How We Become - A Therapeutic Guide for Reflection

If you are new to my Substack, I’m delighted to welcome you to How We Become – A Therapeutic Guide for Reflection. The best place to start is with the opening piece, which you can find here.

If you have read the previous three chapters, a very warm welcome back.

In the last chapter we moved peripherally and looked at your wider family history. This hopefully gave you a sense of how certain relational patterns may have formed and how they may have travelled to impact you, or how a lack of knowing has made an impression on you.

In this chapter we will take a closer look at your more intimate early relationships, like father, mother, or other primary caregivers from birth onward.

It can be a deeply evocative subject, and for this reason we will tread gently, starting first with asking; what kind of awareness do we carry around how these relationships impacted us, and why is it helpful to find out?

Our earliest selves do not carry memory in the way we conceive of or process it as adults. Instead, we embody it – and respond to the world around us from this more instinctive, non-verbal and pre-intellectual place.

So, gently, like the infant first greeting the world outside the womb, let us begin.

Chapter 4: Early Childhood Relationships

How Memory Works

People often think of the conscious and unconscious when reflecting on that which is in awareness, and that which is not. A more succinct term to use perhaps in view of what we are exploring here, as in early childhood relationships, might be implicit and explicit memory. Implicit and explicit memory are terms used by neuroscience to describe different states of long-term memory.

Implicit and Explicit Memory

Implicit memory involves automatic processes imprinted through repetition, like when you ride a bike – after a while you no longer think about how you do it, you just cycle, and you may even have forgotten how and when you learned to ride.

Our formative attachment experiences are held largely in implicit memory, as in patterns formed outside of conscious awareness. In many ways we emerge into adulthood on this sort of relational autopilot, relating to others based on our experiences of bonding and relating from childhood.

Explicit memory refers to memories and information we are consciously able to recall and bring into awareness. You may think that ‘but if I remember things from my childhood, how can my attachment pattern be implicit memory outside my awareness?’

Well, it’s a bit like with the bike, you may remember certain technical aspects of how you learned to ride the bike, you may even sometimes look down and see your legs moving, but the action itself still happens automatically.

For instance, how your physical and emotional intimacy needs were met from birth until the age of 3-4, largely before explicit autobiographical – or ‘solid’ – memories consolidate, play a significant role in how you experience physical and emotional intimacy as an adult.

Going back and purposefully looking at how your own formative attachment patterns may have been shaped using greater awareness of your physical self and instinctive emotions could help you discover potential discord in how you relate to your own feelings and to others. Ultimately, this can open your inner world to new experiences of safety and connection.

Reflecting with Nuance

In the last chapter I spoke about attachment theory as developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, and the subsequent empirical studies into attachment styles conducted by Mary Ainsworth in the years following.

While attachment theory remains an important cornerstone for psychologists and therapists in exploring how we bond and relate to others through life, it has also been widely expanded on and discussed, both within psychology and neuroscience. This is important and hugely necessary in the development of any theory.

It’s also important to bear in mind that Bowlby and Ainsworth were both psychologists ‘of their time’, and their research and findings were based on the societal and more heavily patriarchal models of parenting present in those days, meaning their research was almost entirely focused on the importance of the mother. That’s not to say the expectations of a mother are not still similar in how we consider parenting today, but we should be mindful of what we carry with us of this into the future.

It is not only mothers in earlier generations who had less support in the home, or with childcare or with continuing their careers, we still see this happening today, and when using Bowlby and Ainsworth’s theories for self-reflection we need to also ask ourselves:

Should it be only the mother who is solely responsible for the healthy development of a child? What support systems should be in place for a mother, or a father, to provide ‘the good enough parenting’ a child needs?

My colleague John Mackesey, peer reviewer on ‘Therapy Toolkit’, raised an important and succinct question which I in the end added in the card about mother:

How does your idea of a mother differ from that of a father?

This, I think, is a crucial reflection to hold as you proceed here as well.

What all this tells us is that it is possible to carry broad agreement of certain principles while staying open to curiosity, questions and new discoveries.

Accepting that human relationships exist within relative truths rather than absolute truths, leaves you better able to move thoughtfully through your own exploration, and to see that we can expand on initial understanding, continuously learn, and grow ever deeper roots to nurture and connect us.

Key Points

Attachment styles are an accessible way to explore how certain relational patterns may have formed. The concept of neuroplasticity suggests that whatever may be harming, hurting or confusing us in the way we relate to others in adulthood can be altered with time and appropriate attention.

In terms of how this plays out in relationships, think of it like an attachment expectation and/or seeking unmet needs rather than a blueprint:

If, as a child, you experience that love comes in the form of bursts of intimacy after you give what your caregiver needs, but that before this you felt rejected, then as an adult you, often unknowingly, carry this expectation of dismissal, followed by trying to give what the other needs, followed by feeling loved when they respond positively.

Conversely, if, as a child, you experience being consistently rejected and ignored, or you were engulfed in a parent’s need and never met in your own, your longing may bring you to someone who either engulfs you with their own need for intimacy or who stays distant. Both triggering a response to retreat.

But Why Is This So?

In adulthood it’s not so much that we consciously seek people that mirror our attachment pattern, but that we seek love in a form that we recognise. Anything else can feel unfamiliar and may even sometimes feel undeserved.

Remember that throughout this series I use quite defined examples in order to illustrate key principles. Your own life experiences may be more subtle, or they may be more difficult. Take your time finding your own path.

Maria and Tom

To integrate this understanding further we will now join Tom and Maria in a session. For this chapter we will stay with Maria, while Tom’s narrative will appear more prominently in the next chapter. But try to stay open to what Tom’s experience might be in this scenario, and what might be familiar to him from his past (that you learned in the previous chapter). This can be a helpful exercise in preparation for your own exploration.

To keep things easier to digest, the therapeutic work illustrated in this (fictitious) case study moves more quickly than it might in real sessions.

Maria

In the last chapter I mentioned how Maria and Tom were developing an increasing awareness of how their own parents’ experiences with love and attachment may have travelled to impact them.

Now, it’s impossible to know exactly how their parents were related to as infants, but when I ask about her grandparents, Maria says that she remembers her grandmother as being quite standoffish and not very tactile. Her grandfather on the other hand was very gregarious and outgoing, and seemed to love his daughter, Maria’s mother, very much.

While we reflect, Maria pauses for a moment. I see her eyes welling up and her cheeks are flushed.

Gently, I ask what is happening right now. Maria tells me she’s not quite sure. I ask her to sit with it for a moment, closing her eyes if she wants. I then ask her if she can bring her mother to mind, just the image of her, and tell me what emerges, if anything.

She says she can see an image of her mother as a young child, a picture that has always stayed on the sideboard in the dining room. She is in between her parents, smiling stiffly. Her father is beaming, and her mother is serious. She suddenly feels a great sadness for her mother. She wonders if something happened to her in this relationship dynamic to make her as emotionally distant as she sometimes seems.

I ask her to bring herself to mind, at a similar age, and Maria heaves a little breath. She realises a very similar picture exists of her, between her parents, except all three of them are serious. She never met her father’s parents as they died before she was born, but he never spoke about them either, or had photographs on display, and he was estranged from his siblings. We sit with this reflection without saying anything for a while.

I ask if Maria remembers being hugged as a child, and she says physical affection had been very limited, and that they rarely, if ever, asked about her. Like I was invisible, she says.

At this point Tom reaches out to take Maria’s hand, but she twitches it away. It seems like an automatic action outside of awareness, because she puts her hand back and lets him take it again.

We sit like this in silence until Maria removes her hand to blow her nose. I ask Tom what’s happening for him listening to Maria. He says he feels immense sadness for her, that it sounds like a very lonely childhood. I then ask him if he noticed that she first twitched her hand away. He smiles and says, yes, and that this is familiar to him. If Maria ever starts to become emotional, or is going through something difficult, she will often lock herself away, either emotionally or literally in another room. Often both.

Becoming distant, I ask, and Maria looks up. Yes, she says, almost startled. Just like my mother. Then she cries softly while Tom puts an arm around her shoulder. She leans into him and we stay like this for several minutes.

When we end the session and I ask how they are both feeling, Tom says he feels relieved. Like he has seen a part of Maria that he has never been allowed to access before. Maria is quiet, and when I check in on how she is feeling, she says it felt nice in the moment, but that now she feels increasingly anxious.

I tell them that this is to be expected, and that Maria is unlikely to feel comfortable with this level of intimacy immediately. But with time, she can become more comfortable being vulnerable around Tom, and allowing him to support her.

When Tom makes kind suggestions for what he could do to help, I tell him that the support he gives should match what Maria needs, and not what his instincts tell him to give her. This may take time for Maria to find out too.

I also suggest that Maria can take small steps towards connection. In the beginning that may mean going into another room, but that perhaps now the door can stay open a bit. I ask Maria how she would feel about approaching Tom when she feels vulnerable, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, and she says she will try, but that he mustn’t push.

Exercises

COUPLES AND INDIVIDUALS

Begin with the Secure Base.

To start this process, I am going to give you a personal exercise that will lead us into the more intimate attachments of childhood, like those with your primary caregivers or siblings.

If at any point you feel overwhelmed or too uncomfortable, step away from the exercise and ground yourself in the here and now.

One way to do this is to sit in a straight-backed chair, feet flat on the ground with your hands resting on your legs. Take normal, unhurried breaths. No need to do deep breaths, just as calm as you can.

If/when you feel comfortable, you can take one slow breath in through your nose, followed by blowing slowly out through your mouth. After this you can say, out loud or in your mind: I am here, I am grounded, I am safe. Repeat if it feels comfortable and you find it calming.

You can always come back to the exercise at a later point.

Exercise 1

First, take a minute to close your eyes and settle into a comfortable position. Bring into awareness the person you formed the most significant and emotionally intimate and positive relationship with as a child. This could be anyone, and it doesn’t have to be overpoweringly positive, just enough to make you think and feel that this person had a positive impact. Then write down how you feel right now and some key words.

Now, I’d like you to do the same thing again. Close your eyes, get comfortable and bring into awareness the person you formed the most significant emotionally complex or negative relationship with as a child. Again, this could be anyone and doesn’t have to mean abuse or anything overtly aggressive. Then I’d like you to write down how you feel right now and some key words.

It may be different people that come up for you, or it may be the same person. There is no right or wrong.

Now I would like you to complete the following statements (take turns if you are doing this as a couple):

Use these words exactly:

My hopes are to experience (here you will add the qualities of the person you had the most positive relationship with).

My fear is to experience (and here you will add the qualities of the person you had the more complex or negative relationship with).

Self-Worth

I mentioned in chapter 3 that how we relate to both our own thoughts and feelings, and how we relate to the people around us is directly connected to our own sense of self-worth.

It can be hard to decipher exactly what ‘self-worth’ means to us individually. A helpful way to reflect on it is to think that our self-worth is formed from how safe we felt in expressing our unique selves and needs growing up, how loved and met we felt through this and how manageable or realistic the expectations placed upon us (or not) were.

Going through your family trees invited you to explore how certain relational patterns and expectations in your family may have formed. This provided a wider idea of how and why your own parents or primary care givers related to you through their own experience of childhood and family relations.

COUPLES

Exercise 2

The first exercise here in this chapter hopefully gave you a brief look into your core experiences of safety, love and fears, which are huge parts of what forms the basis of your experienced self-worth.

With what you have learned so far in mind, about your family tree and relational patterns you may have discovered, and your hopes and fears related to significant childhood relationships:

How do you think this impacts the way you relate to your partner today in the following scenarios:

Conflict

Showing feelings

Sharing feelings

Physical intimacy

Emotional Intimacy

In the last chapter I asked you to intuitively note down a few words for each of the things listed above. Bring these notes out now and use them in the following exercise.

Take turns going through the list below, and mainly listen if you are not the one sharing. You don’t have to do them all at once. Instead, you might focus on one item one day, another the next and so on. You can also complete this on your own first, then sit down together for the ending exercise when you have both completed the list.

Give short answers for each, using the notes you have made. If you can, include how you respond physically in each scenario.

Below is an example of how it may look:

Example

I notice in conflict that I … become extremely uncomfortable and start shaking

In childhood I experienced… being shouted at

My underlying need now might be… less aggression

You could support me by … keeping voice calm, being patient

A new step I might take is … not retreating, but start vocalising thoughts and feelings

Complete the steps below

Conflict

I notice in conflict that I …

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be…

You could support me by …

A new step I might take is …

Showing Feelings

I notice in showing feelings that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

You could support me by …

A new step I might take is …

Sharing Feelings

I notice in sharing feelings that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

You could support me by …

A new step I might take is …

Physical Intimacy

I notice in physical intimacy that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

You could support me by … letting me come to you

A new step I might take is …

Emotional Intimacy

I notice in shared emotional intimacy that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

You could support me by …

A new step I might take is …

To round off this exercise, I suggest you put your notes away and sit quietly together for a couple of minutes. Pay attention to your physical self, and your emotional self. What are you feeling in your body? Which emotion is most prominent? When a few minutes have passed, share with each other what you are noticing, allowing it to be a conversation rather than analysis. Listen, paraphrase and be curious – both about yourself and the other.

If you have written out your answers in your own time, start by sharing what you wrote, then go through the exercise above.

You can now do the Debrief.

INDIVIDUAL

Exercise 2

The first exercise here in this chapter hopefully gave you a brief look into your core experiences of safety, love and fears, which are huge parts of what forms the basis of your experienced self-worth.

With what you have learned so far in mind, about your family tree and relational patterns you may have discovered, and your hopes and fears related to significant childhood relationships:

How do you think this impacts the way you relate to your partner today in the following scenarios:

Conflict

Showing feelings

Sharing feelings

Physical intimacy

Emotional Intimacy

In the last chapter I asked you to intuitively note down a few words for each of the things listed above. Bring these notes out now and use them in the following exercise.

Go through the list below. You don’t have to do them all at once, instead, you might focus on one item one day, another the next and so on.

Give short answers for each, using the notes you have made. If you can, include how you respond physically in each scenario.

Below is an example of how it may look:

Example

I notice in conflict that I … become extremely uncomfortable and start shaking

In childhood I experienced… being shouted at

My underlying need now might be… less aggression

I could support myself by … practicing staying grounded in the here and now

A new step I might take is … not retreating, but start vocalising thoughts and feelings

Complete the steps below

Conflict

I notice in conflict that I …

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be…

I could support myself by…

A new step I might take is …

Showing Feelings

I notice in showing feelings that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

I could support myself by …

A new step I might take is …

Sharing Feelings

I notice in sharing feelings that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

I could support myself by …

A new step I might take is …

Physical Intimacy

I notice in physical intimacy that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

I could support myself by … letting me come to you

A new step I might take is …

Emotional Intimacy

I notice in shared emotional intimacy that I…

In childhood I experienced…

My underlying need now might be …

I could support myself by …

A new step I might take is …

To round off this exercise, I suggest you put your notes away and sit quietly for a couple of minutes. Pay attention to your physical self, and your emotional self. What are you feeling in your body? Which emotion is most prominent? When a few minutes have passed, note down what you are noticing, allowing it to be a reflection rather than analysis. Be open, and be curious – both about your past and about how you would like to move forward

You can now do the Debrief.

Preparation for the Next Chapter

In preparation for the next chapter, I’d like you to simply notice your physical self in the world.

How you feel in the morning, how you feel before work, and during. How you feel when you meet and connect with friends, colleagues, neighbours, your partner.

A good way to get closer to deeper and underlying feelings you may carry is to first scan your physical self and notice where you may be carrying tension, pain, twinges, tingling, it could be anything. Zone in on this physical sensation and notice what feeling may come up for you.

You can make little notes throughout the day simply jotting down these observations: What you were doing, what preceded it. Don’t analyse for now, simply notice and track. Bring these notes with you for the next chapter.

Ending Note

Life holds no one great answer for the things we may be struggling with. Nor is there ever a finish line for being fully ‘self-reflected.’ But there are things we can do to find more clarity and experience more calm.

Being curious about our history, thoughtfully letting go of shame, and keeping our attention both on what we can learn from the past and how we can use it in the present, leaves us better able to live in ways that feels authentic to our needs.

Hold your grief as lightly as you hold your happiness, and let both be integral, meaningful parts of your life.

Thank you for reading, and staying. If you have any questions or reflections to share, please don’t hesitate to message, or to leave a comment.