Random Rants

My Companions

I made a tweet yesterday about how my iPad and headsets have become my companions. I deleted it a few hours later, not because it wasn’t true, but because I didn’t want it to be misinterpreted. Honestly, I’m not even sure what I was thinking. But the truth remains: for the past few months, they have been my companions.

These days, I spend most of my mornings and especially my evenings either listening to my odd little playlist or watching a romcom on Netflix. My routines have shifted. Life has changed. And right now, the quietest part of my day is the evening.

It’s wild to think that just a few months ago, evenings were what I looked forward to the most. That was when I’d catch up with a friend. I’d talk about my day, the big things, the mundane things, and even when there was nothing to say, we’d sit in silence. That silence used to feel like the purest form of intimacy.

Now, the silence feels different.

Most nights, after my day winds down, I just sit there. I light a scented candle and watch it burn. I listen to music. I let the silence fill the room. And on other days, I press play on a romcom and keep watching until I fall asleep.

I’m still learning to live like this. Still learning to adapt to this new kind of quiet.

Actions & Consequences

Actions have consequences.

I grew up hearing that line all the time. A friend used to say it to me often too, but it always felt like one of those generic warnings people throw around. I never really felt the weight of it. But lately, I have been saying it to myself over and over again, especially after I decided to pull the plug.

I am not great at making decisions. Deborah tells me this all the time, and she is not wrong. When I am faced with options, I freeze. I go in circles. And more often than not, I end up making a choice I am not even sure about, simply because I have to choose. That is exactly what happened this time. I had days to think about it, but I kept stalling. Then, at the very last minute, I jumped on that call and made the decision without really thinking it through.

At first, it felt right. There was a sense of relief, a strange kind of calm because I had finally made a decision. I did not feel the weight of what I had done, not immediately. But as the days passed, nights passed, and it hit me. That is when I finally understood what it means when people say, “Actions have consequences.”

Some consequences are soft and beautiful. Others are sharp and heavy. This one? It was heavy. It did not just linger, it unsettled me. I started doubting myself, replaying everything in my mind, wondering if I did the right thing.

And that is the thing no one tells you. Understanding that actions have consequences is not just about fear or punishment. It is realizing that every choice you make echoes, sometimes in ways you do not expect.

And when it does, all you can do is sit with it and face what comes next.

Work

One of the most consistent factors in my life this year has been work. It has been a distraction from the uncertainty of life. I think that is ironic though, because work itself is full of uncertainty too. Deadlines shift. Plans fall through. People change. Yet somehow, it is the one thing I have managed to hold on to. The one thing that keeps me grounded, even when everything else feels like it is floating.

I work from home most of the time, and that is something I am incredibly grateful for. Every time I have to step outside or work onsite, I realise just how drained I would be if I had to do a job that required me to be physically present every day. I genuinely think I would be one of the most depressed people on earth if I had to do that every single day. Another thing I think is underrated is having colleagues with an incredible sense of humour. My colleagues made me laugh a lot this year. I found myself looking forward to our team calls, because there was always something to laugh about.

I am also really grateful for stability. The job market has not been kind to me over the years, so waking up and knowing I am not job hunting, knowing my job is safe to some extent, is a beautiful feeling. I am grateful for work. Not just for what it gives me, but for who I have become through it.

Staycation & My Financial Dilemma

Do you know my favorite kind of people?

They’re the ones who understand that you only live once. They don’t stress too much about spending, aren’t afraid to use their last cash to satisfy their cravings, or empty their wallets for a vacation. People like that hold a special place in my heart.

I used to be one of them. But then life’s uncertainties happened, and now I’m a little traumatized. I find myself thinking twice, sometimes even three times, before making any expensive purchase. I’d rather watch my money sit safely in my account, knowing I have a cushion, than spend impulsively and risk feeling financially unstable later.

For example, the little girl in me really wants a staycation for her birthday. Can we afford it? Yes, we can. It would only do a little damage to our bank account. But here comes the tough choice: do we go on the staycation and watch our account dip, or do we keep the money where it is, safe and untouched, waiting until we can comfortably afford it without worry?

Adulting is sometimes a constant battle between deciding to enjoy your life or saving for the rainy days.

There’s no real point to this newsletter. No structure, no lesson. It’s just thoughts I’ve been sitting with. Maybe that’s what this space is for now: to say things out loud, to make sense of the quiet, to feel without needing to fix. Life’s been shifting in ways I didn’t plan for, and writing is how I try to catch up, not with answers, just with honesty.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for holding space for my thoughts. And if you’re also trying to make sense of things in your own little way, I hope you give yourself permission to feel it all—the soft, the hard, and everything in between.