Three Thoughts Thursday: Harder, Loser, Nazi

This week I ran into an administrative problem in my marketing agency. I do not want to go into any specifics. So let me just say it was a REAL BIG PROBLEM. Solving it took days. Time we could not use for real work. Especially, I fell behind and had to work late hours to catch up. (That’s why this “Three Thoughts Thursday” is sent on a Friday.)

The shame about the cause of this REAL BIG PROBLEM kicked in when I had to admit that it all had been totally avoidable. By me. Only by me. It was not, that I had forgotten to „the thing“ that, by avoiding it, caused the REAL BIG PROBLEM. For weeks, I was full aware of my impending doom. But I was also mentally paralysed. The fear of the shame that would arise, once the shit would hit the fan, holding me back from asking for help.

Seems stupid? Hold my beer.

It was not the first time “not doing something” had caused a REAL BIG PROBLEM. It was a repeating thing throughout my whole life. From school to relationships to family and work. People (including me) always thought I was lazy, a daydreamer, an artist with more important things on his beautiful mind than mundane tasks or boring ordinary life. I was none of that.

I am just disabled. I have ADHD.

The phenomenon at play here is called “Executive Dysfunction”, the probably worst aspect of my crazy shit brain. It is the one, that is the hardest to explain to neurotypical folks. Because on the outside it really looks like laziness or procrastination. Though it is not. It’s organic. It’s in the brain. Caused by some chemicals or neutrons or what do I know going rogue. If you are lazy or you “are not feeling it”, that’s mostly a choice and the solution to get back to work can be a simple “You need to try harder.”

“Executive dysfunction” is not a choice. It’s the opposite. It’s actually yourself holding you back from making a choice. What nobody never understood – including me until my ADHD diagnosis at 52 – was that it was never a lack of willpower. Because ADHD is simply put a disability. Like any other disability. And “Try harder.” never “cured” any disability. For one, because disabilities are not curable. They are a part of you. Your organic body. They come to stay.

I will try one last time to explain this. Try really hard.

I got my glasses when I was 10. Nobody said, “You need to try harder to see things clear.” They just gave me this thing to put on my nose. Case closed. Or have you ever seen anyone shouting at someone in a wheelchair “RUN, WHEELCHAIR BOY, RUN! YOU JUST NEED TO TRY HARDER.“ No? Really not? Why not? … Got it? Good.

What now? I don’t know. Just got here as well.

It’s been a long 52 years of “trying harder”, feeling like a fraudster and a let-down. Shame and anxiety became my motivators for five whole f’in decades. Sigh.

This REAL BIG PROBLEM was the first one after the diagnosis. And the learned intrinsic reflexes of the past to solve something this severe, like laughing it away or lying or making it smaller, do not work anymore. At least not for me.

Just the shame was the same as before.

So I keep looking for my glasses and my wheelchair.

Maybe you can help!?

•••

When you are in a competitive situation or trying to accomplish something, there is this moment you get one step ahead. Of the competitor or of your imposter syndrome. You get a glimpse of “I got this. I can win this thing.“

It’s like scoring a goal in football. You get in front by this one goal. The board says “1 you” and “0 the other team”.

It’s tempting to feel like a winner at this moment.

Do not feel like a winner. Take the loser’s side.

I came up with the football metaphor because I can remember FC Bayern München playing Manchester United in the Champions League finale in 1999. The game was seemingly over. At least everybody thought so. It was just a few minutes left. Already extra time. 91 Minutes played. The almighty FCB was sure, they had won this match. Even so much, that they took Lothar “Loddar” Matthäus, the best German player of the 1990s, off the field. Their heads probably already in the beer filled trophy. Then the Munich defence made a REAL BIG MISTAKE. Out of the blue: Manchester scored. Which meant: “Extra Time”. This was a finale, there had to be a winner. So everybody prepared for this additional 30 minutes of football. Munich would fix that. No problem. A corner kick by David Beckham in Minute 93 and the right foot of Ole Gunnar Solskjær disagreed. Manchester took the lead by 2 goals against that now miserable 1 for Munich. Final Whistle. Game over. So much for feeling like a winner, Loddar.

The lesson is simple: No matter how much anyone whispers in your ear “You got this. You are already the winner.”, never stop running. You are no winner.

I do not want to propagate, that you should feel like the loser. You should not. Never. Just play and work and live with the heart of a champion.

Because champions play and work and live like there have something to lose.

Until they have won.

(Munich won the Champions League the year later. Now you know why.)

“No surrender”, 2024, digital, A3

In my inner circle, a disagreement between two people about something escalated. So quickly to a point that one side started to call the other one bad names. So bad, that if it had been about politics, which it was not, the severity of what was said was like calling the other person “Nazi”

If you are a reasonable person and listened in history class, you know how bad this is. It’s a dead end for any relationship. Nazis were and are the worst of the worst.

It reminded me of a quote from the newsletter of German podcaster Matze “Hotel Matze” Hielscher. It referred to some folks cancelling his podcast because Matze is close with a public figure they think has problematic worldviews. Matze sums this insanity up really nice:

Sometimes this person says things I think of as questionable and I disagree with. But that is something my wife does too.

He is so right. I also do not get this cancel culture reflex. When did we unlearn to disagree? We need to dare to disagree. Dare to argue and fight (intellectual) with people who have knowledge, values or beliefs we think are wrong, inhuman or undemocratic or dangerous.

When did facts and values become personal?