There is lots of practical advice available for parents getting teens ready for the new autumn term this September so I thought I’d focus on the emotional side of re-entry and offer my personal insight into this transition (there are resources for practical tips at the end though!).
I have four children now aged 15 to 23 and I’ve learnt something from each one as they have moved up a year or changed schools. And while all the practical stuff about uniforms, PE kits, equipment, sports and GCSE or A Level choices is important what I think I’ve mostly learnt is that every year through their teens the most important question my kids have been asking quietly inside as terms change is: “Will I still belong?”.
Sometimes I missed that as a parent because i was caught up in the practical stuff. I didn’t fully recognise the importance of that fear inside them and may be minimised their worries. I remember telling one of mine at 13 that she would be fine in the school approved shoes I’d bought her and not the ones all her friends were getting away with wearing. I was furious with her for ‘over reacting’ (in my adult mind) to something as simple as a pair of boring black shoes.
What I didn’t recognise was that she’d been having issues in a friendship group and something as small as the wrong shoes at the start of a more grown up term was - she felt - going to make her life a misery in a new class. I didn’t listen to her worries and I didn’t sit down with her and wonder why this was so important at this particular time or seek to find out what was going on ‘under the bed’ as psychologists say. I bulldozed over her fear with logic and that was unfair. So make sure you listen as they tell you what they want and if it strikes you as illogical perhaps something else is going on?
During adolescent development a teenager is acutely sensitive to what everyone thinks of them, especially their peers. They’re building a new identity (and testing a few out on you as they go), their bodies are changing, there brains are being rewired. It is ALOT to go through during the pivotal academic years, change is a constant for them and it can feel even more overwhelming ahead of a new term.
You may be thinking why are they so stressed, after all they have had a summer of fun, extra screen time, late bed times and lounging about with mates but do not underestimate how they feel about themselves just before the new school term.
Many have grown, changed shape, developed a new persona, their voices may have changed and they have to take this into school with the inside question ‘will I still belong”.
My son grew two inches one summer and took up a new sport which made him a totally different looking teen - it was a huge thing to take this new persona into a classroom he had left as a different child. Think about how that may feel for a teen.
You may be stressed about getting the right uniform or sports kit in time or the new school journey, but trust me your teen will feel that the sky will fall in if they have the wrong hair cut.
What teens want as they approach transitions like a new term is a solid connection to you, to feel that you will listen, trust and respect them whatever they bring you and more than anything else they need to to fit in, but to fit in in the way they chose not the way you think is most sensible, logical or helpful (academically or otherwise).
And it may be that your stress about the practical preparations of a new term may feel intrusive and overwhelming for them too, so if there is a way you can reduce that or avoid making your teen responsible for making you happier ahead of the new term then seek a way. Be that more sleep, rest, or perhaps asking for some extra support. Or even letting some things slide and not striving for perfection.
There will of course be some give and take around all this and you will need to have my favourite phrases on hand to help out as they get ready for the new term and all sorts of situations may arise. These phrases are
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