Should you help your kid be cool?

In this deeply f*cked up world we live in, I think the most important thing I can give my son is the gift of charisma.

It’s why we say “good morning!” to every person in our path. It’s why we practice conversation making on the bus with the elderly. It’s why we provide him with affirmations like “you’re such a friendly guy” and “you’re the kind of friend anyone would want to have.” If you give Sebastian the time of day, he’ll use it to ask the best part of yours.

There is a conversation going on online right now about whether or not it’s the responsibility of a child’s parents to help them navigate popularity. Naysayers tend to think that helping your kid through the humiliation ritual that is aspiring for coolness in childhood will result in conformity. I agree to a degree! The most stylish people I know shopped secondhand out of necessity as a kid. Hot people with a great sense of humor are incredibly rare. And yet, I do think it’s our job to help our kids achieve “normal” social standing if that is something they aspire towards.

I am also, actively, working towards giving my toddler son the tools to make him cultured, interesting and educated in adulthood. I have the time and resources to help Sebastian in his lifelong journey of self-discovery and achievement. This is one of the primary benefits of sticking to a one child.

Here are some other things I think about.

Gender neutral parenting will allow for a more well rounded person.

I never thought of myself as someone who would practice gender neutral parenting. When I think of the term, I think of a lack of color— beige babies playing with wooden Montessori style toys. But the reality is my husband and I’s default parenting setting is pretty genderless. We intentionally show Sebastian movies, tv shows and books that feature female protagonists. His stuffed animal collection is about a 50/50 gender split. He helped me pick out all of his school clothes and loves when I do fashion shows with my Nuuly orders. He asks if he can wear a dress and I fashion him up a toga made of silk scarves.

Toddlers his age are figuring out what gender means and are naturally prone to categorizing things as for girls or boys. This is why we’re working to ensure Sebastian doesn’t write himself off from enjoying things like fashion, dance or playing kitchen. A man who can dance, dress himself and cook? Lethal.

Our goal is to raise a child who feels secure in his individuality, but who also doesn’t struggle to fit in with other boys if that’s his prerogative.

Which brings us to being good at sports…

My sisters and I were a trio, and so while we all tried the same sports, we were put in them simultaneously. As the eldest, this meant I was doing everything much later than them. Perhaps it wouldn’t have made any difference at all, I am simply not a natural athlete. But I do think that putting me in t-ball before softball would have helped me avoid drawing negative attention to myself. I started cheerleading in 8th grade and absolutely loved it, but most people were on their 4th or 5th year by the time I started, and thus when 9th grade tryouts happened there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d make junior varsity. I wasn’t naturally bad at it, I just didn’t have the same opportunity my peers (and my sisters) did to hone my skills before it was too late.

My husband, on the other hand, is naturally decent at most sports— so he’s taking the reins here. In order to fit in, Sebastian must have a baseline understanding of how to play basketball, soccer and baseball. I have spent hours researching the youngest age you can put kids in each of these sports (4,3,4), and while I hope to god he doesn’t love it enough to join expensive travel teams— I don’t want him to have a poor sense of self because he struggles with athletics. Which is why we are constantly practicing soccer with him.

It’s also a reality that having the ability to talk about professional sports in casual conversation is an important life skill if you’re trying to connect with other men (and sports lovers.) I want to make sure Sebastian is able to easily engage with his peers. Luckily this is on Ben who speaks the language fluently.

Being popular isn’t important, but fitting in helps kid’s anxiety.

Whether out of disinterest or disgust, my mom would very rarely buy me the brands that the popular kids were wearing. Hollister and Abercrombie were dark, smelly, expensive— and as we now know, literally created by p3dophiles!! But that didn’t stop me from desperately wanting it. Like most pre-teens, I was fixated on fitting in. I would wear hand-me-down Abercrombie polo shirts with small stains on them that I felt could pass as something that happened that day (instead of with their prior owner.) I bought an itchy teal sweater from the sale rack with all my Christmas money.

Eventually I was able to put up a good argument on behalf of the Pacsun and American Eagle sale racks— an achievement my husband sadly never accomplished— but only after a brief period of being one of the only girls in my grade without a bra. VERY Lizzie McGuire.

I missed a lot of 6th grade due to being bullied— It was bad. Eventually I had to have my schedule changed to avoid the girl who was targeting me. Prior to this, I thought we had a real shot of being friends. She was undoubtably one of the most popular girls in our grade, with immaculately straightened hair and an enviable wardrobe. Among other things, she made fun of my clothes. Specifically the frequency in which I wore the same pair of jeans. I got my first and second C that year. It is a reality is that when kids are intensely focused on social dynamics, they aren’t able to pay attention in school. I stayed home and watched TLC with my mom instead.

Up until I felt the need to dress like everyone else, I dressed really cute! I have always had a great sense of style. But middle school gets to all of us.

I don’t plan on buying Sebastian whatever he wants, but I do hope to be an enthusiastic participant ready to help him hone in on his personal style. As of now i’m not opposed to the occasional character t-shirt, and as that evolves into hype sneakers and sports jerseys i’ll be ready with chores for his hire. (I would have mopped the floor with a toothbrush for an Aeropostale Monkey sweat set in 5th grade.) We’re already putting together outfits together, and I just know he’s going to be the best dressed guy at school. I just hope he doesn’t put too much focus on logos and brands over substance.

Cool will mean different things as they progress through life.

As an adult, it’s clear as day that there is nothing cooler than having a unique point of view. Exposing my son to as many things as possible will undoubtably help him discover the parts of himself that he wants to nurture.

As of now, Sebastian loves soccer (thanks to having a European nanny), loves making up dances (thanks to me) and he loves the Egyptian wing at the Met. I signed him up for hiphop dance, soccer and nature art for the Fall. If he makes it into adulthood with charisma, rhythm, base-level athleticism and style, he will be unstoppable. But I will buy him the “right” jeans if it means he won’t be hyper-fixated on having the wrong ones.

Anyways, back to us.

ALWAYS: make your necessary + undone appointments.

ALWAYS: workout 3x per week and do your night time skincare routine daily.

• Journal daily (I got a self care journal, so.)

• Sign your kid up for their fall activities, officially.

• Clean your bras~ give them the spa treatment.

• Make the return (why did I buy Skim’s yoga pants without trying them on?)

• Cook a farmer’s market (or equivalent) dinner to feed your superiority complex.

• Start & finish a new book.

• Start your Fall vision Pinterest board

• Find a body of water and play with your kid in it.

SMARTER: What can you do to get smarter? What books can you read or magazines should you have subscriptions for? What podcasts do you listen to?

• I listened to a truly excellent podcast episode called “The Culture War Against Women” on Emma Grede’s podcast, featuring Reshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code and Moms First. The dichotomy of Emma’s advice on how to succeed within society’s confines and Reshma’s unfiltered plea for women to wake the f*ck up and unite was truly exhilarating. I recommend the listen.

• I read Return of The Simps, a story about incels who rescued teenagers from a violent webcam pimp.

• Finished two books! SCORE on Audio and Last Night in Brooklyn in Hardcover.

HOTTER: What beauty treatments have you wanted to try? How can you switch up your fitness routine to give you the definition you’re looking for? Are you drinking enough water?

• Joined Equinox and worked out FOUR times last week! This is a record I haven’t hit since Peloton in the heat of lockdown. It didn’t occur to me until after I had already accomplished it.

• Got new jeans from the Gap + I’ve never looked better.

• French maniiii

• Started taking vitamins for real since I got recommended a gummy kind and can’t handle pills.

INTERESTING: Do you have hobbies other than scrolling on your phone? Have you looked up what fun things are happening where you live this weekend? Are you trying new foods or activities? Maybe you can start creating content?

• Sebastian, Ben + myself went to go see the Botero pieces on view at Sotheby’s on Madison Avenue. Lately i’ve been obsessed with this artist, ever since visiting his home city of Medellin.

• I took my BFF to see The Winter’s Tale (Shakespeare in the Park) starring Raphael Barba and young Blake Lively from It Ends With Us. It was actually amazing and I STRONGLY recommend.

MOM: What kind of mom do you want to be?

I officially booked our dance (hiphop!) and soccer classes for Fall!

As always, would love to hear how you’re becoming the mom you want to be.

xo

Mackenzie