Still That Kid

My mom always had to have the last word. Always.

Somewhere along the way, so did I. I never learned how to go quiet, walk into my room, and let her win. I learned to keep fighting. Keep pushing for resolution, no matter what it cost.

I married a pleaser. The one who hates arguing. The one who’d rather let something go than fight back. He was the middle child — and somewhere in that house, he learned that quiet was safer than pushing.

Two people, two totally different survival strategies, walking into every disagreement like clockwork.

It took us years to see it. But once we did, it changed everything. Because most of the time — honestly, all of the time — our fights weren’t really about the thing we were fighting about. They were about the pattern. I’d want to talk. He’d want to disappear. Same shape, different topic, every time.

Sound familiar?

That’s the thing about patterns. They don’t care what you’re arguing about. They’ll use money, sex, parenting, in-laws — whatever is available.

I spent years reading books on “I” statements. Learning to listen better. Promising not to raise my voice.

None of it touched the actual problem.

You can’t fix a pattern by winning an argument. You have to interrupt the pattern itself.

After twelve years of doing this work, I keep seeing the same three patterns show up in almost everyone I work with.

The Chaser. That’s me. Something feels off, you have to fix it right now. You bring it up, you ask questions, you push for resolution. The more your partner pulls away, the harder you push. Not because you’re controlling. Because you’re terrified of disconnection.

The Ghoster. Conflict starts, you disappear. Maybe out the door, maybe just behind your eyes. You tell yourself you need space. That you’re protecting the relationship. Meanwhile your partner is experiencing your silence as abandonment.

The Pleaser. You smooth it over. Say yes when you mean no. Tell yourself keeping the peace is easier than having the conversation. Everything looks fine from the outside. Resentment is building quietly on the inside.

None of it makes you a bad partner. It makes you human.

These patterns made sense once. Mine kept me connected to a mother who wouldn’t back down. His kept him safe in a house full of louder voices. They were smart strategies for two kids who didn’t get to choose the homes they grew up in.

But you’re not in that house anymore. And the strategy that kept you safe then might be the exact thing quietly wrecking your relationship now.

Here’s where things finally change.

The moment you can name your pattern, you stop running it on autopilot. You see the cycle instead of getting swept up inside it.

And once you can see it, you can interrupt it.

That’s the entire idea behind my course, Breaking the Pattern.

It’s not another course on communication skills. It’s a self-paced program that helps you find the pattern actually running your relationship, understand where it came from, and get real tools to interrupt it before it hijacks your next conversation.

Because the goal was never to have a better fight.

The goal is to understand the kid who’s still calling the shots.

If you want to learn more, I’d love you to join me HERE. 🧡

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