How I Plan to Get Rich, One Turkey at a Time

I’m back again for my weekly Substack newsletter. It only feels like yesterday I was griping about missing my weight loss goal. Time keeps flying by, and it won’t be long until I’ll watch the Dallas Cowboys find more remarkable ways to lose games.

Anyway, I don’t spend all of my time writing these days. I do some other things to earn money, you know, like dig around in a closet for junk. Sorry, I mean I search for lost treasures I can sell online.

By the way, I’m the man you are looking for if you are in need of an Old World Christmas ornament. I only have about 1,082 ornaments available for sale at the super low cost of $10 plus shipping, plus whatever random fees Poshmark adds on to each transaction.

Sounds amazing, right? Right??

Okay, let me back up and give you the origin story of this misadventure because I got a little carried away talking about Christmas ornaments.

Good question! Back in late 2023, I had the bright idea to help my parents clean out their house. My mom owned a gift shop for nearly twenty years before she eventually retired and sold her business. I think I was still in college, so that was a long time ago.

Anyway, the point is that a lot of that junk stuff eventually migrated to their house.

Unfortunately, most of it has been languishing in closets or spare bedrooms for almost two decades. So, we came up with the bright idea for me to try to sell all of this stuff online, so their house doesn’t look like an episode of Hoarders.

I make a little bit of money, and their house looks slightly less cluttered. Win-win situation!

I don’t know if you noticed, but taking photos is my specialty. Point and click and post. That’s my whole strategy.

My issue is that I know next to nothing when it comes to decorative chickens, turkeys, bracelets, charms, figurines, rings, or the endless ways to describe these overpriced things. I literally had no idea that my vocabulary was so limited.

Nevertheless, I continue on my quest to financial freedom by posting one turkey or chicken at a time. I’ve even made a few sales recently, which helps to keep the delusion alive for at least another week.

Almost like writing on Substack.

Poshmark now has this feature where it will write the description of whatever you upload. I assume they have writers on standby to perform such a miraculous task. Of course, the description is wrong 90% of the time, and it has to be edited.

For example, the stupid thing described the glass turkey as a swan. “Elegant” also seems to be a popular word, which is just one of the many words I’ve never used in my life.

I would try to write these descriptions myself because I know I’m an amazing writer. Unfortunately, I only need to drink 54 cups of coffee to even know how to describe most of the things I’m trying to sell on Poshmark.

This might surprise you, but I’m not the type of person who goes shopping for fun. I couldn’t care less about any of this stuff. I buy video games or books. That’s it. I have no desire to collect 401 chickens or have a house full of angels.

But apparently, some people are into that kinda stuff, and I’m totally not going to judge them.

I’ll gladly sell them these things and pretend like I know what I’m doing. It pays better than writing on Medium, which isn’t saying too much, but even a dead financial empire can rise again with one glass turkey at a time. Or something.

If you made it this far, I have the perfect store if you are into snowman ornaments, ugly old vases, random necklaces, glass turkeys of all colors, and overpriced charms.

I might even knock $2 off whatever you choose because that’s how much I care about my subscribers. You can check out the trainwreck, I mean, all of these amazing items by clicking on the link to my Poshmark closet.

Happy shopping. Jeff Bezos better watch out.