My Location 📍 The Blind Date Book Club

Hello readers! I’m launching a new feature at This Must be the Place! It’s called My Location. This is where I’ll feature cultural reviews. You’ll see the usual reviews (movies, TV, books), and the unusual reviews (pie eating contests, local hippie music festivals, lady rompers, lemonade stands).

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For the fancy-pants culture vultures among us, Hallmark movies are an easy target. “Heteronormative hogwash!” you might say. Or, “Insouciant buffoonery!” Snide remarks about their insipid plot lines and extravagant cocoa budgets are a dime a dozen. Have at it!

But I’m here to tell you that Hallmark is not fucking around.

In the scorched earth wasteland that is streaming video, Hallmark is a triumphant phoenix; it’s a shrewd and cunning megabrand who knows exactly what their audience wants. And they deliver.

Creative risk taking is overrated, especially when there are people on comfortable sofas who are looking for something specific. And the Hallmark Channel viewer (who I’ll refer to as she/her) is extremely specific about her needs.

The good people at Hallmark don’t just know her, they live and breathe her. An amalgamation of this female audience can be re-constituted just by watching one movie; I suggest you get to know her, too. Hallmark shows up in her living room every night with the flowers she likes, her favorite chocolates, lights a fire, and throws in a delightful foot rub just how she likes it. But never, ever, does Hallmark expect anything in return.

There isn’t much plot to summarize here, but without looking at my notes, here’s what I remember. A bookshop owner named Meg has been pouring her heart into her business on the idyllic island of Nantucket. It’s been a rough go, but not too bad from the looks of her adorable wardrobe (red flats, striped shirt with a French tuck). To attract customers, Meg comes up with an idea to wrap up books in brown craft paper and twine (evoking a sort of craft-porn which I’ll come back to) and hand write a few descriptors on each book (i.e. “Dark and mysterious thriller, great with cocoa.” I made that up.) People come in to buy the wrapped books as a “blind date with a book.” Then there’s a meeting of inoffensively dressed book lovers who discuss one of the books, and also do crafts, and also possibly meet their love interests. The mechanics of the book club are poorly explained, or I might not have been paying attention. In any case, it all seems to make sense to the people in the movie.

Meanwhile, black-turtleneck-wearing author Graham Sterling is in the bustling office of his New York literary agent. There is some inexplicable talk about how they usually meet while playing squash (which makes me think this scene was originally set on a squash court and they should have edited the script more thoroughly). Graham wants to write an epic historical romance, rather than the best-selling YA drivel he’s been taking to the bank for years. His agent says no.

I’ll jump ahead to the fact that Graham ends up in Nantucket after hearing an NPR story (!) about Meg and her bookshop. (I don’t know why I’m saying bookshop, but that’s Hallmark for you.) He goes there to get in on the “blind date with a book club” action – and brings along his self-published romance for her to wrap, which she does, with all the anticipation you might imagine. Something like: She carefully cuts the brown paper and folds it around Graham’s hardcover book, wrapping it all with a simple twine bow, as if tying the knot. Hubba hubba.

There are one or two more irrelevant plot points, a fairly major character unironically named Alice Waters, some very hawt crafting scenes (steamy flower arranging and mocktail making), an English 101-level conversation about what makes a great book, and by the last scene Graham and Meg hold each other loosely, as if to indicate that they’re in love, and kiss in the most asexual way possible: like two goldfish gulping air after being lifted out of a tank in a net.

“People want to connect with material, and with others who are having a great experience from deep in these pages.” - Meg Tompkins

Meg Tompkins (played by Erin Krakow) is typical of Hallmark leading ladies: she is not unattractive, but she is not attractive either. Her role is to be relatable, not unattainable. She’s not one of the cool kids. She speaks clearly and directly, the lines are audible. At first I was astounded to discover that Krakow is actually a graduate of the Julliard School. But when I gave it more thought, I realized she does an especially good job looking out of the corners of her eyes, pursing her lips, and sighing softly. Plus, she adopted the nasal “O” of the upper midwest even though she grew up in Florida. Not bad! Since each Hallmark movie is filmed in 15 days, which means zero re-takes, I think Krakow’s best skill may be that she shows up prepared.

It’s Graham Sterling (played by Robert Buckley) that gets the party started. Importantly, he’s got hair — loads and loads — and it’s well groomed. He’s healthy, with excellent posture and good teeth. He’s snarky without being mean. He’s noticeably helpful, but doesn’t look for credit. He’s a very good sport about all the crafting. And he’s a terrific listener. All in all, he’s a pleasantly undemanding man who can apparently take care of himself and is not looking to pull one over on Meg. Dreamboat! Who wouldn’t fall asexually for him?

To be fair, Graham Sterling could be played by any actor with hair who has a 32-inch waist and can stand still. Buckley is a fine man for the job.

Blind Date Book Club is not a story of angst or dread. Rather, it’s a low-cal smorgasbord of audience faves – in this particular case, it will appeal directly to the Hallmark viewer who likes to read romances. Hallmark from the 3-point line!! Every scene contains a steaming mug of something, a cozy blanket, or a pair of mittens. But most importantly, every scene shows a steady resolve by the main character to become less alone. To matter. And in that process, she is not asked to humiliate herself or be something that she is not. Hallmark has created a Valhalla for middle aged women and God love ‘em for it.

I consider the 15-minute nap I took in the middle of this movie to be a compliment to the chef. I was relaxed enough to let go of my usual jitters, and refreshed enough to watch the satisfying ending.

The fact that this movie was not filmed in Nantucket but in British Columbia (in order to skirt union rules) should not be held against it. The Hallmark Channel makes tons of these things every year (for less than $1 million/per), employing a perfectly adequate group of trained filmmakers for months on end. That’s more than can be said about any major US platform.

For this reviewer, the success of any product is based on the rate of the intended audience’s satisfaction. Although my rubric is proprietary and cannot be divulged, Hallmark’s score is off the charts — even if their intended audience isn’t me. Or is it? I like a French tuck as much as the next lady.

That’s why I give ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ to the incredibly well done Blind Date Book Club, which provides maximum satisfaction to this overlooked audience with a set of simple, but impossible-to-satisfy needs. It’s perfect for the woman who lives in a drafty house, and wears un-fun clothes; the woman whose underpaid job and heckling husband constantly remind her how inconsequential she is, and how much time she has wasted. This Hallmark movie is 90 minutes of bliss where she can imagine the life she could have had if her life were her own.

Check out a clip here.

PS! If you’re a Hallmark virgin (don’t worry, there’s no shame in it), you’re in for some seriously good stuff. It’s Christmas in July! And if there’s one thing that she wants, it’s Christmas in July.

This is a safe space to share your favorite Hallmark Channel programming. Mine is Searching for Mr. Christmas, a reality show where they find hunks for upcoming films. Yes, one of the events is shirtless crafting.

I’d love your ❤️, and I’d love to invite you to become a paid subscriber. xox

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