Notes on our biggest fears materialising

Hello lovely,

There’s something about your biggest fears materialising that makes everything else feel so small. And it’s something I’ve struggled to put into words over the last few weeks.

As someone who has struggled with anxiety since childhood — namely, health anxiety and OCD — one of my biggest fears is hospitals, health problems, and the like.

A couple of months ago, our little one arrived in the world. And what an absolute whirlwind it was.

Now I won’t share everything with you, but after three separate hospital stays, suspected sepsis for myself and little one, an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic, and little one having trouble feeding, all within two weeks, it really did bring all my worst fears to light.

And in those mere days, my whole self was broken and cracked wide open. Quite literally.

There’s a sliver of courage that has seeped into my mind and coated my bare bones.

Facing uncertainty has never been a strong point of mine. If those walls were ever breached, the only thing that was certain was their ability to crumble to piles of dust not long after. But like an artist or athlete, the more those muscles have been worked over time, the more the cracks get exposed to one of life’s truest forms. That we never really know what lies ahead, and that the only thing that is certain is change.

In that unassuming moment of acceptance, we ever so slowly begin to adapt. To let the wave of change wash us up onto the shore — often battered, bruised, dazed and confused. To let light touch the dark parts of ourselves that would rather stay hidden behind the brick and mortar of the castle’s foundations.

Now, all of this isn’t to say that my fears are now completely and magically eliminated. No. Fears mould and change over time; some days they are but a distant memory as life chips away at them, piece by piece. Some days, they continue to grow and fester into something new, because our unconscious mind still weaves the notions of fight or flight into the equation.

One thing that is true though, is our resilience to them begins to root. That is what lies in the undergrowth. A steady growth over time. Watering and nourishing that resilience is what helps us to bloom and overcome things that once plagued us. Or not even overcome, but gently befriend. Knowing that perhaps, they will always be there in the background, just not in such a vicious way.

I think all we can really do is to learn to live alongside our fears, to tend to them carefully, as you would a frightened animal. Give ourselves grace on the journey.

Light candles inside the dark halls, so there is always that flicker of light to return to.

Some days, our biggest fears will be the farthest things from our minds. Some days, they will be the most treacherous terrain to navigate. Trips and falls along the way are inevitable; it’s the care we show ourselves afterwards that matters most.

Grab a coffee and read some more…

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