Beyond the Tribe: Choosing Who You Want to Be

I’ve been sitting with this question ever since my conversation with Kinndli McCollum:
Who am I, really—when the labels fall away?

In last week's conversation, we talked about how quickly and strongly people started clinging to identity during the pandemic—how being a science-follower, right-wing, anti-woke, or even just a good citizen became the lens through which we saw ourselves and others. But, as Kinndli points out:

“Your identity isn’t who you are. You can consider yourself to be that, and you can express yourself through that, but that’s not you.”

That line has been reverberating within me ever since.

What happens when those identities shift, or are challenged, or are no longer available to us?

Kinndli put it so clearly: If I’m an athlete and retire or have a career-ending injury, am I still me? This naturally leads to the question who am I?

Her answer?
I’m the one observing it all.
The watcher. The presence behind the identity.

This way of thinking has started to reshape how I approach my own sense of self. It’s softened the grip I’ve had on certain roles, opened space for nuance, and reminded me of something I often forget in a world that asks us to “stand for something”: that I can choose how I show up. I can choose the parts I identify with. And just as powerfully—I can let them go when they no longer serve me.

There’s such freedom in that.

Since this conversation, I’ve been more curious with myself. More willing to hold my identities lightly. To ask: Am I choosing this? Or am I inheriting it? Is this label helping me connect—or keeping me stuck?

And in those quiet moments, I return to what Kinndli offered so generously:
That there’s power in loosening our grip on identity—not because we don’t care, but because we’re more than what we label ourselves to be.

We’re not our roles. We’re not our achievements or our beliefs.
We’re the ones observing it all, evolving through it all, and choosing—again and again—how to show up.

With love and curiosity,

Conversation with Kinndli