Hi, I'm Lin. That's not my real name, but it's a name I use on the internet. I'm a line cook. The first post on this blog was written about two weeks after s...
I miss you. I hope my bandana in the box of your shit makes you sick with how much you miss me. I hope the obvious care I put into the package makes you text me. I wake up every morning and forget you're not here. You were scared of how bad I'd get without you. It's not your fault that I got this bad. I never hated you. I hated the way I couldn't make myself detach. I think I'll think about you…
Do you go back through our messages and listen to our old voice notes too? I'm sorry. I wish it could have been different. If I called right now would you pick up? I'm fucking another person who says the same things as you but it's not the same. I miss the way you loved me and took me apart the last time I felt comfortable and safe was the last time I held you. I'm sorry. I wish I could be put…
Trigger Warning: Detailed description of eating disorders I'm sitting here laying in bed, it's 2pm and I haven't eaten anything since 11am yesterday. I can still feel the two chicken tenders I had for brunch sitting heavily in my stomach. It's not like I didn't consume anything with calories though, at work I had a fancy bottled craft soda and then I came home and downed a pint of orange juice. I…
Hey y'all. Casual out of writing voice Lin here. I'm sorry to have like basically disappeared for a bit there. It kinda feels like my life is nonstop tragedies interspersed with good shit that makes the tragedies feel worse. Maybe that's just life in general, a series of catastrophic traumas with brief interludes of slivers of light under the door. I don't fucking know. MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING FOR…
Fuck. I miss you. And I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm apologizing for, really. I'm sorry that the abuse I went through impacted you. I hate you a little for letting me believe I could love you again if I went through hell to get out of there. Do you even know what happened that night? Do you know that your mistake led to one of the worst nights with him? Do you know that I had to look him in the…
Today, I need to return to the original purpose of this blog. I can't speak much about this to anyone because they don't really get it. I can't describe very well who I am in my life to you, but it's certainly not someone you'd think is considering becoming a nun. I'm a butch lesbian line cook, with tattoos and a swearing habit worse than some of the sailors I used to cook for. I'm aggressive and…
I stopped drinking again a month and a half or so ago and spent three weeks beating my body and mind back into submission. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the qualities of a chef, of a great chef, of the kind of person I want to be inside and out of the kitchen. What does dedication mean? What is sacrifice? What does it really truly mean to be on a team? I spent 3 weeks rewarding and…
Hi there, this is a companion post to another post I wrote today titled "Do you deserve to eat? Ya'll seem to like being given explicit information when I make a super vague post about something deeply concerning so here you go! I've been getting heavily criticized (possibly even bullied) at work. This week especially I kept getting pulled aside and told to do better about something or another. I…
One phrase keeps rattling around in my brain. I'm stuck on these four words. Over and over and over again I repeat it. With every step, every breath, do I deserve it? How will I earn the right to more food than my body requires to keep moving today? Yesterday I worked a thirteen hour shift. I deserved it then. I didn't eat when I got home though, choosing instead to reward myself with a shower…
It feels like it's been a while. Probably hasn't because I update here every few weeks when something fucked up happens in my life, but to me it feels like I've been thinking about writing for a while. I guess I just wasn't feeling inspired. A lot has happened. I got to play sous during an important client dinner at work last week, and this week I almost got fired. (It was absolutely my fault and…