All of It: The One Word Swap That Changed My Marriage, Asking for Myself for Once, and What I've Been Eating

Here’s the thing you should know about me: I will organize a whole fundraiser for a total stranger. I will call in every favor I’ve ever banked for a cause, a friend, a friend’s cousin who needs a job. Asking on behalf of other people is genuinely one of my favorite things to do on this earth.

Asking for myself: I would rather eat glass.

AND *, here it goes, despite how much I loathe doing this - I would like to ask you to consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Our small, mighty team pours a genuinely absurd number of hours into this every week, and I’ve been stubbornly allergic to putting up a paywall. But we have bigger things we want to build, including (a few new content franchises), and I’d love to make more of it, not less.

If you’d consider it, it would mean the world to us.

And if not, please stay right here, free, always welcome. I mean that completely.

Either way, thank you for being here. It still stuns me that you are. xx

*The One Word My Therapist Made Me Delete

My therapist has told me a lot of things over the years. I nod, I thank her, and I’ve usually forgotten most of it by the parking lot.

This one stuck: she told me to stop saying “but.”

Not all the time. Just in the moment where I agree with someone and then take it right back. “You’re right, but.” “I hear you, but.” “I love you, but.”

Try “and” instead, she said. That was the whole note.

Here’s what “but” does: it wipes out whatever you said before it. The person you’re talking to doesn’t really hear the first half. They’re just waiting for the part where you disagree. It sets the two halves against each other, and one of them has to lose.

“And” lets both halves stay true.

With my husband, “I know you’re overwhelmed, but I’m drowning too” became “I know you’re overwhelmed, and I’m drowning too.” Almost the same sentence. Completely different to be on the receiving end of. The first one is an argument. The second one is two tired people on the same side.

With my team, if I say “this is great work, but I’d change the ending,” all anyone hears is the ending. If I say “this is great work, and I’d change the ending,” the compliment actually gets to stay.

I figured this would just make me nicer. I didn’t expect it to make me more honest, but it did.

Because I really do believe you don’t have to choose. You can be grateful and exhausted. You can be proud of someone and still want more for them. You can love your husband and want to leave him on the side of the road at 7am.

It was never either/or. It’s all of it (see what I did there?)

1a. Dudley Market - Everything is amazing here. Love the Peruvian scallops and their presentation.

1b. Clark’s - For a Parisian mussels moment with an ocean view in Malibu.

1c. Miura - A Michelin star sushi in Beverly Hills. Incredible omakase. Very expensive but a cool experience.

1d. Miya Miya - Some of the best shawarma I’ve ever had. They sell out fast and once you try it, you’ll see why.

1e. Folks Pizzeria - I love pizza and this was very, very good pizza in Culver City.

1f. Tak Bakery - I brought these Persian pastries to the office and my team loved them - especially the cream puffs!

2a. Khaite Blake Clutch - The structure and hardware instantly elevates my sweater and jeans - a must for a day to night out look.
2b. Kosas Soulgazer Lengthening Mascara + Lash Serum in 1 for Sensitive Eyes - My new favorite that is Andy approved! Really great mascara.
2c. Toteme Classic Sunglasses Black - Love everything Toteme and this shape is perfect for a slight cat-eye lift.
2d. April Seven Kara Satin Top - Such a great price for a silky top!
2e. AGOLDE 90’s Pinch Waist High Rise Straight - A classic silhouette and wash that feels retro yet timeless, and it’s so flattering.
2e. AGOLDE Arc Long High-Rise Wide-Leg Jeans - Love this wash and style too, especially for Fall.

2g. Rachel Donath Senne Mirror Brass - Just bought this for our home remodel - I love unlacquered brass. Rachel Donath products are all gorgeous, we have so many in our home.
2h. Armani Beauty Eye Tint Long-Lasting Liquid Eyeshadow - The easiest to apply and blend and it looks so rich on. My recent favorite is Cashew - the matte shades look so cool.
2i. Róhe Daria - Single Pleat Tapered Trousers | Carmine - You know how much I love pants, and these statement trousers are my new obsession.
2j. Annie Bing Hugh Jean 32” - Makes your legs look so long! Perfect for summer with a neutral knit.
2k. The Row 90s Baguette in Small Grained Calfskin - The easiest shape that fits all the essentials.

A few Architectural Digest covers that are always on my moodboard.

“Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.” - Phoebe, Friends.

Thank you for being here. What's the best advice your therapist has ever given you? I’d love to know in the comments.