On Getting Back Out There.

It’s been almost two years since I last attempted to date someone new. For a while, it was mostly because I was polysaturated: at the time, I had a husband, a medium-distance girlfriend (“medium” since I lived in the DMV and she lived in the Virginia Tidewater Region), and a local companion I spent time with regularly, but not as frequently as my other partners. I had no desire or need to pursue any other connections, and I was feeling content within those relationships. I don’t really believe in collecting partners just for the sake of it; if I don’t have the capacity, I leave folks alone, as I would want them to do with me (not everyone is good at that, but I digress).

Then, life really started whoopin’ my ass. Last May, I was laid off from my first C-Suite role. Then, in July of that year, I officially broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years; in hindsight, the breakup actually began around April.

When I ended the official termination Zoom call with my former employer, I decided to keep the dating hiatus going, and ending my relationship two months later reinforced that it was the right decision. I poured into myself as much as possible by recommitting to writing and content creation, moving my body three times a week, finding a new therapist, and generally enjoying time with my friends, my husband, and in community with other queer Black women.

I ultimately began a new D/s dynamic by the end of last year, but it is a non-romantic one (at least in the traditional sense), and I felt ready for that kind of connection. I continued to hold off on vanilla dating while I was still unemployed, especially when the wound from my breakup was still fresh.

Then three things happened right before spring: I turned 42; I ended a casual local connection that was lovely until our capacities no longer aligned; and I began to feel ready to go back outside and meet some new people, at the very least. It didn’t need to become A Relationship right away because, ideally, I want to be in a better financial place before becoming some lucky gal’s long-term girlfriend.

However, through therapy, journaling, and keeping it 100 with myself, I accepted that I do want companionship and as long as I am honest about my own capacity and the kind of connections I can be present for, there’s nothing wrong with dating. I’m still worthy of enjoying someone’s company–it may look different while I am on the job market, but that doesn’t mean I have to deny myself that pleasure.

I historically do not do well on dating apps–so much so that when I do match with someone, I write it off as a glitch in the matrix. So starting with my birthday season in February, I slowly began to take my fine ass outside and reacquaint myself with doing the choosing, as Amber Phillips puts it.

The first attempt was a really good time with my girls, but a bit of a miss. You see, I attended a sapphic slow-dance party the week before my birthday, and the crowd was younger. A LOT younger. I’m talkin’ younger as in under the age of 30, and maybe even under 25. And at my big-titty age, I prefer dating women who are at least over the age 30.

By mid-March, I started actively seeking out events geared towards Black sapphic-leaning queer women and lesbians over 30. That was the best decision I could have made. It’s been really wonderful connecting with Black women who not only are in my desired age range but are also open to the kind of fun, intentional, romantic companionship I feel most ready for. What I’m learning this time around is that when I’m clear about what kind of connection I have the capacity and desire for, and can say it with my chest, it’s easier to identify people who are looking for the same.

There’s a lot of content about how hard dating is across the board–and I won’t lie and say it isn’t hard at times. Folks express some very valid frustrations with the dating pool, regardless of where they sit on the gender and sexuality spectrums. I’m not going to refute that. Even in the last month or so, I’ve been on at least one weird date with someone I was simply not vibing with.

But I will say that for the first time in years, I’m connecting with some lovely humans and having a really good time. Dating is fun for me again.

I’m brave enough to see where this takes me.