What About The Mother?

My uncle and his wife just had a baby.

After years of trying, they finally got their rainbow baby.

At 40 weeks, she went into labor.

After 24 hours of active labor, they ultimately had to have a C-section.

So when I overheard my mom and dad talking about seeing the baby, my nosy ass obviously asked what they were talking about.

They told me they were planning to go to the hospital to see the baby.

The next day.

After her surgery.

I was shook.

Like… the next day?

This woman just spent 24 hours in active labor and then had major abdominal surgery, and we’re already planning a social visit?

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I immediately thought back to when I had my first baby.

I remember how completely raw and emotional those first few days felt.

The exhaustion.
The hormones.
The pain.
The overwhelming realization that this tiny person was now completely dependent on me.

And for the visitors?

I didn’t want them.

I allowed my mom and dad and my husband’s parents to visit, but even that was hard on my body and my mental health.

Not because I didn’t love them. Not because I wasn’t grateful that they were excited for us. I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to be left alone.

I wanted to stare at my baby without feeling like I needed to talk, host, or make anyone else comfortable.

And for some reason, I felt GUILTY for not letting people rush over to see our new baby.

I was also dealing with a lot of PPA, so the thought of visitors completely freaked me out.

So I said to my parents,

“Well, just remember I didn’t want visitors for awhile.”

And they didn’t really say anything.

They went anyway. And I just felt sad.

But I was/am ( working on this ) the woman who was afraid to stand up for herself. The woman with crippling anxiety. The woman who, when people pushed, usually just let them right in.

So when my parents told me that my uncle said, “We’d love to have you,” it made me think…

Do they feel like they can say, “We aren’t allowing visitors”?

I really hope they do.

And obviously I understand why people want to come. It’s exciting! There’s a new baby. Everyone is curious and happy and wants to be there.

She might be bleeding and in pain. She may have stitches or, in this case, a C-section incision. She may not have slept, or even showered. She may be trying to figure out how to feed a baby while wondering why nobody told her it would be this hard.

She may be overwhelmed, crying, terrified, completely in love, or all of those things at the exact same time.

And she might still open the door, smile, and say,

“Come in!”

Because sometimes moms are really good at making everyone else comfortable while quietly falling apart themselves.

That’s the part I keep thinking about.

The people who reached out to me a month after I had my daughter were some of the people I was most grateful for.

Obviously, they checked in on me beforehand.

But they weren’t asking,

“When can I come see the baby?”

They were asking,

“How are you?”

And there was something about that that meant so much to me.

Also I wanted to add, I know everyone is different. Maybe you loved having visitors over and it didn’t cause you anxiety. But for me it did. And I will show up differently for the mothers, and her baby.