Taking Our Licks In 2026

Say what you will about 2025… no, really, go ahead and say whatever you want. This dumpster fire of a year is barely stumbling to the finish line and likely wants nothing more than to hide in the shadows like an adulterous couple ducking out of the view of a roving stadium kiss cam, so feel free to unload on 2025 with both barrels.

In truth, 2025 offered little to recommend it. This was a year that started with the LA fires blowing up and ended with the federal government shutting down. A year when the President came into office modeling his trade policy on the Oprah Winfrey Show (“You get a tariff! You get a tariff! You get a tariff!) and his domestic policy on the Soup Nazi (“No Education for you!” “No FEMA for you!” “No DEI for you!”). And from that point, the nation only grew more divided as we heatedly debated contentious issues like the war in Gaza, ICE raids in the nation’s cities, and whether 100 men could defeat a gorilla.

I suppose the best that can be said for the past 12 months is that, despite President Trump’s assault on the Education Department, we still learned a lot in 2025. We learned, for example, that the solution to the nation’s decades-long battle with drug addiction was to blow up some fishing boats in the Caribbean. I know, it seems so obvious now. And thanks to the Sean “Diddy” Combs trial, we learned what a “freak-off” party is, as well as why baby oil had become so scarce on drug store shelves.

We learned from Donald Trump that the best way to show how serious you are about arresting the leader of a Latin American country for alleged drug trafficking is by pardoning and freeing from prison the leader of a DIFFERENT Latin American country who’s already been convicted and imprisoned for drug trafficking. And we also learned that what seemed like continually rising costs for food, child care, rent, health care and education threatening to drive half of the country into financial ruin was all just a Democratic hoax.

And perhaps most importantly, we learned that in the near future we won’t have to learn anything anymore because AI will do all of our thinking for us.

Admittedly, the year did attempt to redeem itself, at least slightly, in December when the viral image of a drunken raccoon passed out in a Virginia liquor store bathroom led an entire nation on the brink to sigh and reflect, “Yes, I feel seen.”

But in reality, 2025 felt like one long Jet2 Holiday disaster after another, 12 months that, much like the Louvre’s French Crown Jewels, were stolen from us, never to be recovered — even though we know who all the culprits were.

So rather than waste any more time in reflection, let us instead metaphorically hurl a Subway sandwich in disgust at the year just past and redirect our steps forward as we bumble our way toward these key events yet to come in 2026:

January 21

February 3: A beaming Donald Trump proudly accepts “Best in Show” honors at the 2026 Westminster Kennel Dog Show.

February 8: Fans erupt in applause during the Super Bowl halftime show when surprise guests Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot appear on stage to lead the crowd in a stadium-wide reenactment of their infamous Coldplay concert “kiss-cam” dodge.

March 9: Responding to a newly released photo from the Epstein Files depicting him with Bill Clinton, Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein all in various states of undress and with bodies intertwined, President Trump issues a post on Truth Social demanding that, quote, “Strip Twister is a Democratic Hoax.”

March 30: Having resolved the heated “man vs bear” controversy in favor of the bear, American women move on to debate new competing pairings, including “man vs rabid lemur,” “man vs ChatGPT” and “man vs. drunken raccoon.”

April 5: President Trump continues his re-naming spree, announcing via Executive Order that henceforth the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore and the Declaration of Independence will be known respectively as “the Trump Canyon,” “Mt. Trumpmore” and “the Declaration of Trumpdependence,” then, after glancing at the Vice President, adds, “and while we’re at it, let’s also change ‘JD Vance’ to ‘JD Trump.’”

April 29: In an effort to update the papacy with a more festive, “American” flair, Chicago-born Pope Leo begins opening all addresses from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica by firing a T-shirt cannon into the crowd.

May 2: At the conclusion of the Kentucky Derby, Donald Trump unexpectedly strides onto the track where Secret Service agents drag off the winning jockey, lift the President into the saddle and convey him into the Winner’s Circle where he waves to the crowd and accepts the traditional winner’s garland of roses.

June 16: The LA Dodgers’ Shohei Ohtani hits two home runs while pitching a shutout in the same game and then later in the day scores a hat trick in the Japanese national team’s World Cup soccer match.

June 23: After a hard-fought seven-game series that many observers rate as the greatest Stanley Cup finals in NHL history, the series MVP trophy is awarded to Donald Trump.

July 7: In an effort to quell continued outrage over the administration’s failure to release the full unredacted Epstein files, President Trump announces he will direct Attorney General Pam Bondi to make public all government information relating to who shot J.R.

July 26: Donald Trump rails against “Sleepy Joe Biden,” “fake news CNN” and “the stolen 2020 election” in his speech accepting his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

August 3: The widely reported “bromance” between New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani and President Trump shows no signs of abating, as immediately following another high-level meeting the two issue a joint statement indicating that after leaving office they plan to open up a “cozy” Vermont B&B together.

August 31: Famously AI-generated “actress” Tilly Norwood abruptly quits her career in show business after announcing that, quote, “Hollywood is just too full of phonies.”

September 6: Allegations that Ghislaine Maxwell is receiving special treatment resurface when Jeff Bezos announces that the convicted Jeffrey Epstein co-conspirator will be joining the crew of the next Blue Origin space flight.

October 17: As the affordability crisis grows, even the nation’s middle schoolers are affected, compelled to abandon their cries of “six-seven” in favor of the much less satisfying “four-five.”

October 28: Vice President JD Vance announces that in addition to his duties within the administration he will be taking on the role of spokesman for Maybelline’s eyeliner collection.

November 19: Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reports that he once again brought together 800 senior armed forces officers from around the globe for a meeting at the Marine Corps Base in Quantico, Virginia in order to, quote, “show them my bitchin’ new tattoo of an eagle with a flamethrower.”

December 31: Just before midnight, President Donald Trump interrupts the “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” celebration in Times Square so that host Ryan Seacrest can awkwardly present him with a trophy labeled the “Nobell Piece Prize Gratest Genious of All Time” Award.