Hello… I’m still on a family holiday, exploring Cheshire. With no time for desk research, I’ve put together today’s newsletter in my head while wandering round the Delamere Forest. I hope it’s not too silly. Back to normal next week.
Before the rhyming couplets, it’s the History Radar…
Upcoming events for fans of London history.
🎗️HELPING HANDS: Challenge the City of London’s reputation for ruthless finance with a virtual tour celebrating the square mile’s philanthropic history. Guide David Charnick leads this live-streamed session, highlighting the significant charities and selfless individuals who have channelled wealth toward those in need, followed by a Q&A. 10 August
👸🏽 FORGOTTEN QUEENS: Historian Alice Loxton visits Waterstones Trafalgar Square to discuss her latest book, Eleanor, which explores the lives of powerful women and ancient paths through British history. Chaired by fellow historian Ruby Gray, take a deep dive into the narratives of queens who have been overlooked by the traditional historical canon. 10 August
🚇 TUNNEL VISION: Blue Badge guide Louise Halfpenny visits Guildhall Library to trace how the London Underground has inspired artists and architects for over 160 years. The free talk examines works ranging from the iconic Tube map to Henry Moore’s sketches of stations used as wartime shelters. Tickets to attend in person have sold out, but you can still watch online. 11 August
📽️ FORMER CINEMA TOUR: Take a guided tour inside the Grade II* listed Carlton Cinema on Essex Road with cinema historian Nigel Smith. The 90-minute walk-through covers the Egyptian-style auditorium, lobby and former café area and includes historical photos and anecdotes, and £5 from each ticket goes towards the building restoration fund. 14 August
✍🏽 WRITING COMPETITION: Just a reminder about the 1st annual Londonist: Time Machine writing competition. We’ve got a £350 prize for whoever can write the best piece on London history (deadline 19 August) The winning entry will be published on this newsletter. See here for the full entry conditions.
In lieu of some proper history, I’ve penned a few verses about each central London bridge. I’ve varied the metre, to reflect the diversity of the spans…
The bridge that leads to Lambeth Palace…
Fine gatehouse and fine chapels
Across the span is MI5 and
a pair of gold pineapples
It’s painted red, in secret code
to match the House of Lords
While off downstream, Westminster’s green
To the Commons it accords
T’was on this bridge, in 1802,
That Wordsworth waxed upon the view:
”Earth has not any thing to show more fair”
For him the Thames bore sweeter air
Look west to Queen Boudicca, urging on her chariot
Look east to keen Americans, splurging on the Marriott
Look up, the shady gothic palace
Look down, beshadowed row of phallus
A railway bridge whose twin footpaths
are cable-stayed with brio
Both trains and tourists trek atop
this tight transpontine trio
Reinforced concrete
a looker, it’s not
Based on the blueprints
of Giles Gilbert Scott
(Who gave us the phone box, Tate Modern, the lot…)
John Rennie’s late span
had stood here afore
But it was packed off
to Harmondsworth Moor
(And Kenya, Harare, New Zealand and more)
((A story I’ve told on these pages before…))
There was an old bridge
At the mouth of the Fleet
Whose sides hold a rare
Ornithological treat
The carvings downstream
Are all birds of the ocean
While those to the west
Have freshwater devotion
Where hooded monks once sang compline
a bridge now props the Thameslink line
Its forebear’s stumps still hold positions
let’s use them for Fourth Plinth commissions
To mark 2K, a ‘blade of light’
was strung across the river
The people came, they marched in-step
and set it all a-quiver
The bridge was shut for months on end
for engineering tampers
They fixed the nix and pulled some tricks
with viscous fluid dampers
Neglected bridge
with the quietest road
Except for that time
It chanced to explode
The old bridge, too
Attracted few feet
Despite an iron span
that’s never been beat
Not a bridge to draw the painter
nor, in fact, the poet
If this green slab possesses charm
it’s not inclined to show it
But climb on to the station roof
and gaze towards the south
And suddenly this yawnsome span
will leave you open mouthed ⬇️
The oldest bridge requires no rhymes
it’s been in verse since ancient times
For every school child in the town
knows London Bridge is falling down
But history we must not snub
it foams and gyres, a mussed hot tub
This bridge has seen infinity
above the soft salinity
Roman legions, heads on spikes
drovers’ herds and motorbikes
Wary pilgrims, Fergie, Nancy
Boys in rags, and ladies fancy
All have crossed; all and any
(“I had not thought death had undone so many”)
London Bridge, for goodness sake
is not this bridge; that claim is fake
Half the tourists get it wrong
including Fergie in that song
Tower’s the one where the bascules rise
so ships can pass and not capsize
But sometime this can cause a fuss
you heard about Bert Gunter’s bus?
The bridge was rising ‘fore his eyes
the upper deck was filled with cries
He hit the gas and jumped the gap
the upper deck, relieved, did clap
His legacy was rather big…
… a pastiche leap on Peppa Pig
Right, I better get back to my holiday. Thanks for reading this nonsense. Normal, non-rhyming service will resume next week.
In the meantime, feel free to suggest your own bridge-inspired verses in the comments section. Or contact me any time on matt@londonist.com
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