May 2026: On being unwell

I again skipped a month, and I apologize for that. I have been having a lot of trouble getting work done at the right times. I suffered from extreme paralysis and procrastination with my classwork this semester, turning in essays very late because I could not get in the flow of writing, or I kept second-guessing what I was doing, or I got stuck in a rigid order of homework completion where if I didn’t get one assignment done, I could not move on to a different one even though that might have helped me to at least get something done.

Part of the problem is actually that a lot of professors in my program are neurodivergent themselves and also chronically behind on stuff, so they are exceedingly flexible towards us students, which doesn’t help me oftentimes because a firm deadline can help me be more motivated and at least somewhat organized. Many people with ADHD feel a surge of motivation right before a deadline, which helps them get work done. But the other problem I have is that running up against a deadline can also make me start panicking to the degree that I cannot work. It’s a delicate balance and years of schooling have still not taught me how to manage it all. I honestly think I’ve gotten worse over time, as my neurodivergence has bloomed in ways that are hard to control.

So I kept attempting to establish firm deadlines with my professors to try to work with my needs. But then when I did, I panicked and broke down and still turned things in late, and in one class I even took an incomplete. I think the incomplete is very justified though: this is the class that was troubling me all semester because the content was related to my breakdown in January, and even though I eventually got over the triggers, it’s been a lot of effort to try to catch up on work that I had initially set aside. Plus, the stress of the end of the semester seemed to get to me, and I somehow got sick with two bad colds in succession (and I’m still recovering) and also had the unusual-for-me, partially psychosomatic symptom of repeatedly dry heaving and even occasionally throwing up over the last month. I figured that it was a signal that I’ve become very worn down and need a break.

The other sign of my overall exhaustion and unwellness was my suddenly having no interest in intellectual or creative activities for a few days last week. I did not want to do anything except play Hogwarts Mystery on my phone (somewhat embarrassingly, I have recently developed a highly absorbing special interest in Harry Potter, despite my knowing very well the problems with its creator and the series itself), which is not a particularly mentally stimulating game because much of the time you’re just tapping objects to spend energy and stuff. I was stuck at home because of being sick and had a “boredom headache” from not being able to do anything. I seem to be reemerging from that uncomfortable state and also starting to recover from my illness.

I have wondered, though, at how I have been feeling more on the low side a lot this whole academic year. That’s not very characteristic of me. My bipolar has always manifested as more leaning towards the high side, enhanced by the excitability of my ADHD. Even before I developed the “disorder,” I was an energetic and hopeful person. A fellow violist in my high school orchestra, who experienced mental illness themself, once commented to me that I had a lot of brightness in me. They then expressed a hope that it would stay with me always. They said it knowing very well the neurotic tendencies that would also show up in me sometimes. I happened to be tasked with leading the viola section, which was a small group that seemed to be half neurotic artists and half people who didn’t like to practice. It was an interesting experience that taught me a lot of things.

At my most recent psychiatry visit, I decided to be honest with my psychiatrist about how I feel about my medications, which is very complicated. I do hope that I can decrease my amount of medication over time, if not get off of meds altogether. Bipolar used to be considered a lifelong condition — and many clinicians have not updated their understanding — but there has been evidence that many people who develop the disorder in young adulthood find that it starts to settle down in middle adulthood, when many aspects of their lives might be also becoming more stable (such as career paths or building a family). And then there are also people for whom bipolar may not be strictly a mood disorder, but perhaps more of a circadian rhythm issue that can be addressed with specific sleep regimens, or an autoimmune issue that might improve or even clear up with the appropriate treatment. This is all to say that nothing is certain in how things will continue for me. Things could persist and things could change in ways that I can’t fully imagine in the present. I view my madneuroqueerness as one fluid entity that evolves throughout my life, manifesting in different ways at different times. (They say that autism and ADHD are neurodevelopmental disorders, but isn’t bipolar, which most often emerges in late adolescence or early adulthood, just as “developmental,” only at a different time period?)

I also spoke to my psychiatrist about what I have been learning in my classes about cultures in which madness is considered a spiritual gift. Malidoma Patrice Somé, a healer from the Dagara tribe in West Africa, wrote about how when he visited a psychiatric hospital in the United States, he saw spirits trying to communicate with the patients, who were prevented from accessing the spiritual world due to a lack of support and likely a lot of trauma from the hospital. He decided to bring a youth who experienced psychosis back to his village, and through participating in the tribe’s rituals, the youth recovered enough to then return to the US for college, which he originally was not expected to be able to attend.

My bipolar has felt spiritual from the very beginning, and that is a large part of why I’m studying East-West Psychology and getting the spiritual counseling certificate in particular. I feel that I need to learn to face my intensity and learn to work with it, not just suppress it. But in order for it to be safe for me to do so, I need to have strong supports put into place and a crisis response plan so that nothing destructive happens and I don’t end up in the hospital again. I do think it’s possible, but now is not the right time. I have too many commitments to keep up, and I deal with chronic suicidal ideation even with my medications. The purpose of my meds is to preserve my functioning enough so that I can get a foothold in this demanding and often hostile world. It makes total sense for me to be on them right now. It still makes me sad.

I am lucky to have a psychiatrist who is open to discussing challenging and liminal topics such as these. She is analytical and erudite herself and is the first psychiatrist or psych nurse I’ve had who’s actually able to think ahead of me. Previously I felt like I was often coming up with diagnoses myself, and then just trying to verify them with clinicians, only to then doubt myself or blame myself because I thought I was making things up. But my current psychiatrist has taught me a lot from her specific expertise, which, from her bio, includes autism, LGBTQ issues, and gifted students. She told me that the autistic shutdowns I have, which often leave me unable to stand up or otherwise physically weakened or slowed down, are common among highly intelligent people whose bodies forcibly slow down their active minds due to overwhelm. It had not occurred to me that they had to do with intelligence, or rather a particular way of experiencing the world that high intelligence often brings. I suppose there are not many psychiatrists who have the clinical experience to see such a pattern in their patients, especially since there are so few who understand autism in adults.

This summer I will be taking a course for my program, along with getting the work done for the course I took an incomplete in, as there is a type of course that is required for the degree that I haven’t been able to fit into my schedule. This month, I am also auditing The Collaborative Piano Institute’s summer program online, as I have been wanting more training in collaborative piano, but the program conflicts with commitments I have, so I couldn’t attend it in person. (I also find music and performing arts intensives to be sensorily overwhelming and stressful and have tended to need a lot of rest when attending one, so the online option, which allows me to watch whatever videos I wish whenever I want throughout this summer, is more accessible.) I’m trying to get some rest as well, but there are always so many things that I want to do! I will be getting a massage at least — my mother decided to return to me the gift card that I gave her a couple years ago for a massage at a spa because she didn’t feel comfortable getting a massage from a stranger. I’m not entirely sure how it will feel for me given my sensitivities, but I'm willing to try.

I’m also starting as a piano teacher with Artistic Elements LLC. I’ve never done piano teaching before, but in my shadowing/training sessions I have been finding that I have good intuition for how to coach students in improving their technique and artistry. There are some general pedagogical skills from my maths tutoring experience that also apply here. My more analytical approach may not work for students who are just beginning or are more casual learners, so I will have to learn new strategies for them.

On June 11th, I will be performing The Legend of Yuliang once again as part of the Global Performance + Sound Lab happening at Arts, Letters, and Numbers in Averill Park, New York. I previously attended the Creative Music Intensive at that place, and I am excited to return to share this show, which is a combination of personal narrative and collective ritual, with the other artists and whoever else will be in attendance. The exact time hasn’t been announced yet, but it will be posted on the linked site when it is!

On June 28th at 10:00am, Johnson Memorial Methodist Church in Mayfair, Philadelphia is having an outdoor worship service. They have invited the Christian band Descendants of Noah to perform, and I as their staff musician am also singing/playing a few songs. We will be congratulating two high school graduates, and we are welcoming anyone interested to attend. It’s a small church, so it would be great to have some newcomers, regardless of whether you stay with us in the future.

Josephine McCarthy, a magician whose ideas we explored in my Jung the Magician class, wrote that with practice and close attention, you can predict when you are becoming unwell. The day prior to getting sick with the first of two bad colds, I had an autistic shutdown at the karate studio. I consider it a sign that when my energetic boundaries are penetrated, my immunological boundaries might be as well. What are some of the earliest signs of your getting unwell (whatever that means for you)?

When I was in the psych hospital in January, I met a person who was very spiritual and told me that he could see a spirit communicating with another patient. This person also happened to never appear distressed, always rating his depression, anxiety, and pain at a zero. I have no idea why he was in the hospital in the first place. He didn’t seem manic or particularly ungrounded either (though maybe he was at some point prior to when I arrived? But then why did I still manage to get myself out of there before him?). When he saw my initial reaction of confusion at his statement, “That guy’s in love” (with a spirit), I responded that I did not perceive what he did, but that I believed him. Would you ever believe someone who perceived something you did not? How would you respond to them if you did not?