a healing, private letter between me and my younger self.

this photo conjures up some pretty big feelings. i think i must have been about 16 years old here. at this point in my life i was enduring some pretty unhinged and traumatic things in my family home. i was subjected to a family members mental illness, violence and death threats, witnessed addiction, overdose, abuse and emotional blackmail, my mum had cancer and i became her main carer. i was scared for my safety most days after school. turmoil and despair were a regular occurrence. despite all of that going on, i pretended to hold it together. i was compliant, meek, stoic on the outset yet crumbling and soft like kinetic sand on the inside. i think the reason i felt the need to perform compliance was because it didn’t feel safe for me to act up or cause any more stress within the family. looking back i needed someone to look up to who felt safe and could proverbially and literally hold me, allow me to weep and process all the stuff i had seen. instead i suppressed it all and it slowly ate away at my sanity. the moment i left home and began my journey to adulthood, the sand started to take over my whole body. i felt as though i was falling apart, crumbling. eventually my mental health became so stressed at its core, i ended up hospitalised. the first of many to come. i won’t go into my own mental health journey in this post, because i want to focus on the young woman in that picture above. but it resulted in a decade of me experiencing some very significant adult mental health issues. right now though i want to speak to the young woman in the photo:

~ sam. i know you probably feel like you can’t tell me what’s going on out of fear of burdening me. or maybe it’s because you are worried that if you let yourself feel the big feelings that you have been hiding then you will lose your grip on reality. but i am here to assure you that you are safe here, now, with me. i am here to protect you and to give you the space to feel, cry, scream, breathe and process. once you allow that trust to shine through, i promise it will safeguard your future. i see your pain. i see what’s happening and it’s not fair, it’s not your fault. you never asked to be brought into this world and im so sorry the world has failed you. despite all of this suffering, your light still shines bright. when you walk into a room and smile it warms even the coldest of hearts. i believe in you sam. you have so much to offer the world and you will find your place within it. it’s totally understandable that your scared, terrified. it’s a lot that you’re going through. please can i hold you? you can cry and scream in my arms. i will not break. i am strong and i am here to hold you tight. i will only let go once you feel strong enough to hold yourself. take your time my sweet darling girl. i’m so sorry for your pain. i promise one day you will look back on the suffering and realise that it will attribute to your softness when you grow older, wiser and have a family of your own. you will meet a man who is your soulmate. he is soft, kind, safe. and with him you will move far away from all this pain and create the most magical life for yourselves where you have your own daughter, and you will give her the life you deserve too. she is the most perfect, healing light source and you give her your whole heart. you will be living proof to her and the people in your orbit that humans can endure so much pain, yet hold onto your soft and warm heart. you will enjoy your daily life. you will be grateful, blessed and in control of your destiny. you will care so deeply, feel so deeply. of course there will be tricky moments, but all that wisdom you’ve collected over the years will guide you. you have so much to look forward to. music will be the thing that projects you into this new type of living. it will give you an outlet, safety to be yourself. it will connect you with strangers from across the world. it will excite and heal you. first though, please, you must grieve. let it all out. process and feel all of the pain. the big emotions held inside you are safe with me. they’re safe to feel. let it out. everything will be ok, i promise. i love you.