All of the Secrets to Being a Successful Writer in 2026 (I Would Never Ever Lie)

Writing for a living sounds almost like a dream.

Roll out of bed whenever you want, throw some words on a screen, and get paid. Repeat this process over and over again. Easy, right?

True, finding new clients is like searching for Bigfoot, but luckily, you have a few other options. I’m here to tell you all of the secrets because…well, actually, I’m kinda low on ideas, and I’m just throwing this article together, but that’s going off-topic.

Anyway, enough rambling.

Keep reading if you want to find ways to be a successful writer in 2026 from a self-proclaimed expert. (I would never lie)

Anyone can start a Substack. You don’t even have to pay a membership fee. True, getting subscribers is not easy, but it’s not impossible. Sure, 70% will never open one of your emails, but that’s not the point.

You can even charge $5, $50, or any amount per month for your newsletter. You might even get an orange checkmark next to your name once you hit 100 paid subscribers. No, I’m not speaking from experience, but I think I’ve seen it a few times.

Want paid subscribers? Just casually shove an upgrade button into the middle of your article and pray.

Yes, 99.99% of your readers will ignore you, but you have a .01% chance of someone accidentally clicking the button and upgrading to a paid membership.

Miracles do happen!

Medium is one of the few places where you can share your two cents online and still make the same amount.

True, you have to pay at least $5 a month, but you can write that off on your taxes. I think? Actually, I have no idea, and it’s probably not a good idea to take tax advice from someone who doesn’t even qualify for a tax bracket.

Nevertheless, you can earn some serious coins like Mario if you stick around long enough. You might have to turn yourself into a vampire to live a few centuries, but no one said the writing life was easy. Actually, I think I did say that earlier, but never mind.

On the bright side, I really did have a virtual meeting with a couple of people from Medium yesterday. I mentioned that paying slightly better and giving articles more than a two-day lifespan can help writers stay motivated. Will they listen? No idea, but at least I tried!

This is always a fun one. By the way, not all writing gurus or coaches are bad. Some really do give out great advice. Others are really good at selling hope, rainbows, and unicorns. Actually, never mind. That line sounded way better in my head.

Anyway, you can often learn all of the secrets from these magicians if you buy their course, product, or magic pixie dust. It’s kinda like if I wanted to play in the NBA, all I need to do is buy a training course from Michael Jordan, and I’ll be suiting up for the San Antonio Spurs next season.

Totally possible…The Spurs just haven’t returned my emails yet.

• I’m about to send out this post in less than an hour, and today is Friday. (Around 5 pm) In other words, that’s the ABSOLUTE worst time to publish anything online. Do as I say and not as I do, or something.

• Struggling to gain traction on Substack Notes? Post a cat photo. Even cows work if you live out in the middle of nowhere.

• Subscribe to as many people as possible. You will blow up your inbox while also gaining new subscribers who will never read anything you write.

• Lock the second half of your posts behind a paywall. Everyone loves the suspense.

• Always trust advice from anyone online.

Alright, I think I’m done. Thank you for reading or skimming. Be sure to subscribe if you want more nonsense to reach your inbox.

Have a great weekend!