Loneliness

Isn’t it funny that we can be among a group of friends dining at a nice restaurant and feel so alone? Experts say we need community and quality relationships, yet we can feel alone in a world full of people.

According to the World Health Organization, one in six people in the world’s population experience loneliness. But some global polling indicates that 33 percent of adults face loneliness.

In my Dark Sides series I explore loneliness with one of the main characters throughout the series, and highlighting in my novella in the series, Move Me. I’m not an expert on the topic but Kim Kurtz is. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, she thinks loneliness is at an epidemic level.

“I see a lot of patients who are lonely, and it’s gotten worse with technology,” she said. “With technology we’re all connected but not really.”

While Kurtz says loneliness is caused by a number of things, it’s inherent in our society.

“We’re very independent individuals, so we celebrate independence and success without emphasizing relationships,” she said. “We don’t emphasize community and relationships, so that lends itself to loneliness. It’s what we learn.”

What can we do about it? Well, according to Kurtz, five things are foundational for mental health:

1. Adequate sleep

2. Good nutrition

3. Physical exercise

4. Community

5. Meaningful spiritual practice

“Those things are like water,” Kurtz said. “They’re very necessary. If just one of those pieces is missing we suffer.”

Kurtz also mentions the importance of having a sense of belonging, of being valued by others in meaningful relationships.

“Mattering is important. We need to feel that we matter, which can tie into relationships and not relating well,” she said. “Being different can make you feel lonely, too. Where do I belong, we ask. I don’t belong. It’s isolating. You feel like I’m the weird one. I don’t fit in. There isn’t any cure for loneliness other than connecting with other people.”

It’s this awareness of self and what’s driving the feelings of being alone in the world that is the crux of my Move Me character, Cassie Butler. As a child she didn’t have respect or the feeling of being cherished by her parents. When they die, her grandmother takes her in but also doesn’t value Cassie for who she really is. It leaves her with a strong sense of always being on the outside looking in where people are relating, but not with her. It leaves an ache in her gut, longing to be loved and accepted, and she acts it out as the villain in the three books in my Dark Sides series. In Move Me, her aloneness confronts her, forcing her to learn the way out or sink deeper.

Here’s an excerpt:

“You don’t know me, Zane. Not really.”

“I know a lot. We’ve been dating for more than a month.” He slanted his head and his eyes widened. “Is this the it’s-not-you-it’s-me speech?”

She shook her head in response. Hurting him was the last thing she wanted to do. But he was a cop, after all. A detective, for Christ’s sake. He’d surely soon learn about her dark past. He followed the law, and she broke it. Keeping her secrets from him was getting harder and harder. Her instincts warned to get out, get away while she could, before something worse happened. That being, Zane learning who she really was. She couldn’t stomach yet another person’s disdain for her.

Zane’s eyes clouded. “That’s all you’ve got, a shake of your head? I thought we were, I don’t know, maybe having a good thing. Did I say something wrong, do something wrong? I can fix it.” He ran his fingers gently down her cheek. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Her heart clenching, she cupped his hand in hers. “It’s nothing like that. I just.” Her words stumbled before she could form them.

“I get it. You and me, we’re different. I’m just a cop, you’re a city administrator. I’m laid back. You’re a live-wire. It’s just not working for you.” He sighed.

Cassie bit her lip. So many words, sentences, paragraphs threatened to spill out. All the things she’d done that he wouldn’t approve of, and he’d be out the door quick enough. But she couldn’t, she just couldn’t be that candid. She’d be left lying on the floor like a rag, and he would step on her on his way out.

He let out another long breath in her silence, and stood looking down at her. “It’s been great getting to know you, even a little bit. Maybe another time or another place it would work out. I wish you all the dreams of your heart.” He made a little smacking noise with his lips, then headed out the door without a backward glance.

Cassie ran to the open door and slowly closed it. Turning around, she leaned against it, listening to Zane drive away. Slowly she slipped down the door and rested on the floor. The silence in the air hung around heavily. What else could she have done? Keep up her charade until it exploded around them both?

No. That wouldn’t be fair to Zane. He deserved to have a love that was genuine and based on truth. That was most definitely not her.

She huddled on the floor, shivering. Had she actually believed she could find love that lasts a lifetime? After all she’d done?

She laughed so hard tears brimmed and spilled down her cheeks.

You can reach Kim Kurtz on her website

https://indesigncounseling.com/

. She also recommends two books for addressing loneliness: Together by Vivek H. Murthy, MD, and Mattering, by Breheny Wallace.

It seems so simple to abate loneliness by just reaching out to others, but even connecting with community can be a challenge. Together, though, we can be the soft place to land.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this topic.

You can find links to Move Me and the Dark Sides trilogy at

https://lynn-crandall.com/