These questions originally were asked on Quora. Please join us here or there.
My ex-boyfriend is so crazy and I was with him for 5 years and I feel like he changed me inside. Could this mean that he made me crazy too? I can't even focus or think anymore.
I responded:
You are noticing something that many people are not completely aware of all the time.
Every relationship causes us to grow or shrink. People in our families. People in our workplaces. People in our community. It is inevitable.
But it is inescapable. We are not able to live within society without changing according to our circumstances and the people we choose to surround ourselves with.
Here is the good news. You may have changed while you were in a relationship with this person; but you can also choose.
You can choose who you will be today. You can choose to find someone to talk to about what happened while you were with this person. You can decide for yourself how much you are going to allow your past to determine what you do today.
You cannot go back. But you can go forward and allow this relationship to become a driving force in your life to do better as a person and make better choices.
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Then a question about loyalty.
I have a crush on one of my guy BSF and he flirts with me all the time and shows he cares about me, but when someone says we would make a good couple he says no. What should I do?
My response:
It sounds as if you may need to accept the BSF’s decision to not pursue a relationship with you.
You may be crossing a boundary that some men still hold. We do not play with our friends’ or relatives' partners.
It also sounds as if you may have some misgivings about your current relationship. Why else would you be flirting?
Personally, unless you want to lose your current relationship, I would advise you to be conscious of the fact that even if your current partner is not calling you on your flirtations; he is likely noticing it. And factoring it into decisions he makes about the potential for a future with him.
Flirtations and concerns for another person are not necessarily a basis for any kind of permanent relationship or even a temporary one.
By flirting with this other guy who is one of your partner’s best friends, you are either consciously or subconsciously communicating that you do not take your current relationship all that seriously. And, that could result in your partner treating you in a similar way. Even if that is not what you want.
What do you think you should do?
Just one more today.
My girlfriend wears short dresses and I don't like it. Should I break up with her?
My response:
I do not think that is a reason to break up with someone.
In fact, you would be better off asking yourself why you do not like it. If you do not like it because you are concerned that she will be attractive to other men in short skirts; you need to allow her to do as she chooses.
If you do not like it because you think that she does not look all that good in a short skirt; again, you need to allow her to do as she chooses.
Communicating how you feel honestly will help you to understand your motivations. And, will help to deepen your relationship with her. If that is what you want…
The fact is: you cannot control other people. You either accept them as they are or you let them be. But trying to tell someone how to dress based on your personal preferences is selfish and not conducive to intimacy.
Figure out why you do not like how she dresses and once you have that sorted; talk to her openly and honestly. Give her a chance to decide if she wants to change her wardrobe based on your feelings about it.
Please do not just break up with her because you do not like her choice of clothes at least without giving her a chance to respond to how you feel about it.
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