Do we all just want to belong?

I’ve been thinking about what to write for this second substack. Again, perhaps waiting for the moment of inspiration that’s never going to happen. Should I introduce myself and who I am? (But likely the only person reading this is my Mum, so I’d hope she already knows most of it! (Hi Mum!)) An update on my injury?

But the injury got me thinking…

At the start of the year I joined a new training group, Boulder AC, led by coach Kathy Butler. It’s an awesome group, who have truly welcomed me as part of the squad and whilst everyone puts the work in, and trains hard, and everyone has their own goals and races they are going after. We also have a lot of laughs and lot of fun.

But then, I went and got a stress fracture, and I’ve not been able to run. So, at a time when I just thought I was settling into this new group, and starting to build a new community, something very much needed for various reasons, it all disappeared. Well, I know it didn’t, but that’s what it felt like.

I know they are still there and will be when I get back to running. They have actually been great at checking in and messaging. I’ve also made myself go out to the sessions, just near the end to watch and heckle… sorry I meant support and cheer, and to try to still feel part of something. (Oh and for the coffee after!)

When I started Triathlon, I’d joined a group called Bondifit, and the group dynamic was so important, I believe, in my now love of the sport.

I come from a team sports background too. I grew up playing Netball and Hockey for various teams and at various levels and there is something special about a team environment and camaraderie.

For many years I travelled around the world moving place to place for training and racing. I had some great friends in different locations, but was only ever in one place for a short space of time. Nomadic I think was attached to me for many years, as a triathlete.

Having been nomadic for years, (living in many amazing places, but also never really living and belonging anywhere), when I was deciding to change coaches, I wanted a coach with a group and squad that did training sessions and/or camps together and one that were, if not mostly in one location, one that came together regularly.

Apart from Julie Dibens (Dibs) and her coaching reputation, which was good enough reason for me to want to work with Dibs. (To which, I will also add (her coaching) is seriously underrated. Yes, biased but justified!) Dibs had a group and a squad (JDC). Although, she was based in Boulder, and I was at my, “I’m never going to back to live in the USA again” phase. (I’d lived in San Francisco in 2014-2016 in a squad, but one of a very different kind and just never clicked with the whole environment, but that’s a story for another day.) At first, Dib’s coached me remotely, living in Girona (which I loved), with a different kind of community that I was starting to feel part of, until I wasn’t. So, I had to bite the bullet on my “never want to live in the USA” again, and I moved to Boulder. And look at me now, three years (and hopefully more – Please USA immigration), in Colorado – the Boulder bubble and who’s who or triathlon! I moved for Dibs’ coaching in person, but then also the incredible set up she had built and the athletes she worked with. The community.

Remember those Covid years. The endless months of lock down. Whilst some of us loved not having to speak to anyone, (ha ha yes me too at times), we also all craved a connection, and being or feeling part of something. Joining everyone in the street and village, clapping at 7pm to thank the vital health workers. (I was in the UK staying at with my sister and her family (the “come stay for a couple of weeks whilst this blows over” into 6months and counting!) To online catch ups and meet ups. At JDC, we started a Zwift ride. Once a fortnight, we’d all log on from wherever we were in the world, and all ride, and I loved it. It made me feeling like I was part of the group. We even carried them on for a few years after lock down, and still were always one of my favourite sessions. Well, from the community and group aspect, not the actual session itself as they were often 90mins of heinous efforts and power! Ha ha! I also always loved the training camps we’d go on, when everyone would be together working with and towards their own goals. The group environment.

After Challenge Roth in 2025, one of the hardest things I found was not being part of the group and community. I’d moved to Boulder for the sport, for the group, and as a Professional, we spend our time training, and with the squad training. Suddenly it felt like it had been taken away and I was being kicked out, on the outside. Rejected. Whilst I knew I had to move on, that wasn’t going to be an instant thing, and in a time with a lot of things changing in life and up in the air, I wanted and needed something constant. Something familiar that I knew. I still wanted to have some connection with a group that had been so much of my life. I suddenly felt alone, and not part of it. A squad you have been involved in, and would have done anything for your fellow squad members, (and loyalty is one of my values), suddenly felt like you were forgotten, insignificant, and no longer part of it or welcome. (I know this wasn’t necessarily the case, but these are the stories we tell ourselves, and this is how it felt. It fucking sucked.)

The Artemis II. The Space mission or Moon Joy as it was called at times. I don’t know if you got as absorbed as I did. But I loved following the crew with their updates, amazing photos, beautiful descriptions and the odd Nutella jar floating across space! (I have to admit, when they launched on 1^st April, I thought it was an April Fool, as I had completely missed any press leading up to announce the launch and mission.) Whilst there are a lot of other reasons we got sucked in and found so much “moon joy” in their mission, part of it I feel was that feeling of being connected. United by something that captivated and brought so many together, and with so much good news, joy, positivity and love. It blows my mind to think of the Astronauts in space, floating with no gravity, just orbiting, yet able to do that due to the Moon and Earths gravitational pull… again connecting.

Anyone still reading?

Where am I going with this… well… (to be honest not totally sure myself)

I think it’s the strength of community we all crave and that is so important in our health and wellbeing. I know that’s nothing knew or ground breaking, but however introverted we are, we all still want to feel part of something, and included.

Believe me, I love my alone time (heck I’ve had 25+ odd years of it ha ha). I’m very much an introvert. Sometimes, the thought of going to an event, even something casual at someone’s house (even with people I know) all the way to a more formal, industry or business related function, frankly sends me into sweaty arm pit territory with anxiety. What am I going to say and ask? How do I do that small talk chat? It’s always an awkward pause. People think I’m boring and have nothing to talk about. Can I just pretend to be looking at something, or constantly getting a drink, or if I keep going to the bathroom, so I don’t have to talk to anyone, or I look busy. Seriously!

In my mid 40s, living in a relatively new place, suddenly having to find a whole new community to feel part of something is well, apart from daunting, it’s a whole lot of energy, effort and hard work. When you are not at 100% of your operating capacity, and have been struggling to be or find who you are, this just is a whole lot of overwhelm more and too much to cope with. All you want is safety and familiarity.

As someone that loves the group, but is also fiercely independent and walled, I didn’t realize quite how important community was until it felt like it was taken away. The safety net when everything else was turning, falling, changing and disappearing.

I also think, when you have that group and that community, the introvert time also thrives. You can re charged and get your alone time, because you know there’s strength in the community you are part of. (That’s not taking it for granted, it’s valuing and appreciating it’s there, allowing for you to feed the other parts of your energy systems too.) But when it’s not there, the solo time is deafening. It weighs oppressively, pushing you out and away. Excluding you further, and out-casting you.

It takes a lot to change that and be proactive. A lot of the time you know you have to overcome it, but it’s almost too much, too heavy. But ultimately, you have to dig deep to go beyond. Simply inviting a few people for coffee after a swim, or trying to get a group together for Taco Tuesday. Especially when everyone else has their own lives to live and be busy at. However hard it is, you have to keep making the effort. You have to keep trying to show up, in the uncomfortable situations. You have to keep trying to arrange things, even when the voice shouts at you, that no one wants to join you.

Because you’ve seen it. You’ve seen the strength in the group - a training group, a work team, a high performing squad, a friendship circle. The benefits in camaraderie. The stress that can also be lifted, when we just walk together or sit together, you don’t even need to say anything sometimes. The laughter and energy you can gain. The memories you make and hold. The smiles. The buzz you can walk away with.

It’s just feeling like you belong.

Oh, yes the injury. Well I got to jump too footed this week. Who knew jumping could be so daunting and scary and yet so exciting at the same time!

And thank you to everyone who’s subscribed already (and hopefully doesn’t unsubscribe after this second post and the disappointing realization, it’s not as earth shattering or journalistic genius, as you were expecting! I promise this will be a more regular thing as I get into the swing of it, but given it’s taken me several months (if not years) to start this in the first place, the fact that this is “only” a 2-3week gap from first to this, then I think that’s a win! Right?