I believe in a thing called...

Could you guess what that is? I’ll give you a hint, Robert Indiana’s most well known piece spells it out clearly for you. And that is…

There’s this negative feeling going around in which people are just so down with romantic love–Renee Zellweger style. So many are embodying that independent feeling of not needing love and it’s driving us to wall ourselves up to many good things. And not too long ago, I almost said I was over it too.

I was so down in my feels about someone, experiencing things that I hadn’t really felt since my first heartbreak. Those powerful emotions, the many what-ifs and the mourning a forever future flooded me to the type of down that you randomly tear up on a Monday at 4:44 pm on the subway. I was down with love and told my friend that I was really over it (not like me!). I felt like giving up because my experience with searching for love has been mostly cruel, hard, intense (in a bad way), and well, heartbreaking.

That’s when my friend reminded me that out of everyone she knows I gave her a reason to believe that love does exist because I’m so hopeful even through all the bad and if I stop then we, as a society, are truly not gonna make it. She was right. And here I am remembering that finding love is supposed to be all those things sometimes because in the end it will be so worth it.

If you know me, by now you know that I’m a romantic — and that, too, can get quite cheesy sometimes. Yeah, okay, I might take pictures of love in the wild every time I see a heart or the L word. But I own it. What is life without cheese? (Both literally and figuratively). I crave those feel good moments with that you want to last forever, long for a partnership that you can’t imagine anyone else to do life with, and even enjoy the cringiest social posts of friends in past lives uplifting their partners - when in actuality I’m sincerely thrilled they found their person that makes them happy. And as much as I say “love wins” as a snarky joke, it truly does hold us together and the way we’re loved and love others is pretty critical to the quality of our lives.

And if there’s one thing about me, I’m really optimistic about finding love. And let me tell you, when everyone is always so down with it–it can get so exhausting being the only one who looks on the bright side trying to remind everyone that it’s one of the best things to experience and they do very much deserve it too. So my friend reminded me I was doing the thing I’m annoyed with most amongst all my friends, singles, and daters everywhere–giving up on believing in love. Woof. She got me.

Today, we opt out on romantic love too easily and quickly. We cut things loose before getting to know someone at their core, we make irrational decisions pinpointing why things won’t work out vs looking at the good, we somehow feel like we’re not enough and self-sabotage to reason with ourselves, and/or we’re fearful that we’ve found something so wonderful that it scares us.

The reason why so many of us think in the negatives for something so great is something I will never understand– the way my brain thinks is the complete opposite. It simply doesn’t compute! Like for real guys, finding a love that scares you is one of the most incredible feelings and something we should all strive for because there’s a very real possibility it can work out. Even avoidant attachments want love (facts!) but they’re afraid of getting hurt so they essentially hurt themselves by turning off the emotions, and by extension, they hurt their partner before it hurts them.

So, sure it’s a risk, but wouldn’t you want to live life knowing that you tried? And to love means to stay even through the fear and bad. Life could be incredible but for some reason we’re stuck in the negatives.

And that’s where I want to have a word with whomever first said “we don’t deserve nice things.” Because you, my dear, are so deserving of all the nice things that come your way. Those things don’t need to be objects, they could be feelings–and that feeling definitely includes love. If you’re thinking otherwise, it takes loving yourself a little bit more to realize you’re worthy and deserve the absolute best. And before you love someone else, it does take loving yourself too.

Jay Shetty once said “loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves, not more in love with you.” A partner-in-crime for being better going both ways–goals, amirite? Doubling up on love seems like a big win in itself for both you and your partner…it’s maybe even the most healthiest form! But what is healthy love? It’s about knowing what you want and whether you’re willing to accept what you receive. Do you know what they’re like when they’re having a bad day? How do they handle that and show up for you? Do you respect their values? Are you committed to help them achieve their goals and vice versa? These are also nice things…but this the baseline besides all the cute things and fuzzy feelings I probably mentioned in the first paragraph.

While finding love takes time, finding the love you deserve takes longer. And the weird thing about it it is, it’s possible to find a love so deep and deserving over a long timespan or in an instant once you think you’ve hit a jackpot. You can both get to know someone over a longer period of time as easily as experiencing a lot more with the right person in a short time. It’s about how much you let in and let out with one another and not being afraid to be yourself. Trust me, I know wearing your heart on your sleeve could be scary, but remember you’re saying the things you feel (while could be cheesy, it’s gouda for you too) it’s being true to yourself and letting those whom you care for know. Being genuine is a lost art. Try it some time.

Alright, Pat Benetar is right, love is a [fuckin’] battlefield. The search and the journey is hard, but don’t give up hope. Love wins, remember?

Love always,

c

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