Your nervous system probably can't handle as much emotional intimacy as hers

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One of the reasons that [my ex and I] split up was that she felt I wasn’t present emotionally at times that were critical or of importance for her. Now, while we are trying to reconnect, she says she feels that I am not consistent in how present I am. I do see it, and I do feel that sometimes I do step back emotionally when I feel exhausted. She is aware of that, but still, there are times that I only catch myself in retrospect. She is worn out from it, and it has been hindering both of us. I’m not sure where the balance is.

Man, this touches somewhere deep for me. Many of the men I work with in therapy and men’s groups struggle with finding that balance. A lot of my friends do too. But your email hits hard because I’m still trying to find it myself.

This response is less advice (though there will be some) and more relating with you.

There are times when my partner so obviously wants to connect with me, but I just can’t get my nervous system to relax and open to her. She leans in for a kiss or starts telling me about something she’s annoyed about at work or dances in the kitchen while I’m making dinner. Sometimes I can respond and be present. But sometimes I’m conflicted.

Inside, part of me wants to keep focusing on what I’m doing or thinking about. While another part thinks I should give her my full attention, because that’s what she wants.

What usually happens is I sort of half pay attention to her while still trying to do or think about the other thing. The food I’m cooking. The emails I need to respond to. The work I need to get done on the house. The football game that’s about to be on. And then she usually gives some signal that she doesn’t like that. She asks, “Do you really want to be your phone right now?” Or the conversation slowly devolves into an argument. Or she walks away and texts a friend.

Then, like you, I realize in retrospect that I wasn’t present with her. I wasn’t aware that my attention was split, that I was conflicted inside. Then comes the guilt, beating myself up inside for coming up short again. Sometimes there’s shame, thinking I’m fundamentally broken somehow and will never change.

What’s helped is accepting that my nervous system—the way I’m wired—can’t handle as much connection as hers. Whether it’s being “introverted,” having an “avoidant attachment style,” or being socialized as a man. There’s only so much emotional intimacy I can take in a given moment or over the course of a day. I’m working to expand my capacity through therapy and challenging myself socially, but the wiring is deep in my body and mind.