Shocking! One mother's horrific crime.

In a troubling story out of North Carolina, a woman was recently extradited from France after authorities caught her committing a heinous crime: enjoying a weekend trip without her children.

“It’d be one thing if she just went to happy hour after her kids went to bed and she made sure all the laundry was done, the dishes were cleaned, and the lunches were packed for the next day,” commented a local mom. “But to leave for a whole weekend? Who does she think she is? A dad?!”

The crime came to police’s attention after the mother, 40-year-old Lindsey Smith, posted multiple reels to Instagram showing herself and her friend bicycling around the French region of Burgundy, eating cheese and sampling wines at not just one but multiple wineries, with zero mentions of missing her husband or children.

Police tracked her down by following the sound of a relaxed American woman laughing.

“It was extremely easy to find the suspect,” reported Paris Police Chief Francois Dubois. “Most American mothers sound like they’re half-crying, half-screaming while constantly claiming to have ‘so much fun’ on their family vacation. This one wasn’t even trying to hide that she was relaxed and happy. We knew it was her when we overheard her gloating about how she’d binge watched the entire season of Love is Blind on her child-free plane ride.”

When local police apprehended her, Smith had a piece of baguette hanging out of her mouth and a bottle of wine in each hand.

When asked where her children were, she shouted, “Who?!” before trying to cycle away while singing “You Don’t Own Me” from the First Wives Club soundtrack, proving the point that she is old AF and should be home with her children.

Authorities confirmed that Smith’s daughters were found inside their house, physically safe but living in a shocking state: under the care of their own father.

Reports indicate the children survived exclusively on Skittles, frozen pizza, and blue Gatorade while watching K-Pop Demon Hunters on repeat, a situation many experts described as “basically feral.”

“It’s so sad,” commented Charlotte Lane, Smith’s elderly neighbor who keeps constant tabs on her comings and goings. “I can’t believe that a woman would do something so negligent as to leave her two children in the care of their own father, a man who has provided half of their childcare since birth.”

Upon further investigation, authorities discovered that Smith is a repeat offender, having taken “girls’ weekends” on a somewhat regular basis since her first child was born in 2017.

“That’s why we refer to girls trip’s as a gateway drug,” said Beverly O’Leary, president of the local chapter of SHAME (Suburban Housewives Against Maternal Enjoyment).

“Give a mother a taste of freedom and next thing you know, she’s going out for dinner with her friends on a Friday night or even worse, developing hobbies other than cooking, knitting, or a once-a-year book club where no one reads the book.”

Smith has expressed no remorse for her actions and will soon face trial by a jury of her peers. If found guilty, she faces up to ten years hard labor in the form of serving as PTA room parent, making snacks for kids’ all sports practices, and buying and wrapping presents for all holidays and birthdays.

A legal expert added, “This type of sentence is harsh, but punishment fits the crime. As a mother, Smith has committed the worst crime known to man: acting like she has a life outside of her children.”

Meanwhile, medical experts report that Smith’s husband is slowly recovering from his solo parenting weekend of drinking beer and shouting “What do you want?! Get it yourself!” while watching college football.

On Saturday, a parade will be held in his honor in recognition of his valor.

Hi! This is a new style of humor writing for me- a fake news piece in the style of Reductress or The Onion. No children or husbands were harmed in the writing of this piece. Hope you enjoyed!

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