Finding Yourself

I’ve wanted to know for a long time when it would happen that I would really feel like a writer.

I started writing as a career right after reading On Becoming a Novelist by John Gardner. The contents of that book resonated so strongly with me I couldn’t deny it. I started out low-key, volunteering for not-for-profit groups, writing articles and ad copy, but all the while aiming for writing books. My writing originated in my heart and that was what kept me going as I built a file of writing clips and increased my writing experiences.

But during those times, I questioned myself constantly. When my writing persuaded larger clients to give me assignments, I was thrilled. The topics of the assignments were exhilarating and I got opportunities to interview truly amazing individuals. But all the while, I would moan to my husband, why am I doing this? Anxiety and self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud plagued me. I’ve written about this and spoken on it many times.

My first full-time writing job was at a newspaper. I had the writing and interviewing skills but that didn’t stop the anxiety from striking. Still, passion propelled me to persevere, even though I was hiding what I believed was my lack of authority. Who was I to sit in on important meetings and talk to mayors or university presidents? At one point in my career I narrowed focus on writing novels, but even after publishing through reputable publishers the self-doubt persisted. I couldn’t count how many days I spent considering quitting writing. I came to accept that it was just going to be a part of me to self-doubt and suffer.

As I was doing what I loved, I was grateful and hadn’t expected writing would become just as much about personal growth as anything else. While I was writing for the love of it and what it enabled me to give to others, writing was giving me the gift of who I really was, leading me to try hard things, accept support from others, and dare to trust myself. To use a buzz word, my authentic self began to emerge.

My personal boundaries shifted. I redefined what I stood for and what I was willing to say and do. I grew confident in my voice, my values, my choices. And in so doing, created a life I truly wanted, with people who were meaningful to me.

I can’t say I have completely set aside anxiety and fear of being discovered as a fraud. But those are just shadows. They don’t hold the car keys to my life. I’m so grateful to what writing has given me, but the possibility of growth and expansion can come from anywhere, any experience I believe. Life is always there offering opportunities to choose to help ourselves and to help others.

I certainly don’t have all the answers to right living. I can only share my experiences. But just the other day I noticed I no longer ask the question, Am I a writer? The question is irrelevant and I’m not looking for exterior acknowledgement. I simply write.

This change in me is not unique. Women (and men) everywhere are learning more about themselves and what they value. They are finding themselves in their choices and taking on outdated beliefs about who they are, who they want to be, what they are “allowed” to do and say. They turn inward for authority, learning they have always had what it takes to create a meaningful life expressing their values, and in that way making the world a better place.

I’d love to learn about your stories of claiming your life.