The Ghost

When I was a kid, I pretended I saw a ghost. I was down by the Cumberland Estate; a new-build of flats, at the very bottom of a steep hill me and my friend Rebecca used to rollerskate down. We used to all hang out together; the kids on our street - getting up to mischief like characters in an old black and white TV show. Little Rascals. Boys and girls alike, each daring one another to ring doorbells and run away, or throw stones at the Bestway warehouse. But more and more often, I was finding myself playing alone. Making up games in my head. Walking around the block, thinking.

I pretended to see the ghost in a residential car park between two of the new-builds. It floated there; the spirit of a little girl - Dickensian and pale, with no legs to speak of. It only appeared for an instant - didn’t speak to me - and then faded away. In my head, she looked a bit like me, albeit dressed differently - a different haircut. I pretended to be frightened by it, and ran as fast as I could back up the hill. I knocked frantically on our front door, which I didn’t have a key for, and pretended to be upset and traumatised as my mum comforted me. I described to her, in great detail, what I had pretended to have seen… then, going door to door, to all the other kids on my street - gave them the same story.

The one I really cared about believing me, was Rebecca. She and I had been fast pals for a long time. We both had a dark sensibility - enjoyed gossip and playing Croc on her Playstation. She’d tease me a little bit - offer to paint my nails, or try to get me to wear her clothes. I would refuse. Redirect. When her mum forced us outside, we’d sit in the alleyway behind my house and play ‘Potions’.

In this game we both were witches, concocting the most cursed recipes out of mud, water, insects and bits of broken glass, all shaken up in old Coke bottles. We didn’t drink them; instead we poured them over Faye’s fence, who was a stuck up bitch. But I would have drank it - had it been able to give me what I really wanted. If it had transformed me.

The commotion about the ‘ghost’ had piqued everyone’s interest. We headed back down the hill together, a little mob - all hoping to catch a glimpse of the spectre I had entirely fabricated. Even so, I believed it. I had gotten myself worked up in such a convincing way, that I had scared myself. I was sure that we’d see it again… and when we didn’t, I was even more distressed. Rebecca wasn’t bothered. She was older than me by a couple of years, and by then had actually - inexplicably - befriended Faye, who as far as I was concerned was still, and always would be, a stuck up bitch.

Somewhere along the way, Bec and I stopped hanging out as much. I’d still see her every now and then - still knock on her door to see if she wanted to do something, and sometimes she would. But it wasn’t like it was. We’d sit on her porch and talk about life, but there’d always be someone else there. Some boy.

Later, she’d get an actual, real boyfriend. He could drive, and I didn’t hate him because he’d take us to Papa Johns and we’d eat it in the car. A secret, extra dinner. But once, while they were holding hands outside the house, I walked towards them and Bec’s boyfriend said, laughing:

“Why do you walk like a girl? Wiggling your bum like that?”

They both thought it was hilarious - Bec acting as if it was the first time she’d ever noticed it. But of course it wasn’t. Unlike her, I hadn’t changed one bit since we were kids.

For years I kept up the lie about the little girl ghost. I’d insist; why would I lie about something like that? What did I have to gain from it? I’d go back down the hill, sometimes with a boy, or sometimes on my own, and I’d call out to the ghost to reveal herself.

“If you’re here, please show yourself! We mean you no harm!”

But, of course, she was far too shy - and it’d be a while until she appeared in my life again.

Hey, by the way - my short film ‘Transsexual Psycho Bitch Murder Party’ premieres this Saturday night at 8pm (GMT), over on my Youtube channel. Here’s the link if you’d like to check it out. Thank you.

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