want to trade friendship bracelets?

Last Christmas was fucking awful.

I spent a solid hour sitting out in the snow. I shivered, staring at my frostbitten hands after an argument with my father. Somehow, the day ended up getting worse.

That Christmas haunted the two-week period I spent at home, holed up in my childhood bedroom and feeling sorry for myself. During that winter break, I made over 150 friendship bracelets to hand out at concerts.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about that Christmas, how I’m so, so sick of feeling like I’m physically and emotionally stuck in a place that I’ve outgrown but everybody else is happily comfortable in.

I once again find myself making friendship bracelets mindlessly to pass the time. Perhaps it’s because I find comfort in passing the time until something better, something more exciting than this, comes along. Because that means there’s something at least better than this.

I included the photo above in a previous post where I briefly discussed friendship bracelets titled “mediations on belonging.” Upon looking back at the post, I want to renegotiate the meaning of friendship bracelets from what I had previously stated before.

While writing about friendship bracelets, I focused on what getting these bracelets meant to me, to be offered some form of kindness when stuck in habits of cruelty. When writing that post, I had been in a place in my life where I felt justifiably stable in knowing there was certain love in my life.

Friendship bracelets, or as some people refer to it “Kandi”, have been around for years but only really had a resurgence thanks to fans bringing it back for the Taylor Swift Eras Tour. I would also argue that the resurgence has its roots in the K-Pop tradition of “freebies,” or small gifts that fans gift to each other like photocards or keychains.

For me, friendship bracelets have helped me socialize easily at concerts. They give me an excuse for talking with people in the one space where I actually feel safe. Concerts have become places of connection and community for me, and the trading of friendship bracelets have helped me understand that to a more meaningful degree.

Handing out bracelets and receiving them are two sides of the same empathetic coin. Creating the bracelets, on the other hand, is arguably a separate process.

I can’t count how many people I’ve taught to make friendship bracelets. It’s not a complicated process, but offering a source of support is more than enough to help someone get started.

I’ve helped people with friendship bracelets in places ranging from the comfort my bedroom to the cold concrete outside a Minnesota concert venue. Always, there’s a sprawl of my bracelets supplies between me and the people I’m creating the bracelets with.

I told my new therapist that it’s easier for me to kinder to other people than to myself. She asked me why. I told her that I didn’t believe I deserved that same kindness, but more truthfully, I meant that I don’t like who I am and my life enough to unlearn that.

On that plush green couch, I fiddled with the My Chemical Romance bracelets around my wrist, pressing a finger to the blunt end of the dagger charm dangling off a black and red bracelet. I thought about the joy I had felt at that concert, singing along to my favorite songs with one of my best friends, and how dismal I felt returning to my empty life at college after.

What do you do when you realize you’re no longer having fun but have nowhere else to go?

I get depressed when I’m bored. I wish I could learn how to just enjoy a quiet weekend without driving myself mad at the thought that I’m somehow not doing enough. I wish I could fall out of love with that feeling of urgency pressing down on my chest, urging me to go, go, go.

Making bracelets wards off that sensation for a moment. Having something to do with my hands—having a fixed intentionality around what I’m doing—gives me a stronger sense of purpose. I make bracelets when I’m watching TV shows and sometimes even invite friends over to make them with me while we catch up.

I may be just passing the time until something better comes along, but at least, I know that I’m ready for the better days ahead. These bracelets will pile up in my room and keep me company as we wait to find a new home soon.