Hey you,
I need to stop getting so excited about boys.
Those words have swirled around my brain a million times but this week it was nice to hear them coming from someone else. Amelia, a 25-year-old who flew to Sweden to visit a holiday romance, posted a TikTok about how Mr Tall (I assume), Blonde (I assume again) Swede did not live up to expectations. I can relate. I had a few crying sessions last week.
I fell for a man who fell for me who then fell off a cliff. We had engaged in 3-hour texting marathons in the days leading up to our first date. He had repeatedly said he’s a man of his word and that he was going to ‘date me so hard.’ He even took a love-struck, cheek-flushed photo of us on our date because he wanted to record the moment, despite not being a ‘photo guy.’ If someone said and did all those things to you, wouldn’t you also believe them?
When he first pulled back on texting after the date, common sense crept in. We needed to calm down a bit. When he left my messages unread for days, dread started bubbling. When it became clear I was never going to hear from him again, I broke. I was sad it wasn’t going to be him and I was exhausted that it had happened to me again.
I’m fully aware of my part in this situation. I invested too fast. I filled in the blanks of what our life could be together before we even got together. I ignored all the advice to keep swiping and setting up dates, even when it came from my trusted brother-in-law.
But it’s genuinely baffling to me that people behave in this way, diving headfirst into the girlfriend experience and then suddenly opting out. It’s especially frustrating that he was the one driving the intensity. I look back at our early messages and there I am, fighting his smooth-talking words, questioning his intentions, even asking him directly if he was in his fuck boy era. I was reassured on every front.
The good news is that my hormones have since stabilised — damn you luteal phase — and I’ve found solidarity on the internet. Fellow single girls are posting its-funny-now stories of their bait and switch experiences. Elise showed us the wine bottle a man had saved from their second date and transformed into a vase of plants. He gave it to her as a gift and then ghosted her the next day. Cadre danced in her kitchen wearing the earrings a date had gifted her, earrings that had previously belonged to his dead grandmother! He gave her a literal family heirloom and then disappeared. Makes me feel a bit less cuckoo for at least only being given a photo.
On top of the entertaining videos, I’ve also consumed a lot from armchair experts. It’s comforting, helpful and a little dangerous. Simply engage with one video about attachment styles and suddenly your entire feed becomes a never-ending well of relationship content. As the New York Times put it, the algorithm can trap you in a state of rumination, akin to repeatedly ripping off a scab under the guise of it being a salve.
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The answer is obvious. I need to stop putting my 40-year-old eggs in one basket. No more hot-and-heavy texting sessions. And above all else, I need to kibosh future-looking statements. I don’t want a ‘I’ve figured out the next place I’m going to take you’ text, just take me there. I reject ‘I think we’ve got great potential’ proclamations, just show up consistently. And don’t you dare tell me you ‘know how things work in a functional adult relationship’, because that’ll immediately make me think you don’t.
I’ll never stop being the girl with great big feelings, but I need to start channeling my romantic energy into finding someone who fits, not someone who flirts and flits.
With love & other rubbish,
Candice
Of course this was a man’s idea
What’s better than a woman’s bottom? Multiple bottoms!
How American couples fight and make-up
I didn’t realise this is how they have sex
She can’t get enough of him
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
Erich Segal
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