Glorious Mission Statement

Get ready to slam-jam your eyeballs directly into some hot-hot hoops essays.

This is a basketball column unlike any other. It will test the limits of what is possible in sports writing. It will be stupid and sometimes also smart. It will NEVER include stats or numerical analysis. It will focus on DRAMA and BEEF and VIBES. It will analyze important topics like Courtney Williams' shoes and Joe Mazzulla’s satanic rituals. It will make mean jokes about Stephen Curry’s face pubes. It will probably discuss Lebron’s gnarly feet too much. And most importantly, it will make deeply romantic word-love to the sexiest game in the world.

I am: Zee Carlstrom. Novelist and basketball enthusiast. I have no real hardcourt credentials beyond dawg-level dunk enthusiasm. You may already be aware that I wrote a literary thriller book called MAKE SURE YOU DIE SCREAMING, and if so, you may have also noticed that I stole my own title for this Substack so I could talk about what is actually important: pro basketball of both the male and female varieties.

Every Thursday, I will publish unforgettable musings on either the WNBA or the NBA (or both). In the beginning, this weekly newsletter will be FREE. At some point, it will disappear behind a paywall. When that happens, I hope you will join me on the other side of that wall. If you want, you can think of it as our special place.

To be extra clear, for your money, you will get:

• At least 52 bizarrely existential basketball essays per year.

• National-Enquirer-style gossip that will always be at least 66.6% true.

• The chance to connect with me directly through comments and Q&A sessions.

• Exclusive NBA watch parties that will happen both digitally and IRL.

This isn’t just about love. No. My obsession with basketball is one of need. Because human society is massively fucked, and I am not a natural escapist. My tendency is to dwell in the badness. The wars. The economy. The way my hair looks. And basketball is my saving grace. My happy place. It gives me something to think about that isn’t a complete and total catastrophe (unless I accidentally think about the Sixers).

This is the essential existential question at the heart of this project. If you don’t implicitly understand why I’m asking this question, then I suggest you stop reading, locate a mirror, and stare into your own eyes for a long, long time.

HELL FUCKING YES WE CAN! I want this project to foster community and to create an extremely silly and joyful space on the otherwise toxic internet. This entire thing should not be taken seriously. It is all for fun. This isn’t social media. And no matter how many times I say a rude thing about the Boston C-words, please keep in mind that I used to own a Kevin Garnett Celtics jersey when I was nine years old, and I only threw it away because I’m not nine anymore and my torso has tripled in size.

Until next time: No stats. Just truth. Dunk Screaming.