America Turns 250, A Larry David Let-Down, & Give Me Air Conditioning, Or Give Me Death…Literally

I don’t know what happened, but there are SO many newcomers to my little LAUGHING MATTERS nook and I’m not mad about it! I’m f*cking here for it! Welcome! You all put me at #41 “Rising in Humor” this week, so, I guess I’ve finally made it. What I’ve made is yet to be determined.

Extra-special shout out to Jon L!!!!! For being…well…extra special. Which translates to “paid.” Which I am extra “here” for! Giant “thank you” Jon! Truly appreciate the love in the form of currency that can pay a small portion of the electric bill. Which, apparently in the state of CT, is randomly being raised by 30%. God bless America.

But hey, let Freedom ring y’all! America is having a moment: 250 years old, FIFA fever dreams, and cage matches on the south lawn of the people’s house! In addition, I’m sure our founding fathers never saw all-you-can-eat buffets or TikTok being a major part of the American landscape, but here we are in all of our morbidly obese, screen-gobbing glory. Full disclosure, I don’t do TikTok and I’m not morbidly obese…yet. Give my perimenopausal metabolism a little more time and I’m sure we’ll get there. But I digress…

No matter WHAT your political affiliation, I think we can all agree, during this stifling heatwave that is rolling into her 250th birthday, America is the greatest country on earth, because…..AIR CONDITIONING!!!

After living in France for a year, and visiting during many-a-sweltering summers, I can attest that France, and all of Europe frankly, is NOT the place to be June-August.

It was July, 2022.

The whole family, consisting of 3 teenaged sons, an adult daughter, my partner, and myself, (also adults), rented a high-rise apartment in Paris. An AirBnB was the cheapest way to be able to spend a month there. And you know why it was so cheap? Because it was on the TOP FLOOR. So what if it had an elevator. The kitchen was literally surrounded by glass, creating a greenhouse effect.

These windows gave 300 degree views of Paris, which, at any other time of year, would have been glorious. Then, the canicule (heat wave) came blazing through and we were literally boiling in that kitchen which got up to 115 degrees Fahrenheit. (46.2 degrees C)

We called the owners of the apartment to complain, (very American of us), and begged them to reimburse us for the cost of two air conditioners to have in at least two rooms. They agreed to one AC, (very French of them), and drove an hour+ from their country house to come and put up plastic all over the windows that were supposed to reflect the UV rays. These folx literally spent four hours squeegeeing Saran Wrap all over the kitchen windows in order for a giant wind to come that night and blow it all to the ground.

Just to reiterate, the French will literally go to THESE EXTREMES in order to NOT have AC in their apartments. And this wasn’t even a pre-war Haussmann building! It was a weird anomaly in the 13th arrondissement on the outskirts of Chinatown, and even THEY didn’t want to get an AC!

Leave a comment

3.) There are strict rules around preserving the architectural integrity of the old buildings. What about the integrity of your life?
Next…

4.) The tall, French-door-style windows don’t easily accommodate AC units. Then get mini-splits, Jesus Christ.
Next…

5.) The old electricity would get overloaded if everyone decided to cram AC units in every window. Let’s see about that, shall we?
Next…

6.) Electricity is so expensive, no one could afford to run AC during the summer months.

Again…electric bill vs. death. I choose AC.

I have to say, for all of America’s problems, at least we won’t be going out like that. We might be going out from a food coma or Type 2 diabetes or preventable heart disease, or a healthcare system that no one can afford, but not like a 75 year-old French cat lady.

What’s it gonna take??!! Authorities in France said there were 1,000 more deaths amid last week’s heat wave according to Santé Publique France .

Does France want a repeat of 2003? Where another “unprecedented” heat wave resulted in approximately 15,000 excess deaths?! Mostly women over the age of 75 who lived alone and no one found them, until it was too late??!

I have to say, for all of America’s problems, at least we won’t be going out like that. We might be going out in the form of a food coma or Type 2 diabetes or preventable heart disease or a healthcare system that no one can afford, but not like a 75 year-old French cat lady.

And I’m not the only one who is corroborating with this state of emergency. Here are a few good reads by a few great writers to support my plight:

Sacha Cohen Article: Desperately Seeking Shade

Josh Barro Article: Europe Needs Air Conditioning

If you are a fan of Larry David, of which myself and my entire family are, I would like to save you from the horrific crime that has been committed in the name of television: Life, Larry & The Pursuit of Unhappiness. Try and think of the worst SNL sketch you have ever seen, pair it with the longest joke ever told, and you will have the saddest version of a tv show in American tv history. Ironically, his show is ABOUT American history, and yet, I would rather have read an entire U.S. History textbook than have wasted the six whole minutes of my life I spent watching episode one of this flaming piece of shit.

Share LAUGHING MATTERS

There was no beautiful build, no arc, no tying together of any bits like Larry so artfully achieved on every Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. No great pay-off at the end of a perfectly crafted L.D. season of cringe-worthy head bobbing in absolute agreement with the annoyances of the human race. This, my friends, was Larry screaming joke after joke after joke after bad, boring, high-school-play-level-theatre-on-television shiiite. I’ve seen middle school musicals more entertaining than this.

And with an introduction by Obama himself? Backed by he and Michelle’s production company? You’d think it would have been vetted by cool, anointed by slick, and christened by entertainment royalty. But it wasn’t. It was a giant turd. A waste of Sacha and Malia’s inheritance. If their father were still president, I would insist he be impeached for such blatant disregard for his constituents.

So, if you love Larry David, and I assume you do, DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT (I’m yelling now), WATCH THIS SHOW. It will erase every good thing you ever thought about this man and his comedic genius. Let’s do with him what we do with Michael Jackson; forget about monkeys and sleepovers and “Jesus juice,” and remember the man, his moves, and his music.

In Laughter,
LStL

LAUGHING MATTERS is a place for personal essays about the things we’re all thinking but don’t always say out loud: aging, creativity, fear, failure, love, and the strange relief of finding humor in the middle of it all. Here, I try to tell the truth without making it heavy, and find meaning without losing the levity. If you've ever laughed when you probably should have cried, you're my people. ❣️

Help support my writing by upgrading your subscription for just $5 a month, buy me a coffee, comment, share, or just click that ♥️ button below!