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First Principles · Jun 13, 2026

30 Reasons You Know You’re a Philosopher

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Lorenzo Elijah, PhD · First Principles

  1. You’ve said “well, it depends what you mean by...” at a funeral.

  2. You consider “interesting” a devastating insult.

  3. You’ve responded to “how are you?” with a request for clarification.

  4. Someone says “that begs the question” incorrectly and you feel physical pain.

  5. You’ve used “iff” in a text message.

  6. You’ve never answered a yes/no question with fewer than four distinctions.

  7. You’ve said “in virtue of what?” to a child.

  8. You think “p” and “q” are perfectly normal things to say out loud.

  9. You’ve ruined a dinner party by asking what makes a heap a heap.

  10. You’ve used the word “intuition” professionally and with a straight face.

  11. You’ve said “I want to push back on that a little” before disagreeing with everything.

  12. You’ve described an obviously insane view as “a live option in the literature.”

  13. You know exactly three facts about Gettier and one of them is that he only published one paper.

  14. You believe footnotes are where the real argument lives.

  15. You’ve called a position “prima facie plausible” as a prelude to destroying it.

  16. You’ve cited a paper you haven’t read because everyone cites it.

  17. You’ve written “it is widely held that” about a view held by you and your supervisor.

  18. You distinguish between what someone said and what they were committed to.

  19. You think “naïve” is a technical term and not an insult. Mostly.

  20. You’ve said “trivially true” about something that took you three weeks to understand.

  21. You think clarity is a moral virtue and rhetoric is a vice.

  22. You can’t watch sci-fi without muttering about personal identity.

  23. You wisely became a paid subscriber of this publication. Thanks!

  24. You’ve spent more time on the second premise than on your relationships.

  25. You’ve described someone’s life’s work as “a useful foil.”

  26. You’ve defended a view you don’t hold for two hours because the objections were bad.

  27. Your strongest emotional reaction this year was to a misuse of “valid.”

  28. You’ve called an objection “fatal” with the calm of a man describing weather.

  29. Your conference question was, in fact, more of a comment.

  30. You read this list checking each item for counterexamples. You found several. You’re drafting the email now.

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