The hottest new wellness trend you haven't tried

Are you concerned about breathing air that has been unnaturally filtered through your home’s HVAC?

Tired of being forced into an artificially sterile environment by the corporate overlords of Big Air?

Do you long to breathe an all-natural miasma of allergens like our ancestors?

Now you can rewild your respiratory system with Soft Pollen Breeze^TM!

Created from hand-foraged locally-sourced pine pollen, our Soft Pollen Breeze candles will infuse your home with the golden dust of Mother Earth.

No more fake air. Just billions of microscopic plant particles, like nature intended.

Here are just a few of the benefits:

• Clean ingredients: Soft Pollen Breeze^TM candles are made from a single ingredient: plant sperm. Sure, your body might recognize spring’s spunk as a dangerous pathogen, unleashing an immune response akin to a nuclear bomb detonating in your sinuses, but you’ll breathe easy knowing that our pollen is completely plant-derived. That is, you’ll breathe easy metaphorically. Literally, you’ll be gasping.

• Protein-packed: Did you know that pollen is made of up to 40% protein? By swallowing mouthfuls of pollen as it floats through the air, you’ll be jacked in no time. It tastes great mixed with beef tallow, too! Skintight jeans and raw milk mustache not included.

• Natural Scent: Soft Pollen Breeze^TM will fill your nasal passages with the most delightful smell on the planet: the scent of your own mucus. Some people complain that they can’t “smell anything,” but they’re not appreciating what they can smell: a delectable mix of water, sticky proteins, and dead skin cells. Nature’s own nose candy!

• Appetite Suppressant: Who needs Ozempic to cut calories when you have constant low-grade nausea? With Soft Pollen Breeze^TM, you’ll be constantly wondering if you’re getting the flu or have been recently knocked up. Surprise! That’s just pollen. The relief of realizing that you’re not up the duff will be well worth the $80 price tag.

• Exfoliant: Do you wish for the smooth skin of a newborn? Light up a Soft Pollen Breeze^TM and your skin will be coated in a layer of goo so sticky that you’ll need a sandpaper scrub to remove it. The result? You’ll be free of bumps, blemishes, and your top layer of epidermis. The look? Fresh from the birth canal!

• Immunity Boosting: Do you have lazy lungs or sluggish sinuses? Soft Pollen Breeze^TM will supercharge your immune system by tricking your body into thinking it’s being simultaneously attacked by the hantavirus, Ebola, and a small army of vampires. Sure, you’ll feel like you’ve been run over by a truck, and your body will be 80% white blood cells, but your immune system will be stronger than an army of wellness bros mainlining creatine.

• Vaginal wellness: Who ever said that Gwyneth Paltrow gets to have a monopoly over hoo-ha health? Keep your yoni youthful by standing over your Pollen Breeze^TM and letting the gentle smoke caress your nether regions. (Note: Some burning is normal).

With Pollen Breeze^TM , you can finally live clean and breathe dirty, just like nature intended.*

*Sponsored by Benadryl.

Hi there! Hope you enjoyed this satire. Folks in the American South will recognize that some of this satire relates specifically to pine pollen, the nasty yellow pollen piled high on our cars, patios, and bodies every April. Yes, it’s almost June, but I got distracted- sue me!

Fact check: My ecologist husband tells me that no one is actually allergic to pine pollen, only other tree pollen, but I’ve never quite believed him. An actual fun fact: upon our second-ever meeting, in a bar fifteen years ago, he spent most of the night regaling me with his tales of his extreme allergies. Sexy! But apparently, effective.