger by its fucking self? Am I supposed to look at a stack of fries that cost $7 extra from the corner of my eye like a cuck watching his wife get fucked inside of a Best Western? This is the United States ok, the duo of a burger and fries is about as American as an elected public official with a felony record he will never be held accountable for. About as American as exercising our god-given right to engage in the matrimony of being both loud and wrong. Burger be $15…alone. Like you are most certainly the headliner sweetie, no doubt but you do require the backup singers actually. You ain’t Prada Marfa lone in the middle of nowhere girl, miles from another 80/20 ground chuck delight. We will happily pull up to the nearest Wendy’s. Fries are not optional, they are not the vestigial organ of sides when it comes to a burger ok so to charge extra is actually so diabolical. But they don’t even wanna include one fucking side. Can’t even throw a few pieces of romaine together for a salad bitch. GO TO HELL!
Streaming platforms releasing content about the same tired ass serial killers we been knew about: aside from the fact that we cannot consume content about this kind of true crime, ethically and that serial killers are actually rare in the grand scheme of stranger-perpetrated homicide — why we gotta keep hearing about the same like five motherfuckers? not even anything new to reveal, just like here’s another docuseries about Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez and Jeffrey Dahmer. We’ve heard enough. Like not proud to admit that I am a bitch who knows an uncomfortable amount about the country’s and the world’s serial killers and violent offenders, but I can tell you right now, WAY more then the same gaggle of monsters they love telling us about have and do exist. The persistence of giving us the same stories is like your boomer boss who clearly doesn’t have a lot of friends, so tells you the same anecdote about how he and “the missus” got lost in Reno eight years ago for the fifty-leventh time and it wasn’t entertaining the first go round. This is why motherfuckers quickly are becoming illiterate, because if the knowledge of something isn’t freshly acquired by a Netflix documentary or a true crime podcast presented by two saccharine besties talking about someone’s horrific murder over a decanter of Shiraz like it’s a Traitors viewing night — no one’s going to ever know about it? It has to be in the public’s consciousness within the last two weeks because the only time they are reading is when it’s a 24 character caption layered on top of a TikTok video so just reading a book or even a Wikipedia page is too much work. Bitches don’t even recognize their own signatures anymore. I don’t wanna hear about the fucking zodiac killer. I don’t give a fuck that Gacy’s favorite color was green or Manson was skilled in the art of scrimshaw or some shit. Fuck off.
Sanctimonious people who think marriage is an accomplishment: like yo, I hate to break it to you but the worst people you know are also married. You currently know a guy who is married to a woman he hates and resented before he even proposed. There are currently women married to men who get into frenetic arguments in the parking lot of their local Olive Garden simply because she asked if her “hubby” if he could surprise her with flowers from time to time. The most detestable, morally bankrupt human beings to walk this earth were also married. People still tie the knot because bro nutted in her bare pussy and fertility won. It, in itself is not an accomplishment. Anybody can do it. I could see the gratitude for finding true love, but marriage and love are not inherently synonymous. And I wouldn’t be so bothered if married ppl didn’t think that because they merely signed a document and went into debt to get Red Lobster to cater the ceremony, made them enlightened about matters of love and commitment over the unmarried and the single lol. Marriage doesn’t automatically mean you have a deeper understanding of love, commitment or that you found your happily ever after. So to assume that because I’m single and you’re not because they “went to Jared” is some bullshit. We both going to work right. Just bc you have a car and I might “foot it, cab it, iron horse it” to get there, doesn’t mean you on luxurious easy street. Cos a lot of y’all got a car to get you there, but the driver’s side door is hanging off its hinges and the CarFax got as many violations as a rent controlled property owned by a nepotistic landlord. I wouldn’t brag sweetie, you’re in a Chevrolet Vega not an S-Class Benzito.
LOVE
Other people’s mums: one thing about me, your mom will love me. I charm the fuck outta those angels. Oh yes, I’ll be the first to compliment her Cartier La Panthère and ask where she thinks she’s going looking that stylish with her new Michael Kors bag. If I move something out of place, I’ll ask if she wants it back in the same spot. Don’t be surprised if by day’s end she starts smoking indica and all of a sudden likes Ethiopian jazz, I’ll class that bird up real nice. Got her sippin on Stag’s Leap, using words like “Weltschmerz,” and signing off texts with ciao – she’s my mom now. The (maternal) emotional negligence I received throughout my life will now become your problem.
Slutty male jewelry: this isn’t of your stacked signet rings, single dangly earring and layered necklaces variety of men who buy five peanuts for $35 at Erewhon. This is of the men who normally own no jewelry. They do not adorn their bodies in any additional way, and the prettiest accessory they have is at best, in tact foreskin 🥹 this is about the men, who one day decide to put on a little thotty gold chain. He wants to be seen. He wants to be validated. A man puts on a solitary gold chain and he’s saying to the community “yeah, I’m ran thru but I’ve picked up a lot of skills on my salacious journey – ask me about my oral skills.” He wants the bad bitches to look. He wants the fellas to look too. And if he consciously styles himself for optimal contrast so that chain stands out? Ooo weee. Literally nothing sluttier than a man wearing a little gold chain. And the type of chain matters. Small Cuban or box chain, he wants to be seen in a “let’s have lunch at The Ivy” type of way. Visible, obvious but somehow still subtle. Rope chain, oh he COMMUNITY DICK™️ he ain’t only been to this rodeo before, he’s the alderman of the Rodeo municipality. Snake chain, he’s mischievous but elegant. But Figaro chain? He’s actually a stage 5 carnal threat who’s dangerous to be around. I like that 😏
Remembering randomly that I have free will: love when I remember that I can eat whatever the fuck I want to for breakfast. If I want to eat trolli sour gummy worms at 8am who gon check me boo? If I want to flick my bean at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon to de-stress I can just do that! If I wanna watch Mulholland Drive three times in a row on an uneventful day I CAN. I be forgetting that I’m grown and in a far less abstract sense, have the ability to do whatever I want (more or less).
until next week, stay hating x
Marquita 😙
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