Should I Quit Writing?

I blame querying. Everything was going swimmingly until I started querying my second novel, COLOR ME DEAD. And remember, my first novel is in a drawer somewhere, never to see the light of day, after querying it for many months.

CMD is a love letter to my aunt Karrie, who passed away in 2018. It’s also an fictional exploration into how reincarnating only the most diabolical among us can lead to today’s political system of oligarchs and pedophiles. It’s a fantasy novel following Karrie, an unlikely hero, as she navigates her role as the savior of both the Afterlife and of Earth. In order to restore order to both, she has to overthrow the maniacal Emperor who took over the Afterlife.

It’s good. I know it is. It’s been edited by a developmental editor, beta read by a dozen or more lovely writers who were willing to give me their time and effort. It’s even been read by friends of both me and Coby. People are loving it. So why didn’t that translate to agents?

It may be good, but it’s not good enough. And instead of that motivating me to make it better, it caused me to spiral and step away. Instead of taking rejection after rejection in stride, I shut down.

My Substack hasn’t been as consistent as it should and I stopped working on my third novel (or fourth, depending on how you look look at it - I have about 50% of CMD’s sequel written as well) and I’ve been avoiding my computer like the plague. Like if I touch it, I’ll finally be revealed as the fraud that I am. I’m not an author, but a failing writer pretending that everything isn’t falling apart around her.

But I’ve never been one to quit. When I have a goal, I see it through. Every single time. And the goal is to be a published author. To get an agent and go the traditional route.

I could self-publish or look into hybrid publishing. A writer friend of mine might go that route and she’s keeping me updated. As much as I would love to have control in this publishing situation, to take my book and put it out there, I’m scared it would feel like abandoning the goal. Like I would be half-assing my potential and compromising my talent. If I even have any, that is.

On August 8th, we experienced the Lion’s Gate Portal in astrology. It was all about manifesting your future and letting go of what isn’t serving you. What’s not serving me in my attitude. One little setback and I go running for the hills?! That’s not me. I do not stop. I do not quit.

The portal encourages us to write down our goals as if they’ve already been fulfilled and focus our energy and manifestations on the life we want to live.

So where do I go from here?

This is my written rededication to my craft. With this Substack, I am writing down these promises that I make to myself:

• I will finish editing my horror novel and get it off to beta readers

• I will rewrite COLOR ME DEAD from scratch

• I will write a Substack article each week

Because we can’t lose if we don’t quit. I know I can do this. I have the will and the talent. I have what it takes to stick it out and reach my goals. But it’s not just about getting published. I need to enjoy it again.

Writing has always been a release. A passion and a drive to create art through words. I’m ready for it. The past few months have been full of summer plans, company coming over, and trips. It’s been a nice break from the writing process. And now I’m ready to open my laptop and create again.

While quitting has crossed my mind, it was never really on the table. I could try to stop writing but it might be like trying to stop eating. It could technically happen, but it can’t last and would probably feel like death. Quitting would wrack my soul and bother me for the rest of my life.

The sweet spot for me is to stop focusing on the goal and just enjoy the process. To get back to writing every morning. To look forward to it, like I used to.

We all have bad days, weeks or months. But if we let that stop us from doing what we love, we’ve truly lost. This life is for me to craft, and I want to fill my days with putting beautiful words down on paper, whether or not anyone ever reads it. Whether or not an agent ever says, “yes.”

This is my rededication to what has brought me so much joy. I am releasing the sadness and frustration that caused me to pause. I am moving forward with love in heart and lightness in my steps.

In the words of our lord and savior, Ms. Britney Spears:

No time to quit now, just time to get it now
Pick up what I’m putting down, pick up what I’m putting down
You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work, bitch

Time to get to work, bitch.

Remember, stay difficult and always question authority.