My dad recently showed me a video on his phone of starlings flying around my parents’ house. Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? All in unison, like a shapeshifting black cloud.
We looked it up and biologists call it “murmuration,” which starlings do to protect themselves from hawks and falcons. They also tell each other about food sources and safe places to sleep.
The video took me back to last year at a soccer game in Madrid, Spain. My partner and I were sitting in the nosebleeds when fans started yelling a few sections over. Someone needed medical attention.
After what felt like minutes of chaos but was only seconds, the fans whistled together at a high pitch. Then all 70,000 fans seemed to join, aiming down at the field. The referees stopped the game until emergency personnel could take the suffering fan away on a stretcher.
I was both shocked and jealous. American sports fans could never pull that off. We’d be looking at our phones or bickering with rival fans. The refs wouldn’t hear the whistling over the stadium’s blaring corporate advertising anyway.
We’re too individualistic. Or made to be. Those of us with European roots have been forced to forget our people’s collective ways of living. We work on the first of May, for example, but our Scottish, Celtic, and Scandinavian ancestors spent it dancing around fires and being witches. Those Americans whose ancestors were kidnapped from Africa were violently cut off from their people’s ways. Same for those indigenous to this land.
But I believe we’re capable. We, being Americans. Particularly men, because this newsletter is about masculinity, but also because out of everyone, we’re probably the most propagandized into thinking we’re not supposed to need anyone or anything. We’re shamed into being emotionally detached, to being self-reliant, to avoid belonging. For a reason.
I can feel so hopeless about it sometimes—like we’re too far gone, too isolated, too anti-social. But seeing those birds and hearing that whistling made me believe we’re capable.
The core of my politics and work with therapy clients is honoring the human instinct to belong. To connect. To relate.
No matter what the billionaires and billionaire-funded politicians say about human nature being competitive, we’re truly wired to cooperate. No matter what the manfluencer grifters say about men not having emotional needs—which is a lie—we need each other to survive. No matter what some people even on “my side,” the left, say about some people being “bad,” labeling them criminals, rapists, and abusers, unworthy of redemption.
Our need to belong is the very thing that people at the top of capitalism channel to get what they want. They get seduced by the power that comes with turning people against each other, which lets them off the hook for hoarding wealth and resources. I hate to give them credit, but they’re like sorcerers of making some people think they belong by “othering” others. They encourage and amplify white supremacy and misogyny. They stoke anger and shame to keep us fighting over crumbs. They’re damn good at it.
They’ve got us men in a bind. They want us to think feminism and trans people are the reason we don’t feel like we belong. They blame “radical feminism” for everything from school shootings to rising rates of suicide by men. They ban trans girls from girls’ sports. They throw expensive combat fights on the White House lawn with jokes about Michelle Obama’s gender. They question the masculinity of political candidates who dare challenge them. They’ve introduced 804 anti-trans bills in 43 states so far this year alone.
The truth is men don’t feel like we belong right now because of them, the rich and powerful. Because of the system they orchestrate and benefit from. Because of capitalism.
The share of income going to workers versus corporate profits is at an all-time low. Union density has never been lower. AI is eating jobs. Those of us with jobs work more hours than workers in other developed countries. Americans spend more time alone and at home than ever before. Most of us are starving for emotional connection, for belonging.
Everyone who works for a living is held down by capitalism. But women have feminism, a story for why. They’ve organized movements, rewritten more accurate histories, and fought for liberation. They’ve created their own belonging against rich people’s othering. They’ve won some things and lost others, but they have an explanation for their suffering. Men don’t, which makes us particularly susceptible to lies about who we’re supposed to blame. Which is why we need to blame the right enemy if we want out of this.
It turns out that the whistling in Spain comes from bullfighting. When the bullfighter makes a mistake, the crowd whistles their disapproval. When a Spanish soccer player loses the ball, they whistle to shame them into playing better. Apparently, when a fan needs help, they whistle too.
What I’m getting at is that we’re powerful af when we join together, and we should use our power for solidarity, not shame or division. We could use it to point the finger at those with less power than us, which is what the billionaires and fascists want us to do. I like how Alison Rose Reed puts it, “The pecking order of capitalism … seeks to fracture the power of our collectivity through conditions of division and alienation.”
Each of us is capable of hate, because we’re human. We’re messy and complicated, like the Mexican soccer fans who keep chanting homophobic slurs during the World Cup, while also gifting us gorgeous moments of collective joy.
But we can choose to use our collective power to confuse our enemies and teach each other. We can be like starlings.
I’m trying a new thing, giving you one practical step to take at the end of every newsletter. If you have a few dollars to spare (I know, in this economy?!), donate to a mutual aid fund supporting trans folks, like the Socialist Trans Initiative or the Trans Safety Emergency Fund. Trans folks need solidarity all the time, but especially right now.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments (or email me: jeremy@mohler.coach)!
With warmth & solidarity,
Jeremy
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