My twin daughters graduated on June 5, and it was honestly everything. To see them and their classmates absolutely glowing after what I can only describe as the most transformative four years of their life was amazing. I was holding it together until the head of the upper school said “ So Go, but know you go with our all our love”. And this, perhaps…is my biggest challenge. Saying “I put everything I could into making you amazing humans, now go be the amazing humans you are”.
For my girls as they turn 18:
There are only 4 years between both pictures above, but I feel like you’ve grown 10x that in those 4 years. You rocked a move to LA at the start of high school which they say is traumatizing in and off itself, and to top it off we almost moved you back to Colorado at the end of freshman year. But, we decided to stay planted and let you bloom and boy did you bloom. You had never been in a school the size of Westridge, and all girls to boot! You jumped right in, made amazing friends and pursued all your passions and brought us along for the ride. Boulder showed you how amazing it is to grow up in a smallish town, and LA showed you how big the world really is and let you experience big city life in all the ways. I can’t wait to see all the places you go next. I always chose cities that were not really practical, too expensive etc and I carved some of the most amazing memories out of each one.
You both are the greatest gifts on my life and I cannot believe how lucky I am to be your mom.
As you head off to college, I feel like this essay by Marina Keegan (the last essay she wrote before she passed away tragically after graduating from Yale) is required reading.
We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life. What I’m grateful and thankful to have found at Yale, and what I’m scared of losing when we wake up tomorrow and leave this place.
It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats.
Yale is full of tiny circles we pull around ourselves. A cappella groups, sports teams, houses, societies, clubs. These tiny groups that make us feel loved and safe and part of something even on our loneliest nights when we stumble home to our computers -- partner-less, tired, awake. We won’t have those next year. We won’t live on the same block as all our friends. We won’t have a bunch of group-texts.
This scares me. More than finding the right job or city or spouse -- I’m scared of losing this web we’re in. This elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness. This feeling I feel right now.
But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. They’re part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or didn’t live in New York. I plan on having parties when I’m 30. I plan on having fun when I’m old. Any notion of THE BEST years comes from clichéd “should haves...” “if I’d...” “wish I’d...”
Of course, there are things we wished we did: our readings, that boy across the hall. We’re our own hardest critics and it’s easy to let ourselves down. Sleeping too late. Procrastinating. Cutting corners. More than once I’ve looked back on my High School self and thought: how did I do that? How did I work so hard? Our private insecurities follow us and will always follow us.
But the thing is, we’re all like that. Nobody wakes up when they want to. Nobody did all of their reading (except maybe the crazy people who win the prizes…) We have these impossibly high standards and we’ll probably never live up to our perfect fantasies of our future selves. But I feel like that’s okay.
We’re so young. We’re so young. We’re twenty-two years old. We have so much time. There’s this sentiment I sometimes sense, creeping in our collective conscious as we lay alone after a party, or pack up our books when we give in and go out – that it is somehow too late. That others are somehow ahead. More accomplished, more specialized. More on the path to somehow saving the world, somehow creating or inventing or improving. That it’s too late now to BEGIN a beginning and we must settle for continuance, for commencement.
When we came to Yale, there was this sense of possibility. This immense and indefinable potential energy – and it’s easy to feel like that’s slipped away. We never had to choose and suddenly we’ve had to. Some of us have focused ourselves. Some of us know exactly what we want and are on the path to get it; already going to med school, working at the perfect NGO, doing research. To you I say both congratulations and you suck.
Below are some (more) things, 18 of them!, I am saying to my girls. This is round 2 or 3 of this particular theme but there is a lot I have to say on this subject!
Please know that life is full of twists and turns. And that is the beautiful part. You wish the great things would last longer, but the bad stuff doesn’t last long either….sometimes you just have to wait it out.
Always take advantage of a big adventure if it is offered to you. And I know you are doing this as you head off to Indonesia and Morroco.
Always make your own money. This is truly non negotiable.
Read The Simple Path to Wealth. Oh, and please take it to heart.
It’s good to budget but a few things should fall outside of that and are always priorities no matter how much money you are making: fabulous books and delicious food.
Have dogs. It just makes you happier.
Don’t ever go on a diet, just walk more and eat less.
Stay connected to your high school friends. I didn’t, mostly. And I wish I had. You went to high school with some real rock stars, girls just like you. You will be glad you did.
Never let anyone tell you what you need to do to be happy. You, and only you, decide that.
Always look for the lesson when things go wrong. There always will be something that happens but learn from it!
Commit to learning-About people, the world, ideas—listen to lots of different points of view. Think about all of them.
Be curious-I once went on a trip to Africa where I was lucky enough to meet a lovely couple named Al and Marion. Al was endlessly curious about the world, asking all sorts of wonderful questions. Be like that, it will make life so much more interesting.
Do everything with your whole heart. Sometimes your heart will get broken which really stinks. I know this. But having the experience and getting your heart broken is a million times better than not having experienced it at all.
Please always treat learning like the gift it is. You are both going to an amazing university and will be meeting so many smart people who each bring so many amazing talents to the table. Never lose sight of what privilege a good education is.
Always treat your friends like gold. If they don’t do the same they aren’t really your friends.
Speak up always! Being humble is good sometimes, but in the world you are launching into you have to brag about yourself a bit, and there is nothing wrong with that. Talk about your accomplishments….you have a lot to be proud of.
If you are having a bad day…just add boba, ramen and a walk.
Dream really big, I mean really big! Don’t be too practical, take risks. Go skinny dipping if you get the opportunity! Never say no to dessert. Ok, that’s all.
xo,
Mom
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