Permission to Rest

I finally figured out what is wrong with my knee. It’s “angry,” according to the Orthopedic Doc.

For two months I had tried bullying through the pain. Stretching. Strengthening. Walking. PT. As well as ice, heat, Tiger balm, Bush Balm and all the other natural remedies. But I finally called my primary doc and asked for an MRI. I had self diagnosed with a torn meniscus but I needed to know for sure and see a specialist.

I cried with joy when the MRI tech said they could play any music for me while I was in the machine. Phoebe Bridgers new album!!!! I said without a second of hesitation. Listen to this first song from the album and tell me it’s not perfect….I was worried my crying would make the MRI blurry, but it didn’t. I kept it together.

I was correct. Torn meniscus, tons of inflammation, and fairly serious osteoarthritis of my kneecap. The doctor gave me a cortisone shot (fucking ouch!), a sturdier leg brace, and told me I needed six weeks of total leg rest. No exercise (except upper body). No squatting. No PT. Minimal walking and stairs. No gardening. I can drive, but I got one of those old people seat inserts to take the pressure of my leg. For now, thankfully, no knee replacement either.

The great news is that only a few days later, the pain is greatly reduced as long as I don’t do any sudden movements and keep my mobility to a minimum. The other great news is that it’s like the universe saying get your fricking butt in the chair (on the couch, now, so I can keep my leg elevated) and finish the book.

Last night I finished my first draft of the first half of the book and sent it off to my collaborator, Anneliese Abbot, to be the first reader. The first half is tough, because it covers the deaths of my grandfather, brother and father. So I was feeling a bit weary. As my reward for finishing, I watched the last few episodes of the re-make of My Brilliant Career, on Netflix. The original version was a movie that my father took me to see and he said that it reminded him of me. I won’t give you any spoilers. And as I told Lucia, it doesn’t end like you think it will. But the ending is…perfect. Perfect for me. Perfect for who I was when I first saw it in 1979 at age 17. Perfect for me now at age 64. It felt like a blessing from my dad. Like he was telling me I did good.

He’s been gone for 36 years.

Resting has always been hard for me. There is always something that needs to be done or that I want to do. Fortunately Maya and Tony are coming for the week and I made a very long list of things for them to do (and I appreciate all of you who have reached out an offered help). For now, I’m good. Especially because this morning, as I’m writing this, is the first game of the Premier League, which requires laying on the couch. As many of you know I’ve been following Manchester City for the past 15 years or so, long before Erling Haaland captured the global interest in the World Cup. Heads up, though. Haaland cut off all his hair! I don’t blame him. Man City has a new manager (who looks a lot like the old manager) and it’s not going well for them so far. He’s got a lot of pressure to live up to. But following a team means riding through the ups and downs. In truth, I don’t get too emotional about any of it. But I find the British announcers extremely soothing (which was made even more apparent after listening to the American announcers at the World Cup. Yikes.)

I’m also glad there is a new season of Ted Lasso. So far so good. But I won’t be playing soccer any time soon, if at all ever again. Not that I played it very often anyway, but you know what I mean.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. There is plenty for me to do from my couch. And it’s kind of a relief to not be thinking that I should be doing more.

The state of the world can not be fixed by any one person at this point. It’s deeply concerning. I’m not even going to list everything because it’s too much.

But I’ve been given permission to rest and I’m going to do it.

Final score: Man City 2 - Bournemouth 1, with none of the goals made by Haaland. But it was a nail biter at the end! So fun.