I WILL BE CHILL

Saturday

“I am a really chill person.” I tell my boyfriend. He looks at me and has learned that the best response is to say nothing. The truth is, I am not a chill person, I just hope that the more I say it the more it might just become true. “Ok, no, but seriously, do you think it’s possible to become a relaxed person? If you try hard enough?” I raise my eyebrows and await his answer expectantly.

“No,” he says truthfully, without a second thought.

His honesty, however, did not put me off.

It must be possible. To turn me from an anxious and occasionally irritable person into a laid-back and care-free girl, hair blowing in the wind and dressed in flowing, paisley printed dresses like the models from Free People. With all those celebrity podcasters and mag articles going on and on about how everything is a state of mind, we just have to hack into changing our mindsets, blah blah, it MUST be possible. My weakness is I will believe anything a celebrity podcaster offers me by way of advice.

“Well, I’m going to try to become one. I just need to tell myself that I will not lose my chill when I start to feel that I am, in fact, losing my chill. Easy. I just have to force myself to be relaxed in situations that make me uncomfortable. It’s going to be like immersion therapy!”

Yes. Yes. That’s it. Surely one can immerse themselves in THE CHILL? It’s like learning a language! Expose yourself to it enough and you’re sure to have picked something up. And I’m hugely motivated by the fact I’m gonna love myself so much as a chilled person. Me, but chiller? That’s something to vibe with.

Chill level: 100%

Sunday night

It’s decided: I am now a chill person. This will be the week I will prove to myself that a relaxed-personality can indeed be summoned with the appropriate amount of mental strength. Today was a test and I passed. I burned my sweet potato chips. Hah! Who cares! My pup bathed in swamp water. So what? She’s a dog. Let dogs be dogs, and let Lucies be chill and all that.

Chill level: 95%

Monday

Train to work delayed by 30+ minutes. It’s ok. I can get money back for that. Silver linings. Work is understanding about it. This is the UK, we are all used to delays and strikes by now. So I will not let it affect my chill (much).

Chill level: 90%

Wednesday

Eight month old puppy has recently learned to scratch at bedroom door and KEEPS DOING IT at four in the morning. This is my third night in a row of patchy sleep. Learning I don’t function well without a minimum of 90 minutes of REM sleep per night. Lack of sleep making me consider a sleep tracker so I can prove to my boyfriend that I am definitely not getting enough of it.

Chill level: 75%

Thursday

A fairly good day at work. Everything goes smoothly. Meet a friend for dinner after. Order pasta dish. Pasta comes with cheese. Pretty sure I said no cheese - I am allergic after all. Explain the situation to waiter who says “no problem! We will redo it and bring it out to you asap.” Non-murderous-cheese-free-pasta now arrives. Friend and I eat, all good. Bill comes. Charged for two pastas. We think there has been a mistake. No. “We are pretty sure you messed up your order, our server doesn’t remember you saying no cheese so you need to pay for both.” Could’ve told me that when I sent the first back. Would have taken home the wrong order in a doggy bag for my boyfriend to eat seeing as I’m having to pay for BOTH. Frustrated, but there are bigger problems in the world than my allergy to cheese so I concede and pay.

Lucie’s chill level: 65%

Friday

Have very important, slightly difficult call to present. Eight month old puppy in a weird mood. Keeps barking every time I talk on the call. Losing train of thought and it’s becoming obvious I am distracted. Get off the call and can feel both my level of chill and sense of professionalism evaporating from my body. No. NO. I will not let this ruin my chill.

Decide to go for a lunchtime walk to calm down crazy puppy (and myself). All going well. Suddenly, an elderly lady on a walk with her two granddaughters falls over, flat on her face. The fall looks VIOLENT. Like she was flying like superman before she was dropped horizontally slap bang onto the grey pavement. I instantly rush closer to see if they need help, only my puppy is seriously spooked and starts barking non-stop at innocent, injured grandma. The situation just keeps getting worse, as pup is frozen in place barking and refusing to move, while this poor old lady is still lying on her front in shock. Thankfully, a man in his shiny-grey-haired-armour comes to the rescue. I manage to distract pup and drag her away, but by this point I’m as stressed as she is.

Repeat after me. I will NOT lose my chill. I will NOT lose my chill. Three times lucky: I will NOT lose my chill.

Chill level: 50%

Saturday

Boyfriend makes a grievous error by telling me of TWO friends who have got engaged after six months with their respective other halves, while I remain in a three-plus-years committed but ENGAGEMENT-RING-LESS relationship. That’s it. This is not my week. Eyes start BAWLING. Can’t stop it. Streaming tears and gobby gulping back snot continue as boyfriend looks on traumatised. Any chance of an unexpected-possibly-impending proposal of my own is inevitably delayed by at least twelve more weeks while boyfriend has time to assess whether I am stable enough to be a wife. At this point, I too have doubts as to whether I am or not.

Chill level: 0%. Lucie is crying. It is all too much. Discovers puppy reacts badly to human-wailing and now won’t come near her. More crying. At this point, the only option is to sleep it off. Does it count that I’m at least chill in my sleep? It’s my happy place.

Sunday

I get my period. Everything makes sense now. Will try my second attempt at “the world will not steal my chill” in seven days time.

Chill level: Pending.

PS. I still have no editor so if you saw the glaring error I only just edited out after sending, no you didn’t.