Not Taking It Back

After adjusting how I managed my energy during the day, I began to notice how easily I could undo those efforts once I got home. This passage from Chapter Two explores what it meant to let support remain in place.

Excerpt from Finding Yoyu

Changing what time I arrived at school, making sure I drank enough liquids, and building in some quiet time midday went a long way toward helping me arrive home with more yoyu, which was imperative because, without it, I’d be cranky and wouldn’t have the necessary patience to be kind to Otosan. My husband could understand if I didn’t have yoyu and would leave me alone until I did. However, with symptoms of Alzheimer’s increasing day by day, Otosan couldn’t understand, so it was up to me to manage my energy in a way that enabled me to be fully there for him. I was now much better able to do this, thanks to my three new “yoyu hacks,” but there was one more change that made a world of difference once I got home.

The first time Akira was away on a business trip after his father came to live with us, I came home from school and stared into the fridge with no idea what to cook. I hadn’t yet implemented the energy fixes above and had no yoyu. There was plenty of food, and Otosan wasn’t picky. Sometimes he couldn’t remember if it was breakfast or dinner, so I could serve anything and he’d be happy. I loved creating in the kitchen, but on that day, my tired brain couldn’t think of what to put together. All I had ready was a pot of rice, and I wished I’d planned ahead. I don’t remember now, but I probably fried some eggs and made a quick pot of miso soup to go with it.

The next morning, I talked with Akira on the phone. He was still in the US and wouldn’t be back until the weekend. I told on myself and how I missed him being home. He teased me, saying, “You don’t miss me. You just miss me being in charge of dinner.” I tried to deny it, and we laughed, knowing his comment was close to the truth. Then he said, “Just because I’m gone doesn’t mean I can’t be in charge on Wednesdays. Why didn’t you pick up something at the store on your way home?”

Why hadn’t I thought of that? Normally, if Akira didn’t want to cook on Wednesdays, it never meant I had to cook. It meant we went out or that he went to the store and bought prepared foods. So the next time he was away on a Wednesday, I channeled my inner Akira and bought prepared foods too.

It seems trivial. I mean, who cares who makes dinner? You might think how privileged I am to have such a frivolous concern. Maybe you don’t have a spouse who would even consider setting foot in the kitchen. Or perhaps you live alone. My point here is not about who makes dinner. For me, the lesson was three-fold: recognizing that I needed help, putting someone else in charge, and then allowing that other person to stay responsible even when they weren’t available.

How often do we ask for help and get it, only to take back the responsibility and find ourselves burdened again? Today I preserve my energy by not taking back dinner duty; instead, I allow myself to spend money on prepared foods, thinking of Akira as being in charge even when he isn’t the one in line at the store.

—from Finding Yoyu

If you’re new here and wondering what yoyu means, you can read a simple explanation here.