Stop playing tough...

Two seemingly harmless words that said so much about my flawed mindset at one point.

I had firm boundaries and high standards, intuitively, before I even had language for them.

However, I still found myself in self-betrayal at times when I was hurt, bothered, or even angered by something someone else had done.

Whenever someone hurt me or offended me, I'd say, "No worries," and act like it didn't get to me.

Because I felt like not giving them the satisfaction was more important than unpacking how I felt about what they did.

"It’s fine" made me feel strong.

It gave unbothered, and unbothered gives IN CONTROL. I loved feeling in control.

Even when I wasn't in control, the feeling was often more than enough.

So even when I knew a boundary of mine had been crossed, or a standard was not met, I often said: "It’s fine." Then began to fade out without explanation.

I thought being impossible to rattle was the ultimate sign of emotional maturity.

But the truth was much more frustrating:

The other person would move on with their life, completely unaware that anything was wrong. Meanwhile, I was left carrying the resentment from a boundary I never expressed and a standard I never allowed them to meet.

Eventually, I had to accept that having boundaries internally is not enough.

You also need the emotional maturity to understand them, communicate them, and consciously decide what happens when they are crossed.

In today’s post, I’m sharing:

— Why “it’s fine” can become a form of self-abandonment
— The difference between emotional regulation and emotional suppression
— Why silence does not always communicate the lesson you think it does
— The four-step process I now use when someone hurts or disappoints me
— The way I decide whether to have the conversation or quietly create distance