When "Planting Seeds of Doubt" in your Trans Kid Backfires (*and why)

A parent named ECJ78 recently asked me a question I hear often:

How do I “plant seeds” with my gender-questioning child without making it obvious that I’m talking about gender?

I understand why so many parents ask this question. When your child has adopted a transgender identity, especially if they seem suddenly certain, unreachable, or immersed in online/trans peer culture, it is tempting to search for the perfect sentence, the casual comment, the indirect question, or the little “seed” that might make them stop and think differently.

But parents of particularly intelligent gender questioning kids need to be very careful.

Your child is not stupid.

If they already feel that they are being watched like a hawk, micro-managed, judged (this is a common sentiment in teenagers), or locked in a power struggle with you, they will usually sense when you are trying to steer them indirectly. What you may see as a brilliant chance to subtly comment about a seemingly unrelated topic, your kid may catch onto, and experience as a type of manipulation.

And once that happens, they will probably stop talking.

I am saying this from my perspective as a detransitioner who is now 26, but for 12 years of my life, from the ages of 12-24, I navigated my own process of gender questioning within my family dynamic. On this Substack, I reflect on what my parents did well, what they could have done better, and why. I also reflect on my own thought process about these topics over the course of those 12 years in which I learned, grew and matured for many years actively in transition. And of course, I focus a lot on how these aspects of parenting a kid through a gender crisis intersect with issues of neurodivergence.

By now, I’ve also worked with over 100 families one-on-one in a coaching capacity, whose kids find themselves in a similar situation to the one I was in. It has become clear to me that what happened in my own family when gender questioning entered the dynamic is not even remotely unique. However, it has become equally clear to me that each child and family dynamic is very unique. The unique aspects of each situation must be accounted for in making the type of individualized plan that I personally believe families often need in order to stay sane as they navigate these delicate matters most successfully- particularly as their kids grow up and enter new stages of life.

In the video for paid subscribers, I talk through why I think “planting seeds of doubt” is probably the wrong framework for parents of neurodivergent kids to think about how best to approach the the topic of their child’s trans identity, with their child. I also cover what I believe is far more important for parents to consider trying instead.

I cover why poking holes in gender ideology is exceedingly unlikely to change a trans-identifying child’s self-concept, why their age and developmental stage matter in how parents approach these topics, why neurodivergent kids or kids with above average IQs often need a very different approach, and how parents can ask better questions without turning every conversation into a debate (or without being baited into it by their teenager).

The real goal in parenting your adolescent through a gender crisis is not to ‘trick’ your child into experiencing doubt about an identity he or she has built as a disembodied thought experiment. That type of earth-shattering doubt can only come from lived experience. Instead, you will be most able to guide your child in this aspect of their identity development by becoming someone your child feels inclined to think with and to confide in. And when your child has additional needs related to their attention, or if they have a social disability like autism, in order for your approach to be successful, it must account for those things.

That means it is of the utmost importance for parents to learn how to enter their child’s inner world, to understand what they are actually trying to communicate, to set age-appropriate boundaries, and how to preserve enough trust that real conversations become possible again.

For paid subscribers, this video from my LIVE Q&A goes deeper into:

• when the strategy of “planting seeds” backfires (and why)

• which lines of questioning are actually useful in giving you the most helpful information about your kid’s mindset

• how to talk to a child whose transgender identity has become a special interest

• why the strategy of trying to overtly or covertly debate your kid out of their transgender self-concept does not work

• how to balance boundaries and relationship

• how to know when generalized advice is not enough, and when it is wise for parents to develop a more specific, individualized plan for their family.

For parents who need help in applying the concepts I discuss in this video to their own child, I also offer private coaching sessions.

Because ultimately, no two kids or two families are the same. The right approach in the case of each family will depend so much on your child’s age, temperament, developmental history, their relationship with their special interests, medical history, peer environment, and the current state of your parent-child relationship.

If you’d like to do a parent coaching session with me, to work through these complexities, you can reach out to me via my DM’s on Substack or (preferably) send me an email at: officialpeacepoet@gmail.com

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.

As always, I very much appreciate your support of my work through your paid subscriptions, your comments and your re-stacks and shares. Your support is how I am able to produce this content.

Let me know your thoughts and questions in the comments, or in the re-stacks.