Guru Diaries: I’m scared

I woke up today feeling fine, and stupid I guess, considering I felt like I was in the early stages of sepsis last night. What felt like a perfect storm last night looks like a perfect storm this morning, and I woke up, without an alarm, to the storm sirens far away. I’m happy Magic isn’t flying today.

A few days ago I thought my daughter had a UTI, and this is the second time it’s been nothing. First time as well, she was freaking out because her “pee was hot”, which had me freaking out. Last time, three years ago, she was fine. If you have girls you know that these things can be common as the butt wipers become more independent. I have since established that Chat GPT, while always down to talk symptoms with me, is not actually good for my medical anxiety and that six months of using it has not improved my anxiety around medical events at all.

In six months my two daughters both had norovirus, strep, and norovirus, with strep sending us to urgent care 2x. In six months I’ve been afraid of a slew of different catastrophic events from colorectal cancer to ameliogenesis imperfecta. I’ve noticed that TikTok, of all things, assaults my mental health and that I rarely leave the app without buying something (a practice I’m forbidden to participate in for the next six months) or with a fresh bundle of symptoms.

After focusing on a UTI for forty five minutes straight, locked in, uninterrupted, I developed one that evening.

I as in me, with no prior causes or symptoms. I was on my period, hadn’t had sex, hadn’t had anything unusual, hadn’t done anything strange, was not prone to UTI, and haven’t had one in about 15 years. In fact I’ve only had two prior to this, and the first one when I was fifteen landed me in the ER with a kidney infection and a doctor who (incorrectly) told my dad it was because I was sexually active. Turns out my mom had never taught me to wipe front to back, and neither did anyone else. They probably didn’t know.

for the last 48 hours I thought I created it, and it was breaking my head, because I know I can’t create out of thin air like that, that for humans we have to focus over time, but I thought I did. That I actualized a physical condition onto myself, and this was breaking my head.

how did I do this? Could I do it again?

I obviously wanted to be rid of it immediately, so I banished it, but it didn’t work. The pain was disturbing, and I monitored my symptoms closely as my husband prepared to leave to New Orleans to house hunt, what would have been today’s flight. Yesterday, my son woke up for the day at 3:30, as he sometimes, uncontrollably does since literal infancy. I wish I knew other first generation parents who don’t spank their kids who are raising Taurus first children because fuck my shit UP this kid has me on my last straw regularly.

My husband was at his extra jiu jitsu class,a private lesson that couldn’t be cancelled respectfully, and going to need to use my personal time for extra sleep, a day I was counting on to rest up before flying solo with the kids all day. Would be my second day without cigarettes, swamped with work, preparing for a tough three days alone, and I had a UTI I was convinced I had caused, that wouldn’t reverse itself as easily as it appeared, and the pain was traveling from my vag up my back, to my kidneys. Considering last time this happened I fainted and woke up in the hospital at 15, I was pretty afraid of this happening again, especially as a non driver with no nanny and three kids alone in upstate NY.

ugh it was tough. Rainer was unreasonable due to a lack of sleep and we were five hours away from an enforced nap for him. Wylie was shrieking from Rainer harassing her endlessly, which he does at least five times a day as it is, Magic was gone, and Taiga was resetting every five minutes in sync with Wylie. My head was completely saturated with anxiety and I couldn’t transfer the headspace that I was convinced broke the laws of space and time to manifest an illness into something I could control.

That was the head breaker. I know I cannot control, and this knowing has made me who I am. When people pay me for my knowing, it’s this knowing, that you can’t control.

but this UTI, could I control?

I yelled at everyone, minus Taiga, woke up Magic and strode out of the house to do breathwork by the sauna, which is literally just me pretending I’m still in my allotted 21 day cigarette stretch I was granted this year. I came back and demanded order I’ll never get from everyone.

Magic, put me first in your life always. I doubt this will ever happen. I hope it does but I don’t even know what this will look like. I’ve felt like he’s my princess baby this whole time, and I want to be the princess baby. Schedule ME things, make my dinner. Don’t ask me for things you know I can’t give without crashing out, like extra jiu jitsu. I never say no to him, because he comes first in my life. I’ll do anything I can forever to improve his life but… fuck! I never ask for anything. And work without being told to, publicly, daily, NOW. See a “no” situation before asking.

Rainer STOP FIGHTING THE PLAN and ADHERE TO THE FAMILY SCHEDULE. STOP HARASSING YOUR SISTER. Probably never going to happen, he also can’t control his 3:30 wake ups which I empathize with because neither can I, it’s been lifelong. Take the fucking “no”.

Wylie stop IMMEDIATELY going to tears about every minor thing oh my god you can take a “no” without it being life or death.

And Taiga for God’s sake your a third baby you have to go along with the family. I can’t keep turning around to realize dad had to take you on a two hour personal activity, leaving me with the other two kids, because you were filing complaints nonstop. You don’t get a personal parent like the big kids got, we don’t have a third parent. Now ADAPT, and that’s really a daddy thing.

after that, and having to immediately go to work afterwards, I was convinced I didn’t need a UTI anymore now and attempted to banish it for the third time. Didn’t work. Back pain, maybe from the one armed kettlebells. Cramping, maybe from my period. Blood in my urine, maybe from my period. UTI test, inconclusive. Maybe pelvic floor drama. Maybe anxiety. Maybe death.

We went back and forth about delaying Magic’s trip, even after prayer we weren’t much clearer. In an attempt to find clarity we booked his air b and b and got stubborn, and for a minute there it felt clear.

Then the house he was traveling to see went off market. The options slimmed. The reality that our houses were 1.2 and our budget was 950 sunk in a little deeper. My anxiety heightened as bedtime drew nearer and my back ached relentlessly.

I ran my symptoms through Chat GPT again with an “are you sure?” and then asked if, based on our conversations I appeared to suffer from medical anxiety. Please rate me on a scale of 1-5, just the number, no explanation.

It said 5. Usually 4, but lately 5.

me, a spiritual teacher, with level 5 medical anxiety.

But I was concerned. My daughter had no alarming symptoms but was down with a low grade fever for five days while I chatted with a robot about when it was an emergency, and she had strep.

I weighed that against my current symtoms and called my husband to get in bed with me.

I’m so fucking sick of not sleeping with my husband, by the way. It’s because my eight year old has always been an absolutely terrible sleeper that needs a full time co-sleeper in the room (separate beds) and a full time night butler. For six years my husband has “sleep trained” him with no progress, and I’ve handled two newborns. I wish I could explain accurately how tough my son is without being a mean kid in any way. He’s absolutely wonderful but, like most Taurus, he absolutely LOVES to fight and enjoys creating conflict everywhere he can. This kid fucking sends me you guys from day 1. His endurance is unmatched. A no he got at 3:30 AM will still be a cause he’s championing at 3:30 PM. Fucking shoot me.

anyways I called my husband to comE soothe me in bed like a princess baby and cried to him. “I’m scared that you’re going to go and I’m going to be really sick.”

“I’m scared that I can’t handle this alone well right now.”

Not “here’s the data, chat GPT”, my way of “getting grounded” so I don’t have to tell my husband I’m Scared and I don’t know what to do, so he has to fix it.

Not curling up into his arms like a princess baby girl who needs help and is lost without him.

Come to think of it, when I had a kidney infection I crawled into bed on the pull out couch with my dad to ask him if he could take me to the hospital, and I blacked out after that. It was the last time I ever did that, as a former daddy’s girl. 15 was too old to be doing all that, but it’s true that my dad was trying. Wasn’t he sleeping on the pullout couch so I didn’t have to share the big room with my brothers?

Wasn’t he working at 7/11 and still finding a way to buy me Slim Fast?

Didn’t he get me up and take me to the ER in the middle of the night?

I guess during that kidney infection all those years ago when the doctor told my dad it was because I was sleeping around, I stopped being a little girl that needed help. I moved out, again, a few months later.

Now I’m learning, as an adult, that when I ask for help in a way that’s genuine, not defining the plan and making sure my partner executes on it, but just saying “I’m scared.” or “I’m struggling” and letting him sort it out, the polarity in our relationship improves.

I remember that if, instead of rolling facts back and forth with a robot, I could just say to my husband “I’m scared that Wylie’s had a fever too long”, and he would say something comforting like “she’s okay tonight, but let’s go to the doctor tomorrow.”

I remember that I don’t need a good reason to be soft and helpless, that I can tell him I’m scared and he’ll solve the problems on his own.

Most importantly, I remember I cannot control things, and that I didn’t give me this UTI, God did, because God knew I would never get what I most want in life if I can’t curl up in the hands of my protector and say

“Dad, I’m scared.”

(my hair is not this orange btw it’s the photo)