Ridin' the struggle bus...

The silence was deafening, at least until the cacophony of thoughts filled the once-empty space in my head. If it hadn’t been for the distraction of the passing storm, I might have gone insane.

My phone chimed, bringing my focus to the present and the flashing green light of my notification.

I’m outside. Is it okay that I come in? Christian texted and the thrumming in my veins made more sense.

I sighed. Yes.

There was so much we needed to discuss, which coincidentally were the exact same things I was trying to avoid. Go figure.

As if I’d imagined him, Christian appeared in the doorway of the living room and chuckled as I cursed and threw the pillow at him for scaring me.

“You know, this doesn’t make for a great weapon for actual intruders.” He gave a sly smile.

I narrowed my eyes. “Is it a thing in real life that vampires need an invitation?”

“Sadly, it’s not. I could quite literally go anywhere, and there isn’t a whole lot that could stop me.” Christian shrugged and threw the pillow back at me.

“Of course not,” I huffed and rolled my eyes, though I was trying not to smirk. I tucked my legs to make room for him to sit on the couch beside me, which he took as a queue.

He smelled divine, but I refused to throw myself at him as I had in the kitchen. At least not until we figured out where to go from here—if that was something he’d be able to stomach. While he didn’t seem to mind the kiss, I questioned how much of it was his genuine reaction versus this bond we shared.

“Did you and your grandfather speak?” He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous tick of sorts.

“We did,” I said thinly. “I have questions.”

His throat bobbed and he nodded. “I figured you might. What do you say we take turns? You ask a question, then I ask one.”

My heart skipped at the thought of the types of questions he could have for me, especially since I skirted his questions the last time. Unfortunately, it seemed the only way to get the answers I wanted.

“Why did you want to save me so badly?” It only seemed fitting to get right to the point. We had a lifetime and then some to make nice.

Rubbing his hands across his thighs, he averted my eyes. “There was something about you, and the way you made me feel, and I wasn’t ready to give that up. It was selfish of me…”

“Yes,” I affirmed. “It was selfish.”

“I don’t blame you for hating me. I’ll never forgive myself for taking the choice away from you. I know intimately how that feels. I’m so sorry, Lia.” When he turned to face me, his normally brilliant green eyes were dull and sad and my heart splintered.

“I don’t hate you, Christian. We will have…a long time to figure things out, but I don’t hate you.” He reached for my hand and I obliged, interlacing my fingers with his.

“Now, for my question.” He squeezed my hand. “What was the kiss in the kitchen about?”

Laughter bubbled up and I shook my head as the heat spread across my chest and face. “I don’t know, uh, I think I felt like you might not come back and I didn’t want you to be gone forever without at least getting the opportunity to kiss you once.”

“Oh,” he seemed surprised. “That opens the door for so many more questions.”

My palms started to sweat thinking of the way his hands felt against my skin and I cursed myself. I pulled my hand from between his, hoping he hadn’t noticed and realizing too late that he had.

“Do you feed off of people?” I couldn’t look at him as the words left my mouth, but that was probably the second most important thing to ask—the first being whether he wanted my blood.

My question was met with silence, which essentially became my answer. I didn’t know what I had expected. A part of me, I think, had already known the answer, but having confirmation from him made it real.

“I don’t kill people, if that’s what you want to know. I can eat other things, but human blood is, by far, the most sustaining. And I don’t kill people because I don’t want to be that type of person. I might have to live with this affliction, but I chose a long time ago to find a better way.” Christian took my hand again, ignoring my clammy palm.

“Do I frighten you?” The question was so simple, I almost thought he was joking. I realized I should have been afraid of him, how it would have been the logical thing to do, but I wasn’t.

“No,” I said softly. “I think if you had told me about all of this before everything that happened, I might have been. But after seeing some of these things with my own eyes, I’ve realized I’m just as much a part of this. Not to mention there’s this thing inside of me, call it intuition if you will, and it told me before all of this that you weren’t dangerous. At least not in the psycho murderer type of way. The jury was still out on whether you’d break my heart into a million microscopic pieces.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he shook his head.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Christian.” I warned. “I may seem like it takes a lot to phase me, but that’s only on the outside. In here, I’m like glass. I wish I could be as strong as I pretend to be, but the truth is that I’m not.”

While I wasn’t trying to be cruel, it was important that he understood the nature of my fragility. A lifetime of trauma taught me I couldn’t trust anyone, least of all myself. Regardless of the role Christian was to play in my life, my trust was earned, super natural bond or not.

“I’m sorry if you’re upset. I just…I really need you to understand what you’ve gotten yourself into. I wasn’t joking when I told you I’m not a good friend. Your opinion of me may change once you get to know me.” My voice cracked near the end as I allowed the brief thought of Christian realizing he’d made the biggest mistake of his life into my mind.

It was only a matter of time.