Why I'm considering unpublishing my books

1786 days.

That’s how long it’s been since I self-published my first poetry book.

The 22nd of August 2021.

A whirlwind of my own imagined deadline to publish a book of chaotic, haphazard poems before my 26th birthday.

As writers and creatives, we’re constantly changing and evolving, growing and adapting. Our styles change, our knowledge changes, our inspiration changes. It’s all part of living life as a creative soul.

The lovely Keeley Rees said it best in her recent piece, no title yet.

“Changing direction means you’re paying attention.”

Which is why I’ve been experiencing lingering thoughts about whether I should unpublish some of my books. I am simply not the same writer that I was five years ago, nor am I the same person, quite frankly.

I am proud of my first two books, Magic & Musings of the Universe: Explore & Love, but when I flick through the pages, it’s as though I am peering through a looking glass at a different version of myself. A kind of kaleidoscope of the past.

I’d like to believe that I have grown as a writer and begun to steadily hone my craft, and some days my older work no longer resonates.

I want to preface this by saying that as a creative, I do feel it is almost a rite of passage that we look back at snippets of our past work and cringe — let’s be honest, we have to make ‘bad’ art to uncover the good stuff.

When I say I am proud of those books, I feel it leans more toward feeling proud of the person I was back then. She had a dream and followed through with it. She worked through frustrations and self-doubt and many tears to get her words into the world.

5 years is a long time, and there’s a lot I’d do differently if I self-published again for the first time. I wouldn’t change how my original journey panned out, but I certainly have learnt a fair bit since pressing publish back then.

It was February 2021 when I began sharing my poems on Instagram, and six months later, my first book baby had been born. I had this itch underneath my skin, this creative desire to leave my mark on the world in the form of my words.

I still remember the excitement I felt at holding my own book in my hands, smelling the pages, feeling the soft cover.

When I look back now, my first two books feel a tad rushed — they no longer feel representative of my best work. As opposed to my coffee table poetry book series, that I took a much more careful approach to curate. What a privilege that is to grow as a creative and recognise when it’s perhaps time to let things be.

I want to be able to look back at my work in another 10, 15, even 20 years from now and see how far I’ve come in an almost time-capsule way, rather than feeling disconnected from my past work.

And I know that those books themselves are living proof of just how far I’ve come, but they still don’t feel reflective of the writing I’d like the world to read now. Who knows, maybe I’ll republish them one day.

That’s the beauty of self-publishing. You’re in charge as a creative, every step of the way. You’re allowed to change course and pivot. You’re granted the privilege of reflection about the entire process. To learn along the way.

For now, I have a few other projects in the pipeline, but I’m going to sit with them and allow them to unfold softly, try them on for size before I release them into the world.

If you would like to purchase a copy of either of my first two books, you can do so here. I plan to let them linger in the world until the end of August before I make my final decision on whether to unpublish them.

Thank you for supporting my dreams; your kindness is the fuel that keeps me writing and sharing.