my rejected part

When she comes out she drowns out all others, creating the illusion that she’s the only one who exists. When she demands attention, her pain is the center of the universe. Wielding the frenzy of a child’s tantrum and the depth of emotional distraught that an adolescent girl knows all too well.

She’s terrified of rejection, and copes by inflicting pain upon herself. For if she mastered self-inflicted pain, that caused by another would pale in comparison.

Cruel insults. Annoying. Ugly. Stupid. Clumsy. Ditzy. Cowardly. Embarrassing.

Unlovable.

She beat herself into submission, into someone she thought was worthy of love. However, time and time again her true self spilled out of the box she desperately forced herself into.

.

I thought in order to manage her on my own I had to stomp her out like an ember, or smother her with a blanket of unconditional love. I thought I needed another to save me, a close friend or lover, who would come up with exactly the right words to soothe her agony.

Oddly, though, I needed to talk to her. Grieve with her. Acknowledge the pain that she causes me, and empathize with her circumstance.

.

She still exists, and always will. She is a part of me after all. But her thunderous fury is replaced with a still, somber burn.