How We Become – A Therapeutic Guide for Reflection

If you are new to my Substack, I’m delighted to welcome you to How We Become – A Therapeutic Guide for Reflection. You can find the opening piece here.

The following is chapter 7 which explores conflict.

In conflict there is often the assumption that there is one truth over the other.

You were wrong and I was right. This is how it really happened. Your actions were objectively bad.

The reality, however, can sometimes be more nuanced. Memory is fallible, past experiences can cloud perception, unseen hurt may linger underneath. With any of this potentially present there is no wonder some conflicts can be so hard to resolve.

I encourage you to have patience with yourself as you move through the chapter, and that you stay open and curious to any emotional and physical shifts you may experience both while reading and outside of it.

Let us begin.

What is Conflict?

We’ve all experienced conflict in one form or another – and probably many times over. It’s a natural part of life and if managed well enough a cornerstone of human relationships and growth. While some work through conflict consciously and with purpose, others find the experience so uncomfortable that they will do anything to avoid it, often ruminating on possible scenarios that never get fully resolved and they hold onto difficult feelings.

Conflicts can be simple, and they can be complex.

Two examples:

Two young siblings arguing over one piece of cake is a reasonably simple conflict with a seemingly simple solution (have half each).

Two adult siblings arguing over inheritance is a bigger and more emotive conflict that can carry complexities far beyond the items being fought over.

And sometimes, the very way that piece of cake was divided – or not – as children, can play a significant role in how and why the inheritance conflict plays out.

Escalation

A conflict does not always end up in escalation. Two parents may have conflicting views on how to bring up their children and still manage to talk things through and come to an agreement without it ending up in a full-blown argument.

That’s not to say that arguments are inherently bad. In fact, arguments can be a healthy way to set boundaries, release feelings and find momentum for change. It is circular arguments that stagnate communication and leave one or both consistently feeling unheard or unsafe that needs attention and change.

Seeking Support

You may have read, both in this series and elsewhere, that you are encouraged to seek support if you are struggling. What is mentioned less often is that not everyone is in a place to give the support you need when you ask. This can be difficult when you are in a painful situation and may lead to retreating into holding it on your own – or even carry resentment towards the person you feel rejected you. Here, it’s important to remember that not receiving the support you long for when you first ask does not necessarily mean you don’t deserve it, or that the person in question is uncaring.

Want and Need

Consider also that sometimes the support you want is not always the support you need. For example, you may be in a conflict situation where you want someone outside the conflict to agree with you unequivocally. If they ask questions to understand more or disagree with your perspective, you may feel unsupported and continue seeking validation elsewhere.

If you notice becoming defensive, take a moment to pause and allow the outside perspective to give you a broader view of the conflict you are in. This kind of sidestep can provide valuable information you can use in resolving or defusing it.

I want to stress here that any conflict that includes violence or severe or prolonged emotional manipulation or abuse needs professional attention. Seeking support from friends is valuable and important, but the complexity and severity of the situation may be too difficult for a friend to provide appropriate help or advice with.

Expectations

At the heart of conflict, we often find different sets of expectations, and different sets of emotional and relational experiences, many of which lie beyond our immediate awareness. In this chapter we will explore through this lens how and why we individually react and respond to conflict the way we do. Gaining a deeper understanding of that which may feel complex, difficult or confusing can help us find healthier ways to navigate conflict in the future.

Body Awareness

Considering how emotive, and for some frightening, conflict can be, it may be helpful to take a step back to look at what happens physically within us in conflict situations.

In conflict, emotions often emerge instinctively from implicit memories (experiences outside our ability to consciously recall them). Provided we have received enough validation for our emotions as a child, this instinctive rush of emotion need not spell disaster.

But when a person carries lingering childhood wounds from emotions that were not validated enough, a spontaneous outbreak of powerful feelings like fear, anger, or shame can be difficult to handle or understand. Particularly if the person is unaware of the underlying trigger.

Stress Response

Conflict often activates a stress response, which is governed by the body’s autonomic nervous system.

The following is a simplified explanation of a very complex process, but keeping in mind that there are physiological processes outside of awareness can create crucial shifts in how we react and respond to them in the future.

When we experience sudden or intense feelings of, for example, fear, anger or excitement, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, releasing hormones to help us respond, producing a physiological reaction such as a faster heartbeat or dilated pupils. When the situation resolves, our parasympathetic nervous system takes over to calm everything down again. This is the natural cycle and importantly, includes the regulation of stress hormones, ensuring that our system is no longer governed by these when the need for them has passed.

However, if someone frequently experienced not being heard or understood as a child, this kind of regulation might be disrupted. Crucially, this means that someone’s response in a conflict can have a stronger foothold in formative experiences than is immediately obvious.

Shifting Unhelpful Conflict Patterns

Paying attention to our bodies and their physical reactions, alongside staying curious about our story offers the possibility of shifting the conflict patterns of the past. With time and consistency, it develops our ability to offer compassion to ourselves and others, particularly when confusing and difficult feelings erupt.

In providing this compassionate response, we allow emotions that emerge from historic experiences to be processed in new and healthier ways. This increases the likelihood of creating stability and self-trust, resulting in the ability to communicate and relate to others from a much calmer place. In a conflict situation this is especially important.

Three Steps to Avoid Escalation

There are three steps we can consciously take to work towards this goal. Together, they allow us to reduce stressful energy, become more aware of underlying needs, and develop a greater ability to communicate these needs.

Step 1: Make a conscious effort to be aware of your physical self and the signals it sends

Paying close attention to our physical selves and our physiological responses enables us to become more aware of when a conflict has truly resolved, and when it needs further attention.

Step 2: Learn to pause at your initial emotional reaction

Conflict inevitably provokes an emotional reaction. If we can learn to pause at our initial outburst of feeling, it can allow us time to sense what lies at the root of our reaction, providing us with different angles from which to respond. Over time, it enables us to consider whether we recognise defensive reactions that stem from old wounds.

Step 3: Take conscious ownership of the emotions before expressing how you feel

Noticing historical patterns around the immediate emotion allows us to take a step back and ask ourselves why we feel unheard or wounded. Are we communicating what we truly need and feel, or might there be some information the other is missing, or that we ourselves are missing?

Expressing ourselves through ‘I feel’, rather than ‘you make me feel’ or ‘I feel that you’ changes ‘You are not listening to me’ into ‘I feel I am not being heard.’

This simple step can remove or reduce unwarranted accusations and instead fill the space with vulnerability and authenticity. It is this vulnerability and authenticity that can help real needs to be heard, and genuine understanding to emerge.

Messy and Real

It might still be a bit messy, but vulnerability opens the door for curiosity and compassion instead of aggression, leaving a greater chance of inching closer to an authentic resolution or understanding. This authenticity and self-awareness also open the space to consider and reflect on whether we behave or act in a way that is familiar to the other from their formative relationships.

Even if there is no malicious intent in this, it can be helpful to acknowledge it and bring it into the foreground to be thoughtfully processed by both sides.

Case Study: Maria and Tom

Three weeks after our very last session of working together – a session filled with great warmth and humour – I receive an email from Maria asking me to see them again. Things have been going well, but they have come up against something big and need some extra support.

There is a muted atmosphere in the room as our session begins, and the warmth and humour from the last time I saw them is not present.

‘Can’t believe we are back here again,’ Tom says. He attempts a smile, but his jaw is tight and it comes across more as a grimace. Maria sends him a quick glance, irritation visible on her face.

I wait for one of them to speak again, and after a short while Tom lets out a big sigh. Maria stays motionless and I can see she is holding herself tight.

‘We had a massive argument,’ Tom says. ‘I mean it’s not like we’ve never argued before, but this one felt, well, different.’

I can see Maria’s eyes fill with tears. Tom looks at her briefly but does not seem moved. If anything, he looks more annoyed.

It feels like we’re in the middle of the argument still and to help them step outside the immediate moment to aid reflection, I tell them I’d like each of them to talk about the few days leading up to it

‘What, you don’t want us to talk about the argument?’ Tom asks.

‘We’ll get to it,’ I say, ‘but right now I’d like you to only describe your experiences the days leading up to it. I’ll let you decide who starts.’

Maria leans forward and grabs a tissue quite forcefully, and while doing so she says, ‘why don’t you start Tom.’ I can see Tom wants to bite back, but he contains himself.

‘OK, I’ll start,’ he says. Gritting his teeth. ‘Right, well I had a pretty shitty time at work. Two people quit and I’ve been working double shifts to make up for it. It’s been mental. So, I’ve come back late, knackered, and left early, still knackered.’

‘That sounds very intense,’ I say. ‘You can’t have seen each other much during this time.’

‘No,’ Tom says. ‘Maria was usually in bed by the time I got back, and still in bed when I left, so until things blew up, we’d barely spoken. Not that it bothered me, I knew this was a temporary situation.’

Maria huffs, clearly disagreeing.

‘How about you, Maria,’ I ask. ‘What happened for you in those days leading up to the row?’

‘It was a pretty shitty time for me too. I had this huge project at work, and someone made a mistake and tried to pin the blame on me. I’ve been fielding emails and calls all hours of the day trying to fix it. It was hugely stressful.’

‘Have things resolved now for both of you work wise?’ I ask.

They both shrug.

‘Ish,’ Tom says, ‘I’ve got a new person in and can come home earlier now.’

‘How about you, Maria,’ I ask.

‘I still feel shit,’ she says, eyes filling with tears again. ‘But the project got done.’

I nod. ‘So, you both had a hugely stressful time with work before the argument happened, and it’s still lingering. Ok, now I’d like to ask you each how you experienced the other during this time, and how you felt.’

Maria speaks first. ‘Well, I know Tom was working round the clock, but it wasn’t like things were going wrong at work, he just had to stay a bit longer. I was thinking I’d lose my job, but when I started talking about it, he just told me I was being ridiculous. It was painful to be so ignored.’

‘How did you respond to that?’ I ask.

‘Well, I didn’t I suppose, just went to bed earlier to avoid being disappointed in him not hearing me.’

‘What was it you’d like him to hear,’ I ask.

She’s quiet for a moment. ‘That I was scared. That I felt out of my depth. I just needed him to let me be vulnerable.’

I can see Tom wants to interject, but he stops himself, instead wringing his hands together.

‘How about you, Tom, how did you experience Maria during the time leading up to the argument, and how did you feel?’

‘She told me once that there was an issue at work, that she was worried she’d lose her job. I told her they’d never let their star go. She didn’t say anything else; I had no idea she was feeling this way. After that she just stopped talking to me and went really cold. Which added extra stress when I was already under so much pressure.’

We sit with this for a little while, allowing the two perspectives to exist side by side before I ask about the argument itself.

‘It was Saturday morning,’ Maria says. ‘I’d popped to the shops to buy bread and coffee, thinking we could have breakfast together and when I got back Tom was on his way out. I asked where he was going and he said, ‘anywhere but here.’

‘Then you threw the bread at the wall,’ Tom says.

Maria blushes. ‘Yes,’ she says, ‘I did, I’m ashamed of that. I was just so angry.’

‘What were you angry about exactly,’ I ask.

‘That he called me out as the bad guy, I guess.’

I ask Tom how he responded.

‘I started laughing,’ Tom says, ‘which made her even more angry. Then I got angry and suddenly we were shouting at each other about all sorts of shit. With the front door open.’

‘Let’s take a step back,’ I say. ‘What I can see from the outside is two people who were going through a stressful time. You were both barely home, and when you were home, you didn’t really speak to each other.’

They both nod.

I continue. ‘Maria, you needed your feelings of fear to be heard and validated, and Tom you needed closeness in all the stress.’

I pause, then speak again. ‘How did you communicate those needs?’

There is a long silence, until Maria speaks.

‘Well, I did tell Tom I was worried,’ she says.

‘You did,’ I say, ‘but after his initial response, did you tell him what you needed?’

She shakes her head.

‘How about you, Tom. Did you communicate with Maria that you needed closeness?’

He lifts his shoulders, then lowers them slowly and looks up.

‘I guess the colder she got the more I stepped away.’

‘And the more he stepped away the colder I got,’ Maria says.

They look at each other.

‘We’ve talked a lot about your experiences growing up in these sessions,’ I say. ‘Keeping that in mind, do you see anything familiar in terms of how conflict or conflicting needs were dealt with?’

A small smile passes Maria’s lips. ‘Ah,’ she says, ‘I mean, my parents were never really curious about me or wanting to hear what I needed so I learned to keep it to myself.’

Tom sits with his head bowed, quiet for a while. Maria places her hand tentatively on his thigh. He grabs her hand.

‘My mum had so much on her plate that when she got stressed, I tended to leave her alone, even if I needed something. Plus, if I showed feelings, she’d just get scared. Only way I had to show them was to demonstratively leave.’

‘Did you want her to go after you?’ I ask.

He looks up, first at me, then at Maria. ‘Yes,’ he says.

Maria smiles. ‘I guess we have something in common.’

I ask, ‘what can you do differently, do you think, in the future?’

Tom pulls his hand through his hair. ‘Be more direct about what we need?’

Maria nods. ‘Yes, I guess I should practice talking more as well, not just stay down if I fall at the first hurdle.’

‘And I should stop running,’ Tom says.

‘So, when you enter a conflict again, which you will,’ I say with a smile, ‘take a breath and consider for a moment if you have communicated clearly what you need, and whether you’ve properly heard the other. Then have a conversation when you both feel calmer, checking in with each other what’s really happening, and how you can resolve it together.’

Exercises

Start with The Secure Base

The following exercises explore the origins of our responses to conflict and offer a means of shifting unhelpful patterns.

If you are doing this as a couple through dialogue, you can use the active listening techniques from chapter 2.

If you are doing this on your own you can either write down the answers, or record voice notes. Whichever feels more fluid and helpful.

1: Reflecting on childhood experiences

• Identify in your mind a significant difficult and/or complex conflict experience from childhood. It could be something involving yourself, or something you observed – for example, ‘My parents were always very cold towards each other for long periods of time following an argument.’

• Take it in turns to reflect on this experience and how it made you feel at the time – for example, ‘I felt scared and uncertain.’ Try not to overlay your adult understanding of the feelings you remember experiencing but simply recall and express what they were.

• Next, reflect on what you think you might have needed to help you through the experience at the time, but perhaps didn’t receive – for example, ‘I think I needed reassurance from both that they were handling this and that they both loved me.’

• Now, reflect on what coping strategies or defence mechanisms you may have used as a child to protect yourself from the experience – for example, ‘I started hiding away whenever I witnessed or picked up on conflict.’

• Having identified these childhood responses, consider how you think these coping strategies and defence mechanisms may impact on you and your relationships today – for example, ‘I think I try to ignore difficult feelings or conversations if I think they may lead to conflict.’

• Finally, reflect on how you think your partner, friends or family might be able to provide you with what you may still need to integrate this childhood experience or pattern, as well as what you personally could do to help them help you.

2: Externalising conflict

In the last chapter I asked you to find an object that could represent a recent conflict of your choosing.

INDIVIDUAL

• Now, I would like you to bring it out and sit for a moment feeling it in your hand. Close your eyes if you wish. Now take a moment to write down a description. This should not be done in the emotive terms of a live conflict but more like how an auctioneer might describe an object prior to an auction. For example, if your object was a metal paperweight, you might say, ‘This conflict is heavy, with a grey hue and feels cold to the touch.’

• When you have described your object, describe what you think your object might need. This should be something you can physically do – for example, place it somewhere else or hold it differently. Proceed to do what you have described. Then pause, sitting quietly for a minute with your eyes closed. Take time to notice how you feel, both physically and emotionally.

• Using a physical object to externalise conflict has allowed you to briefly hold your experience of the conflict and to explore what you need without intellectualising. With this awareness, describe what you felt, both emotionally and physically, when you gave your object what you felt it needed.

• Finally, draw upon your deeper self to consider how you could provide or seek this for yourself in future conflict scenarios.

Do the Debrief when you have finished.

COUPLE

• Bring out your objects and give them to each other, then sit for a moment feeling it in your hand. Close your eyes if you wish. Now take turns to describe the conflict object. This should not be done in the emotive terms of a live conflict but more like how an auctioneer might describe an object prior to an auction. For example, if the object is metal paperweight, you might say, ‘This conflict is heavy, with a grey hue and feels cold to the touch.’

• When you have described the object, express, in turn, what you think the object might need. This should be something you can physically do – for example, place it somewhere else or hold it differently. Proceed to do what you have described. Then pause, sitting quietly for a minute with your eyes closed. Take time to notice how you feel, both physically and emotionally.

• Using a physical object to externalise conflict has allowed you to briefly hold your partners experience of the conflict and to be part of exploring what it needs. With this awareness, now take it in turns to describe to your partner what you felt, both emotionally and physically, when they tried to give your object what they thought it needed.

• Finally, individually, draw upon your deeper self to consider what you think your object truly needed and whether your partner identified this correctly. If you noticed a different need, take turns to describe this to your partner and invite them to act upon the need you have identified.

• Take a few minutes to gently talk through the experience. Try to avoid going into the details of the conflict itself but rather stay with the feelings and realisations that may have come up.

Do the Debrief when you have finished.

Ending Note

Much like grief, conflict can carry a great deal of relief if responded to with care and consideration. New understanding can be found, hidden wounds can be exposed, respected and healed.

You do not need to fear conflict itself; it is purely there to show you something. What that is will only emerge if you stay open and curious.

Think of it like a Venn diagram:

In most conflicts there are things only you know, things both parties know, things only the other knows, and things neither of you know.

Considering this, conflict needs not be about butting heads until one relents but rather slowing down enough to find and share the right information for an authentic resolution. This resolution might not be the perfect answer, but sometimes simply having a better understanding of each others feelings and thoughts can provide enough relief.

Thank you for reading, and staying. If you have any questions or reflections to share, please don’t hesitate to message, or to leave a comment.