I’m preparing to teach a class Making Friends As A Grown Up with friendship expert Shasta Nelson, author of Frientimacy. I want to focus on making new friends, especially after you’ve done a lot of therapeutic work, broken old patterns, and become more of yourself rather than the person you were on auto-pilot from old programming.
Shasta says healthy friendships require three things- consistency, vulnerability, and positivity. She says every thriving friendship—every thriving relationship, for that matter—is simply these three things, practiced over time. So as I try to make new friends in West Sonoma County, I’m consciously trying to offer those three things, and I want it to be reciprocated, so I’m not the only one doing all the friendship building work.
Shasta just moved too, and she’s writing a new book about making friends after relocating. But before that, she’s written several books about friendships and jet sets all over the world keynoting about how to make (and keep) healthy friendships. We had several fun girl chats and then dreamed up the idea of maybe teaching a class about friendship, so please join us if this idea sounds fun to you!
Learn more and register for Making New Friends As A Grown Up.
I’ve taught the last three LOVE SCHOOL sessions on making new friends after doing your personal growth and therapy work, which is part of what inspired this class. I thought I’d teach one session and we’d move on, but talking about friendship brought up deep wounds in our students. Soulmate friends that ruptured. Besties who ghosted us. Being the ghoster—and why. Friends who just aren’t reliable. The pain rose to the surface, and we met it with tender kid gloves, the way we always try to while learning relational skills and practicing Internal Family Systems together.
All of this got me thinking about what I offer as a friend—and what I look for in friends, now that I’ve done a lot of therapy. Therapy helped me see my patterns, how I’d seek out people I could rescue/control, or how I’d get intrusive in the name of being close/enmeshed. But I don’t want to repeat those old patterns anymore! Now that I’m new in town, I feel like I have the opportunity to choose healthier relationships, and I’m excited to journey with new chosen family, creating community and practicing what I learned in therapy, in real time, with new people.
I decided against trying Bumble BFF, the online dating app for finding friends, because the reviews on it are dismal. But I decided I’d play with writing a profile for myself, just to get clear what I’m seeking. I just went on a lovely new friend date yesterday with a lovely woman I’m planning to see again tonight. I’ll share my meet new friends “dating” profile, in case it inspires you. You might try doing the same!
I’ve made the list of what I wanted in a romantic partner before, but until now, I have never articulated the kinds of qualities and values I’m looking for in friendships with women and men or what I’m looking for.
First, a little about me. I am not cool. I have no idea how to do cool. When I’m around cool people, I freeze up and shrink. But when I’m around real people, my nervous system relaxes, and I can breathe. I don’t care if someone farts or burps out loud, because I’d rather someone let it out than keep it in, and then if I have a little toot that needs to squeak its way out, I won’t feel as uncool for having biological functions.
I don’t expect my friends to show up polished or made up or pretending they didn’t just have a blow up with their partner or mother, and I don’t want to have to perform with my friends either. I might straighten up the house before someone comes over, but my close friends will tell you there will probably be dishes in the sink, sand on the floor, dog fur on the sofa, and flies buzzing around because we live in a barn next to a cow pasture.
I can be a little hypo-manic sometimes (if you haven’t figured that out already), so people tend to find me interesting, stimulating, and inspiring. But I can be slowed down and calmed down pretty easily if someone suggests we close our eyes and have a moment of silence or just sit next to each other, like kids engaging in parallel play, doing our own introverty thing without having to center each other.
I care about consistency, vulnerability, and positivity, as long as it’s not the toxic positivity version, where you fake happy even when you’re crying or angry inside. I cherish authenticity and people who are comfortable in their own skin, who are not sycophantic chameleons pretending to be what they think you want them to be. I’ve done my share of fawning and people pleasing in the past, but it always backfires. Friends who have done at least some of their own work and are not averse to going to therapy if things get hard are easier on my system than people who try to keep everything inauthentically positive, while denying what actually hurts.
I like people who say “Ouch,” if you hurt them, so I can learn where the boundaries are and make quick repair. People who hold grudges but are conflict avoidant and won’t tell you why make me crazy! I once heard that if you’re looking for an animal to walk you through the desert, you’re better off on a horse than a camel. Because if horses get tired or thirsty, they slow down, start looking weary, and make it clear it’s time to find an oasis for a water break and a nap. Camels, on the other hand, go and go and go with no warning, and then they keel over dead. I’m looking for horses who give me warning if something isn’t going right in the friendship, not camels who just ghost people.
But of course, feeling good together, having fun together, coming away from meet ups feeling better than before we came together, that all matters too. I’m kind of humor-impaired and not very funny myself, but I laugh hard at other people’s humor. My partner Jeff and I both have a kind of twisted, dark humor, but I usually hide that from other people. If I get to know someone well, I might let it out.
I love getting to know people who are different than me, because I learn so much and my heart gets bigger, and I’m actively looking to make more non-white friends. I like having enough in common to feel comfortable but I also like being challenged to grow and deepen my empathy and scope. Single or partnered, straight or queer, BIPOC or white, I don’t need someone to be just like me.
What really matters to me is equality and reciprocity. I don’t want someone who insists on one-upping me and being grandiose, unduly self-absorbed, or narcissistic. And I certainly don’t want someone sycophantic, who fangirls me or puts me on a pedestal and expects me to go one up. I like being friends with people who meet me eye to eye, as equals, as two people who know our worth and know we all bring something of precious value to the world and to each other.
I love attending live music and will regularly be at Peacetown (Fleetwood Macrame tonight!) or the Windsor Town Green for music, picnics, and dancing. I can be socially awkward, but if there’s a dance floor, I am a Dancing Queen fool and I know just what to do. The minute the music stops, I get tongue-tied in a crowd, but one on one, I’m much more comfortable. I love hiking and taking my dog Moose to Doran or Dillon Beach, and I’m hoping to explore new hiking trails around here. I just discovered Sea To Sky trail in Jenner Headlands and Estero Americano trail in Bodega Bay, and I am in love.
I’ve always been an artist and a writer, so art time and writing time is always welcome. Sonoma County is so bountiful with art workshops and fun crafty projects. My main artistic medium for the past 25 years has been encaustic painting and sculpture, but my new “She Shed” has no ventilation, so I’m trying to find my next artistic outlet. I’m upcycling clothing and have fun rummaging around the Goodwill outlet for cashmere cloth and lace and other salvageable treasures. I just got my first sewing machine, which I completely suck at using. I’m also learning to do botanical gelli printing, eco-printing fabric, cyanotype on fabric, weaving wall hangings, and collage on panel, since I can’t use my encaustic studio at my new home.
I also write every day. I know there are tons of other writers in West Sonoma County. But one of my main sources of income is mentoring writers, so I’d want to avoid mentoring another writer. I’d rather hang out with writing peers, peer to peer, since it’s too easy for me to go into mentor/client mode if someone is new to writing or publishing. But if someone just wanted to meet someplace cool and write together, I’d be down for that.
I’m also a foodie and learning to garden, and I love entertaining and throwing dinner parties, bringing people together. I joined the West County Community Farm and will be there and at the Sebastopol Grange farm swaps on Tuesdays. It’s my dream to have a life of rustic bounty with soulful people huddled together to weather these hard times.
I go to every No Kings rally and I’m one of those people who honks like mad every time I drive through Sebastopol and the protesters are protesting. But I also think we need solace, and a little line dancing should be able to help us endure.
I’m always up for nature rituals, women’s circles, book clubs, sewing circles, and the kind of witchy goddessy stuff that can make me sound like a trad wife, which I’m not. But I’m not into the grandiosity that can ride shotgun with some of the goddessy stuff, and I won’t do man hating for the purposes of female empowerment. I’m happy to go to a Stich & Bitch circle or “Unhappy Hour,” but only to vent temporarily for the purposes of healing and giving ourselves a way to wail and get angry and express when it’s needed.
I love hot springs and sometimes get day passes in Calistoga or Harbin Hot Springs or stay for an overnight if I’m splurging. I love all things makerly and my friends tend to get to enjoy the benefits of that. Yesterday, I made cherry tomato confit and then miso-salted caramel sauce for ice cream or coffee, and I make a mean raw chocolate. I just made aromatherapy bath salts and am about to sew denim jeans jacket sleeves into little wine bags, since I’m cutting off denim sleeves from jackets to sew on cashmere sleeves from holey cashmere sweaters.
I’m afraid that description of myself might make me sound intimidating, so please don’t interpret it that way! I certainly am not looking for other people who are carbon copies of me. I’m happy to do things I don’t know much about or am not good at, and I’m also happy to share some of my interests with others who are curious to play without attachment to being good at any of these activities.
Most of all, I’m loyal, I’m generous, I show up as best I can when things get rough in my friendships, and I’m not just a fair weather, fun-only friend. I show up at hospitals, at funerals, and in the daily grind of caregiving our loved ones. I do have high expectations though—for honesty, for integrity, for mutuality, for caring about social justice, for taking a firm stand about the issues of our day, for owning our shadows and not pretending we don’t have them, and for doing our best to keep commitments, even if it means stretching a bit. I’m happy to accommodate special needs, but I wouldn’t want to be the only one with a car. I do like to be active and love having hiking friends or dancing friends, but many of the activities I like to engage in are sedentary, like making art, writing, or sewing, so being active isn’t a prerequisite. I also have some disabled friends and we accommodate those needs, of course.
I feel so shy writing this! But I learned from thirty first dates when I did my online dating experiment in 2020-2021 that I learn a lot about myself when I meet new people. Different parts of me come forward in the presence of different kinds of people, and it’s so curious to discover what parts new people bring out in me. I think intentionally meeting new people can be a great journey of discovery, so even if I don’t find my new BFF while going on a bunch of friend dates, I’m sure I’ll have some wonderful experiences and I hope others will too.
So what qualities am I seeking in my new friends? My taste has changed a lot since many years of therapy. I used to be much more attracted to smart, spiritually-inclined, charismatic, multi-talented friends. But that matters so much less to me now. Now, I care a lot about kindness, courage, and taking the risk to be honestly open about who you are and who you’re not.
I guess the most important thing is geographic proximity. I live off Highway One in West Sonoma County, so with gas prices the way they are, I’m not looking for new friends in the town of Sonoma or Napa or San Francisco. I’m looking hyper-local—Occidental, Sebastopol, Petaluma, Santa Rosa, Jenner, Bodega Bay, Graton, Forestville, Guerneville, with Healdsburg or Geyserville or Glen Ellen at the farthest. Two new friends both live 8 minutes away in Occidental, which is ideal, but not a deal breaker if I have to drive further.
Honestly, the most important thing I look for is someone skilled at relational repair. No relationship can stay healthy if there isn’t room to mess up and make up. When I meet new friends, a part of me is always waiting for the first conflict, so I can find out whether we have the chops to make it to the next level of intimacy. When we survive the first big issue with a friend and come out the other side with more trust that you can make it through the inevitable ruptures, trust builds and my system relaxes.
I’m obviously looking for friends with shared interests, but I’m also willing to explore new interests I haven’t explored before. I’d have zero interest in someone who wanted to watch sports with me or someone MAGA who wanted to talk politics. Having fun, relaxed time and doing fun, meaningful things together is what I value. Whether it’s hiking, going to protests together, making art, dancing, listening to concerts, dinner parties, picking strawberries at the local farm, or volunteering for local festivals, it’s in person activities that I value, not texting or phone calls, unless we’re arranging other in person activities. (Speaking of which, if you live nearby, I’ll be volunteering at the kids art booth both days for the Gravenstein Apple Fair, so swing by and say hello!)
One thing I know is that I can’t do conflict avoidance, passive aggressive punishing, or withdrawing without explanation. I’m sure I fuck up on the regular, but I’m not defensive and I’ll own up to stuff if I do something upsetting. I just want someone who trusts me enough to tell it to me straight and set boundaries if need be. Someone who knows how to protect their own boundaries is such a relief to me. Then I don’t have to worry that I’ll be a bull in a china shop, unwittingly crashing around and hurting someone. It works best if both of us can just say “that didn’t feel good,” talk about it, own up to what happened, hug and make up, and move on with more clarity about what we need.
I also look for empathy and am instantly turned off if I see someone treating wait staff badly, harming animals, or acting unduly entitled. That means spiritual bypassers don’t usually fit well with me. If I tell someone I’m missing my Muir Beach community or it’s been hard to feel displaced, the last thing I want is for someone to tell me God doesn’t give me any struggles I can’t handle, that my soul chose this, that there’s a silver lining to my loss, or any other fuckwad attempt to make me not feel what I’m feeling. I cherish those who can just hold sacred space when I’m in pain, and I do my best to offer the same in return—no fixing, no bypassing, no silver lining, just presence.
Reciprocity is really important to me. I pay attention to how much space each person takes up, whether there’s a fair back and forth of conversation, whether both parties put themselves out to accommodate the other, whether one person is always doing the chasing or whether there’s genuine interest in doing the labor of getting together to do something meaningful and fun.
I’m also looking for friends with bandwidth. I know what it’s like to have a full life. When I first moved to Muir Beach 18 years ago, I had only one friend, so I was happy to hike with a stranger from social media, just to build a social life. But once my dance card was full, I didn’t have time to meet new strangers, no matter how wonderful they seemed, and my “no” to new friends wasn’t personal. I knew that if I said yes to strangers, I’d be stretching myself too thin and my child, my partner, and my chosen family of friends would suffer. I had to reject very sweet new people to be a true yes to those I put first.
But that’s all changed now. So I’m looking for others who have free time, who work from home or have time off mid-week, or whose weekends aren’t so jam packed that they might have an interest in a new friendship.
I can’t tell you how much it moved me when I asked one woman if she wanted to be friends, explaining that I’m new in town. She got tears in her eyes and said, “You’re so lucky you have that excuse. I’ve been here thirty years and I need new friends.” It made me realize that the loneliness epidemic is legit, especially since the pandemic. And people are craving in person connection, even as we’re scared of taking those risks.
So if you read this and you’re new in town, or if you’re wanting new friends even if you’re not new in town, or if you have plenty of friends but they’ve all let you down and you’re ready for a friend overhaul, or if you started therapy or twelve-stepping or some other transformational journey and your friends did not, I imagine you can relate. And if you’re not, if your friend group is full, cherish them! Life is full of curveballs, and you never know when you’ll be uprooted unexpectedly and plopped down somewhere strange and lonely.
What would your “looking for a new friend” profile look like? What works and doesn’t work for you with your friendships? I highly recommend at least going through the exercise of trying to articulate what you want and need and what you wish for and desire. For bonus points, send it to your closest friends or anyone new you’re hoping to get to know better. I’m going to send mine to a new friend I just met, and like a seven year old girl on the schoolyard, I’ll hope that she likes me.
If you feel inspired to make a conscious effort to build a stronger social network, please join me and Shasta Nelson for Making New Friends As A Grown Up, where we’ll be talking not only about how to meet new people but also how to invest in the friends you already have and how to repair friendships that soured.
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