Stop hiding from me Zach @ Substack

Well, I am famous now, guys. There are over 500 of you. And not to say that I do not love each and every single one of you as much as the next, but there is one person I have been trying to catch the attention of this entire time I have been writing this blog. Think of the countless hours I have poured into this website, curating everything about my digital and online presence to make this one person like me.

Trust me.

Respect me.

And here I am, two years later, no closer to getting his attention. They always told me it was lonely at the top. They never mentioned it’s because Zack @ Substack has a vendetta out against you.

That part I had to find out all on my own.

Record scratch. You might be asking how we got here. We will get there, dear reader, don’t you worry. Let me walk you through it. It all started back in November of 2025.

Being the extremely tech-savvy, creative, ahead-of-the-curve, girlbossing geniuses you know as us here, Danielle and I decided one day that we were simply too hot to sit behind our words on the internet. We wanted to do what every white man in America has tried and failed to do. We decided to start a podcast.

Because in it we discussed very public and serious matters pertaining to our friend group, we put it unlisted online for only one viewer to see. Our first episode was loved by all who saw it, and they begged us for another. Unfortunately, Danielle and I had both been having romantic issues by the time we went to record the second episode.

To be clear, upon editing: with other people. We were never lovers. It would never work.

But because the show must go on — the strenuous demands of showbiz, the glitz, the glam, the fame, all of that — we recorded anyway. We just sounded really, really, really sad.

A couple of months later, Zack @ Substack, after seeing Danielle and I jump on a trend (like he did when we jumped on Substack), decided to start podcasting. He posted asking why people stopped podcasting. I commented, honestly, and told him that we stopped because we sounded really sad in ours. He emailed us wanting to find out more!

I — being a super serious businesswoman who inbox-zeros her email every single day no matter how crazy — replied and told him of course we would love to talk more, and suggested a common meeting place: the Tonga Room at the Fairmont Hotel. I would like to note that he did not suggest any place for us to meet, so I am doing literally all of the work here.

He very rudely! leaves me on read.

I even invite him to my birthday party. Left on read.

Sidebar: there is a theory that maybe he is like Leonardo DiCaprio and does not support women over the age of 25.

Disclaimer! To be abundantly clear, because I do not want a restraining order over this: this is mostly satire. (But maybe even the part about it being satire is satire, and then where are we?)

Don’t worry Zack, you are safe!

Anyway, it is at this point that I decide the only logical explanation is that he is planning to throw me a surprise birthday party. Because he could not be that cruel. He would never be that cruel.

I have been waiting. It has been since November. It is now July. My next birthday might arrive before this party does, and honestly? That would really surprise me. He is really, really good at this game.

He also does not like any of the notes I post about this saga — lighthearted jokes about the surprise birthday party I am still waiting on — but many of the other Substack staff will repost them and tag him underneath, which I very much appreciate.

Some more people who reposted this one…

and then a random woman from Spain who I guess who seemed to agree with the idea philosophically.

As someone who cannot vote in this country, it makes me feel so heard when people help empower and uplift my voice. For example: by tagging Zack at Substack in the comment section of this post, reposting it, asking him when my surprise birthday party is, and reminding him that he can probably get it reimbursed through the Substack team, because they are all clearly really invested.

Also, we will literally tell him about our podcast, AND record a new episode featuring him where we talk about how much we like Substack’s podcasting feature. They could have another Call Her Daddy on their hands.

They are one surprise birthday party away from fame and fortune. Mr Substack (Chris Best) is going to be VERY upset with you Zach when he finds out that you fumbled this great opportunity.

• going to alcatraz with zack @ substack

• him adding a photo of danielle and me to his cubicle in substack hq

• a half-birthday party, that is half the size, and half as cool as a regular party would be

• going to the tonga room with us, without it being birthday-themed

  • note: please bring ben cohen if this is the case, we like him too

  • and his wife, who has a cool blog about milf manor that we need to discuss further (ben cohen’s wife — i do not know if zack @ substack has a wife, but i doubt it, because she would have made him throw me a party by now. women are thoughtful.)

• him publishing an article called “stop hiding from me, mackenzie at mackenzie’s substack”

• substack hq throwing us a surprise birthday party

• disneyland with zack @ substack

• something he loves and could never replace, donated to danielle and me as a gesture of good faith

• him getting two inches shorter, either by choice or by a miraculous act of god, to compensate for the lack of party

Do any of you know Zack @ Substack? Can you put me in contact? What is the point of having 500 of you here if none of you can get me in contact with Zack at Substack, dude. It is okay if not because instead you can just leave a comment or like to sign the petition below.

And Zack, if you are reading this and I know you are, the Substack analytics dashboard is very good, your team built it, I want you to know there are no hard feelings. I understand that planning a surprise party of this magnitude takes time. Eight months, apparently. Nine, soon.

RE: The Subsidized Surprise Birthday Party of Mackenzie (of Mackenzie’s Substack)

We, the undersigned People of Substack — writers, readers, lurkers, people who signed up once to read a single paywalled article and never left — do hereby petition Zack @ Substack for the immediate provision of one (1) surprise birthday party, subsidized in full or in part by Substack Inc., for Mackenzie, a valued member of this platform’s economy who has never once been paid by it.

WHEREAS Mackenzie has produced two years of free content for this platform, driving engagement, culture, and at least four new subscriptions (unverified);

WHEREAS she extended a good-faith invitation to the Tonga Room at the Fairmont Hotel, doing literally all of the work, and was very rudely! left on read;

WHEREAS she was subsequently left on read a second time regarding her actual birthday party, which legal scholars agree is worse;

WHEREAS the only remaining logical explanation for eight consecutive months of silence is an elaborate surprise party currently in the planning stages, and this petition merely seeks to formalize an initiative Zack has clearly already begun;

WHEREAS the party is almost certainly reimbursable as a marketing expense, community investment, or, at minimum, a legal settlement;

WHEREAS the People of Substack deserve nice things, and this is one of them;

NOW, THEREFORE, we the undersigned demand:

1. One (1) surprise birthday party, at the Tonga Room or a venue of equal or greater tropical-themed value;

2. Attendance by Zack @ Substack, Ben Cohen, and Ben Cohen’s wife (of milf manor blog acclaim);

3. That the element of surprise be preserved, despite this petition, which Mackenzie promises to forget reading;

4. Failing all of the above: the two inches.

TO SIGN: leave a comment. a like also counts. restacking this and tagging Zack counts as three signatures.

Signed, The People of Substack.